How would you handle/respond to this?

Shannon526

Ok.. this turned out longer than expected.. so sorry in advance :-) 

So for those who may not remember, we are still currently living at my parents' house. It has definitely had its ups and downs, and I'm very grateful that they've allowed us to stay here while we save money for our own house.

L's birthday is coming up (Nov 1st) and MH is taking the day off so the 3 of us can do something special as a family. I'm still not sure what we are going to do, but I just wanted to spend that day together, and of course eat a cupcake or 2 haha.

My mom has asked at least 2 times in the past week what we have planned for L's birthday. I told her that we were unsure. She said, "Oh well I was thinking we could all go out to eat to xyz place" By "we" she means my whole family.. mom, dad, and brothers.

While I am not against celebrating L's birthday with them, I really wanted it to be a special day for MH and I (and L of course).  I don't mind going out to eat with them, but the fact that my mom wants to plan the whole thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way I guess.

I haven't really responded to my mom when she suggest all of us going out to eat, I just sort of shrug and say "I don't know yet", hoping she will get the hint and drop it.

I guess I should also say that if you knew my mom, this is just typical of her behavior. She has always tried to be the parent to L, not the grandparent... sometimes I swear she forgets that I"m the one that gave birth to L.  She always has to put her 2cents in to everything I do with L... what I'm giving her for lunch, what time she napped/for how long... She basically tries to micromanage my life.

Let's just say thank God we are going to look at some more houses today

If any of you ladies have any words of wisdom on how to deal with this situation, I'd really appreciate it.

I don't know how to gif, so here is some cake and a coffee for your enjoyment  

Fianschneid

I think as long as you give her the "I don't know" she will continue to plan. She doesn't know that you want to do something special because you haven't told her.

Let her know that DH is taking the day off and the three of you are having a special day together. Be clear about that - it is the three of you. At the end of the day, you can meet up with the whole family for dinner. Maybe she can plan that part.

My sister lives in a house that she rents from my mom and, while it isn't exactly the same situation, it certainly complicates their relationship. Since she lives with your LO, your mom probably does feel a greater stake in his upbringing that most grandparents. Not saying it is right or wrong, just saying it is something I've noticed.

pearblossom

I would try for a a compromise. Something like "H and I have a few special activities planned for her, but we'd love to meet up back here at the house for dessert with everyone."

LCass

I think Flanschneid gave you a good suggestion.  You need to be straightforward with your mom that your H is taking the day off and the three of you are spending it together, just your little family unit.  If you want to do dinner with the family at the end of the day, that's great and you can decide if you want to plan it or let her.  If you want the whole day to be just the three of you then I think you need to say that is what you want and then suggest another time (on the weekend?) that the family can all celebrate with her.  You can't really expect your mom to get the hint because all you've told her is that you don't know what your plans are - she's probably thinking you don't have anything planned and are too busy/tired/uninterested/whatever so she's stepping in.  That's not really unreasonable, with the information (or lack thereof) that you've given her.

pennysuedog

Hey, We spent nine months at my parents house last year I totally get where you are coming from.  We made it through it and we have been at our new home almost a year.  Try to remember that your Mom is just  trying to be helpful. 

I think you need to stop beating around the bush about the birthday and just say the three of you are spending the day together and the whole family can go out on a different day.  Dropping hints, and not directly communicating your wants just leaves people upset and dissatisfied.  If there is an issue about how you are celebrating the day it would be better to get the disagreement resolved now then on her birthday!  

shediva1

I like the PP suggestions, tell your mom that you guys will do something special all day, then meet with them for dessert/cake or dinner. 

cantalopes24

My immediate family is really close and my parents helped a lot when I was a single mom and so when MH and I got married and lived with them it was weird not including them. We would plan things outside of the house because how am I going to tell you not to hang out with us when we're sitting in your family room. I would plan something and tell your mom we're doing x but when we get home we can have cake together.

blu-eyedwife

LCass:

You can't really expect your mom to get the hint because all you've told her is that you don't know what your plans are - she's probably thinking you don't have anything planned and are too busy/tired/uninterested/whatever so she's stepping in.  That's not really unreasonable, with the information (or lack thereof) that you've given her.

