Do You Say Something?
Hyaline
member
To preface--I got very into researching birth and common interventions during my pregnancy, and when we had to make some rough decisions about employing interventions during delivery, I was so glad I was prepared.
Now, I know and respect that not every woman gets into research like this, and boy do I wish we had a situation in the US where you didn't have to inform yourself because the medical community all did an awesome job informing women and practicing patient-centered, evidence-based care (and some do!). But I think we can agree that this doesn't always happen.
Today I was talking to my sister--she's not into natural birth at all and hasn't seen any purpose in researching birth options or the birth process. I'm leery of her OB, who told her she shouldn't take birthing classes and has been otherwise "anti-inform" IMO. (I get the feeling he wants easy patients who just do what he says, no questions...but I also acknowledge that I'm a little cynical.) Today she told me she was planning an induction--not medically necessary and right smack at her due date. I'm worried she doesn't realize what this could mean in terms of complications and increased chance of c-section. I also don't want to get preachy or hurt her feelings by insinuating she's making a bad choice.
So--when you're informed on a birth option and you're not sure a close friend or family member is, do you say something? Or do you consider it their business and not yours?
Re: Do You Say Something?
I consider myself a research junkie. When I do something, I want to make sure I know what I'm doing. With birth it meant hours pouring over research, reading books, watching videos, asking questions - you name it. I've done the same thing with breastfeeding, with nutrition for my family, with chemicals in my home, with general medical decisions, with our childrens' educations, etc. The decisions I have made about these things have stemmed from a lot of time spent with my nose in books.
It is so hard for me to watch my loved ones make decisions that I know are bad for them, particularly when it comes to their health. For a long time I would try to tell people what they were doing wrong and cite all sorts of sources and I used to get frustrated because people would still do the same things. They were ignoring my pleas to them.
At some point I realized that most people don't react well to being told that they are making a bad decision. They also tend not to trust the information when it comes from someone without the medical degree or appropriate training, even if you know your stuff and can rattle off the statistics.
I guess you just have to let people make their mistakes. If your friend or family member wants your input, they will ask. If they say "My doctor is thinking about inducing me. What do you think about it? Would you do it?" they are asking for information and are considering other options. But if they tell you their plan without asking for input, generally they don't care to hear what you have to say about it. I know, it's frustrating, but all we can do is pray that they have a good outcome.
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This. If it was family or a very close friend I'd say something. You could at least let her know that even ACOG does not support elective inductions until at least 41 weeks. Also, if her OB really told her she shouldn't take any birthing classes, that's a huge red flag. I would make sure she's aware of how inappropriate that is.
As others have said, most of the time people are set with their decisions and they don't want to hear that they've made the wrong decision. You know your sister. If you think she'll react positively you can try opening a conversation with something like "I'm excited to meet your LO and I wanted to give you some information on what to expect with inductions" and either give her internet links if she likes to read things or print something out and point out whatever.
But if you don't think she cares one way or another or starts indicating that her mind is made up, don't push it. Ultimately, it's her decision.
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Yes, I absolutely would. I have no self control, so I wouldn't be able to stop myself even if I thought I should mind my own business. In this case, especially with it being your sister, I think that knowledge is power and you should do what you can to educate her. If she is then educated and still makes the same choice, at least you know she went into it knowing the possible risks.
Here's my example: When I got my IUD my sister told me that she had gotten pregnant on one and therefor had done a ton of research on them. Turns out that they aren't as reliable as they're supposed to be and her situation wasn't as uncommon as it should have been. She didn't tell me not to get it, but she did want to warn me with some information that she happened to have just in case I hadn't stumbled upon it. She wasn't telling me what to do, but cared enough to give me her .02. If she doesn't want to hear anymore, then you can stop, but at least you won't regret not saying something later on.
Yep, this.