This is my thought too.  I mean, it's not unreasonable for any grandparent, no matter the situation, to want their grandchild to have a special birthday.  If she keeps asking what you're doing and you keep saying you don't know, in her mind that means you don't know.  And it's only a week away, so she wants to make sure there's something to set the day apart.  Asking if you want to do dinner with everyone doesn't seem like she's trying to plan a big birthday celebration or step on anyone's toes.

And I think, to an extent, you have to make compromises when it comes to family.  My ideal birthday situation for me would involve loads of friends and no family.  But it's really important to my mom that we all have dinner together on someone's birthdays, so I plan around that.

cantalopes24

blu-eyedwife:

LCass:

You can't really expect your mom to get the hint because all you've told her is that you don't know what your plans are - she's probably thinking you don't have anything planned and are too busy/tired/uninterested/whatever so she's stepping in.  That's not really unreasonable, with the information (or lack thereof) that you've given her.

This is my thought too.  I mean, it's not unreasonable for any grandparent, no matter the situation, to want their grandchild to have a special birthday.  If she keeps asking what you're doing and you keep saying you don't know, in her mind that means you don't know.  And it's only a week away, so she wants to make sure there's something to set the day apart.  Asking if you want to do dinner with everyone doesn't seem like she's trying to plan a big birthday celebration or step on anyone's toes.

And I think, to an extent, you have to make compromises when it comes to family.  My ideal birthday situation for me would involve loads of friends and no family.  But it's really important to my mom that we all have dinner together on someone's birthdays, so I plan around that.

Especially if they're helping you out financially by letting you live with them. IMO when you accept help from family you kind of have to bite your tongue and compromise.

 

Elsa1984

My mom is the same way and on top of it, always wants to be in charge of everything and micromanage everything.

Maybe just tell her you would like to spend her actual birthday just the three of you guys but if she wants to do a little birthday party get together the day before or day after, she is more than welcome to do it. I am a bush so I would totally flip it around and say it would be so special for LO if grandma threw her actual party. Then my mom would get crazy excited and I wouldn't have to put together a party I never wanted to plan....and it would keep my mom out of my hair and still give me my special day with just SO, LO and I.

Shannon526

Thank you to everyone who gave me some advice for this situation. I definitely agree that I need to be more direct with her. I like the idea of MH, L and I doing something during the day, then eating dessert back at home :-)  I plan to tell my mom that today.

I'm sorry that it took me almost 24 hours to respond back to my post, but we put an offer in on a house yesterday and let's just say my mom didn't handle it very maturely. I plan on writing her a letter to explain everything that's been bothering me. I hope she understands where I'm coming from because she's making it very awkward to live in her house.

Again, thank you to all of you ladies for your suggestions and insight, I really appreciate it! :-)

cantalopes24

Shannon526:

Thank you to everyone who gave me some advice for this situation. I definitely agree that I need to be more direct with her. I like the idea of MH, L and I doing something during the day, then eating dessert back at home :-)  I plan to tell my mom that today.

I'm sorry that it took me almost 24 hours to respond back to my post, but we put an offer in on a house yesterday and let's just say my mom didn't handle it very maturely. I plan on writing her a letter to explain everything that's been bothering me. I hope she understands where I'm coming from because she's making it very awkward to live in her house.

Again, thank you to all of you ladies for your suggestions and insight, I really appreciate it! :-)

I hope your mom calms down! My relationship with my mom is 100% better now that we aren't living together and I can ignore her when she pisses me off. 

btsrc5

I think you have a good plan.  Since you are living with your parents, for free, eventhough it may be hard, i think you need to be a little more understanding and accepting of your mom and her attempts to help.  (this coming from someone who has never lives with her parents past high school and never would, so take it for what it is worth)

pennysuedog

Eeek, be careful writing how you feel, some people tend not to throw letters like that away and they will keep throwing it back in your face.  You are almost done living there, just hold on a little longer!  Too many emotions and lives are tangled up right now, once you have moved out things will be so much better!  It may be hard on you living at your parents but it is hard on them too.   

Liz4444

OK, I'm going to be the lone azzhole... You, your husband, and your child are living in your parents home, so honestly, until you have your own home, there really isn't a "just the 3 of you".  You are currently living as a 5 person (or however many brothers are living in the house) family.  I get that this is a special day for you and your husband, but this is their grandchild, it's a special day for them as well.  By not including them, you are basically saying to your mother, you are good enough to put a roof over my head, pay all of the bills, but not good enough to spend a special occasion with. 

I know this seems harsh, but look at it from her perspective.  She may be treating you like a child, and your child like hers, but you are living under her roof.  She may not be treating you like an adult because in her mind, she probably doesn't think you are acting like one.  I think things will change tremendously when you move out, but even then, she will want to spend special occasions with her grandchild.  We have our own house, but my mother would have been devastated if she didn't see Li on her birthday.

 

Shannon526

Liz4444:

OK, I'm going to be the lone azzhole... You, your husband, and your child are living in your parents home, so honestly, until you have your own home, there really isn't a "just the 3 of you".  You are currently living as a 5 person (or however many brothers are living in the house) family.  I get that this is a special day for you and your husband, but this is their grandchild, it's a special day for them as well.  By not including them, you are basically saying to your mother, you are good enough to put a roof over my head, pay all of the bills, but not good enough to spend a special occasion with. 

I know this seems harsh, but look at it from her perspective.  She may be treating you like a child, and your child like hers, but you are living under her roof.  She may not be treating you like an adult because in her mind, she probably doesn't think you are acting like one.  I think things will change tremendously when you move out, but even then, she will want to spend special occasions with her grandchild.  We have our own house, but my mother would have been devastated if she didn't see Li on her birthday.

 

I don't think you are being an azzhole, you make very vaild points. There are 7 people and a dog living under her roof and my dad and her are supporting all of us. (we all work, but YKWIM)  I am so very grateful for that, believe me.

I am not saying I don't want my mom to see L on her birthday. I guess what I wanted was for her to understand why I would want to spend some or most of the day with just MH and L.  Of course we would see her that day, we live with her lol.  I think another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she didn't even consider inviting my ILs over to celebrate. She wanted it to just be my side of the family. That part I found quite rude TBH.

But I do understand where you're coming from and again, I don't think you were being an azzhole :-)

Shannon526

cantalopes24:

Shannon526:

Thank you to everyone who gave me some advice for this situation. I definitely agree that I need to be more direct with her. I like the idea of MH, L and I doing something during the day, then eating dessert back at home :-)  I plan to tell my mom that today.

I'm sorry that it took me almost 24 hours to respond back to my post, but we put an offer in on a house yesterday and let's just say my mom didn't handle it very maturely. I plan on writing her a letter to explain everything that's been bothering me. I hope she understands where I'm coming from because she's making it very awkward to live in her house.

Again, thank you to all of you ladies for your suggestions and insight, I really appreciate it! :-)

I hope your mom calms down! My relationship with my mom is 100% better now that we aren't living together and I can ignore her when she pisses me off. 

I definitely think it will improve once we are not living there. At least that is what I'm hoping for. It was great when we lived in FL haha

LCass

Shannon526:

I am not saying I don't want my mom to see L on her birthday. I guess what I wanted was for her to understand why I would want to spend some or most of the day with just MH and L.  Of course we would see her that day, we live with her lol.  I think another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she didn't even consider inviting my ILs over to celebrate. She wanted it to just be my side of the family. That part I found quite rude TBH.

I was actually going to bring that up, but then thought that your ILs might not live nearby and that it wasn't quite the point of the post.  I would definitely have an issue with that.  My mom tried the same thing for Lily's birthday.  My parents, brother and SIL were driving in on the morning of her birthday, we were having a party for lunch with both sides of the family and a couple friends, and then a photoshoot with my family.  I asked if they were going to drive back that night or if we should go out for dinner with my ILs.  My mom replied that she thought that dinner should be just our family because my brother and SIL were only in town for a couple of days and it would be the only "real chance" for family time (except that they were all staying overnight and we were going to their home the next day).  Fortunately my dad backed me up that there was no way we couldn't include Lily's other grandparents and uncle (SIL had to work) on her birthday.