Actually, I was just in this situation. My sister is also currently pregnant with #2 and has an induction planned for Monday (39 weeks, 2 days, and she's not at all sure of when she conceived they actually moved her EDD by quite a bit based on a 2nd early U/S). Anyway, she's been having a lot of prodromal labor and her provider essentially told her at her 38 week appointment that if those contractions haven't sent her into labor yet, then they never will and she needs to be induced, so they scheduled the induction.
When she told me this I was really sad. First, because I hate that a care provider will tell you not to trust your body, your body isn't doing what it's supposed to, we need to intervene, etc. when clearly that's not even true, and second because I was with the same office last time and I have a suspicion that they intentionally do things to try to emotionally undermine mom's trust in her body (i.e. if you're not in labor yet, your body isn't going to do it on its own, baby is too big to past your EDD, etc. They pulled extremely similar things with her last pregnancy, they did the same stuff to me during my pregnancy, and now they're doing it again with her 2nd. Luckily, I'm with a new practice this time. I never should have stayed with them last time).
ANYWAY, when she told me this I debated whether to say anything. After all, I'm not a medical professional, I've just done a lot of research, not to mention it's her body and her baby. Ultimately, I decided that if the situation were reversed I would want her to say something to me. So what I said was, "I would never tell you what to do with your body or judge you for any decisions you make, but I just want you to know that there's no reason you need to induce at this point. What they're telling you about your body never going into labor if it hasn't at this point isn't true and that office is pretty induction happy. I just want you to understand that inducing labor is riskier for mom and baby and also raises your chances of ending up with an unplanned C/S".
She, of course, completely disregarded this info, but I feel like I've done what I can and I know I didn't offend her. She and my mom just think I'm completely crazy for even thinking of questioning a doctor's advice
I had a negative labor experience last time and so I'm taking a different path this time and my mom has told me that my info is wrong and that I "think about it too much". Whatevs.
I'm still hoping she goes into labor before Monday. She started losing her mucus plug and having bloody show on Wednesday along with more contractions. I know they'll probably have her on Pit as soon as she walks in the door, but at least actually being ready for labor will give her a leg up!
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With your case, I would suggest mentioning something in a very casual way. Sort of a "Oh wow, I'm surprised your OB would want to do an induction since it increases your chance of C-section and other complications." Tell her that you heard these things from your OB/midwife or from various sources while getting ready to have your child. Don't make it about her not knowing things, make it about her OB doing something you're surprised by.
Some people blindly trust their OB's and don't feel they should ever question them, it can be tricky to know how to handle that if the information they're getting is incorrect or if they're not being told the things they probably should.
I worked very hard for a year to be less judgmental. I still struggle with it, but I am doing better at keeping it to myseflf (and I guess the bumpies
). A close friend, who is a nurse and really should at least know to do more research, was just induced over a week before her due date. Everything went great, I just wish she gave more consideration to her reasoning and did some research beyond letting her OB make all the shots. She was induced with both of her kids because she is very small framed and was afraid baby would get stuck.
I tried very hard to not make any comments, but she brought up her friend who had emergency cs because baby got stuck. I asked her if her friend was pushing on her back, she had no idea.
It seems like your sis is in the mindset like my friend. You could make a comment, but most likely she would either dismiss you or worse, be angry or upset at your not being supportive. All of us make a choice either to educate ourselves or blindly rely on someone. She made her choice, you made yours. It is hard to say nothing when you have so much information available, but sometimes the all you can do is pray for the best and hold their hand no matter what.
IRL I would be unlikely to say anything.
But, in my fantasy life, I would perhaps ask her why she's planning what she's planning and get her to explain her reasoning to you. Then you have an opening for a dialogue which she, as a grown woman, can do with what she wants.
100% I would not preach. I see that as a backfire.
Will she be insulted if you tell her that the rate of c/s increase with non-medical inductions? If it's my sister or close friend and we have a good relationship, I will tell them straight-up if something is a bad plan.
I have a friend who said she wants an induction if her baby isn't born by 40 weeks, but I don't think her doctor is leaning that way. So just because your sister says it doesn't mean it'll happen.
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