Exciting about the offer on the house!  And I'm sorry your mom was a pain about it.

Liz4444

Shannon526:

I am not saying I don't want my mom to see L on her birthday. I guess what I wanted was for her to understand why I would want to spend some or most of the day with just MH and L.  Of course we would see her that day, we live with her lol.  I think another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she didn't even consider inviting my ILs over to celebrate. She wanted it to just be my side of the family. That part I found quite rude TBH.

But I do understand where you're coming from and again, I don't think you were being an azzhole :-)

Eh, it's her house, she can have over who she wants and doesn't have to invite anyone else.  When it's your house, you can invite whomever you want.  If you want to include your inlaws, you should take everyone to a restaurant.  I find it more rude that you would expect her to host more people than she wants to.

LCass

Liz4444:

Shannon526:

I am not saying I don't want my mom to see L on her birthday. I guess what I wanted was for her to understand why I would want to spend some or most of the day with just MH and L.  Of course we would see her that day, we live with her lol.  I think another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she didn't even consider inviting my ILs over to celebrate. She wanted it to just be my side of the family. That part I found quite rude TBH.

But I do understand where you're coming from and again, I don't think you were being an azzhole :-)

Eh, it's her house, she can have over who she wants and doesn't have to invite anyone else.  When it's your house, you can invite whomever you want.  If you want to include your inlaws, you should take everyone to a restaurant.  I find it more rude that you would expect her to host more people than she wants to.

But her mom's suggestion was that they all go to a restaurant.  And it still is inconsiderate to not think that the other side of the family might want to see L on her birthday, too.

Shannon526

LCass:

Liz4444:

Shannon526:

I am not saying I don't want my mom to see L on her birthday. I guess what I wanted was for her to understand why I would want to spend some or most of the day with just MH and L.  Of course we would see her that day, we live with her lol.  I think another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she didn't even consider inviting my ILs over to celebrate. She wanted it to just be my side of the family. That part I found quite rude TBH.

But I do understand where you're coming from and again, I don't think you were being an azzhole :-)

Eh, it's her house, she can have over who she wants and doesn't have to invite anyone else.  When it's your house, you can invite whomever you want.  If you want to include your inlaws, you should take everyone to a restaurant.  I find it more rude that you would expect her to host more people than she wants to.

But her mom's suggestion was that they all go to a restaurant.  And it still is inconsiderate to not think that the other side of the family might want to see L on her birthday, too.

Thanks Lcass for realizing what my jumbled mess meant lol, I should've been more clear when I said "inviting them over" .. by over, I didn't mean come to our house.. I meant invite them over to a restaurant w/ us. 

Liz4444

Shannon526:

LCass:

Liz4444:

Shannon526:

I am not saying I don't want my mom to see L on her birthday. I guess what I wanted was for her to understand why I would want to spend some or most of the day with just MH and L.  Of course we would see her that day, we live with her lol.  I think another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she didn't even consider inviting my ILs over to celebrate. She wanted it to just be my side of the family. That part I found quite rude TBH.

But I do understand where you're coming from and again, I don't think you were being an azzhole :-)

Eh, it's her house, she can have over who she wants and doesn't have to invite anyone else.  When it's your house, you can invite whomever you want.  If you want to include your inlaws, you should take everyone to a restaurant.  I find it more rude that you would expect her to host more people than she wants to.

But her mom's suggestion was that they all go to a restaurant.  And it still is inconsiderate to not think that the other side of the family might want to see L on her birthday, too.

Thanks Lcass for realizing what my jumbled mess meant lol, I should've been more clear when I said "inviting them over" .. by over, I didn't mean come to our house.. I meant invite them over to a restaurant w/ us. 

But, who would be paying for the meal?  The way this all comes off, it seems as though your parents would be paying for whatever it is, whether it is in a restaurant or in their home, otherwise, it wouldn't matter whether she wanted to invite them or not, it wouldn't be her call.  I'm sure she realizes that they would want to be with their grandchild, that doesn't mean she needs to pay for it. Have you mentioned previously that they had voiced any sort of interest in spending the day with you guys?  Have they voiced any sort of interest?  It honestly seems to me like you are searching for ways to turn your mother into the bish in this situation.