Please tell me I'm not an awful mother!

BeanBurritoWithCheese

I'm not a regular on this board, but who knows the wrath of a 2-year-old better than some fellow moms?

My DD is definitely in the terrible twos.  The thing is, most of the time, it is only directed at me.  DH always comments "she doesn't act like that for me" when I tell him about "naughty" things she does (she will hit/kick me, but not him, etc).  I am really fed up with both him and my mom saying things like "it must be something about the way you react" or "she just likes the attention because it bothers you."  It doesn't seem to matter WHAT I do or how I react, she still does it.  I have tried ignoring it, but then I feel like I am not teaching her right and wrong.  I try positive attention (playing with her, reading to her, and redirecting her when she acts up), but that doesn't work or only works for so long.  I have tried negative attention (telling her that it is not nice to hit/scream/whatever), but she thinks it is funny and just says "hit mama" and smiles about it.  She gets upset about timeouts, but I'm not sure they really "work," ya know?

This sounds so stupid, but...it really hurts my feelings.  Sometimes I feel that she doesn't love me and it doesn't help to always be told she acts up because of something I'm doing.  No one is saying it to be mean, but they don't seem to understand that I'm not necesarily looking for a solution, just to be heard and reassured.  I am pregnant again and while I am thrilled, I am also terrified that I have gotten myself into something I can't handle.

TL;DR--I know, sorry!  I just needed to get it out.  Any advice or reassurance is much appreciated! 

lynsef

You're not an awful mother.  She is just going through a phase.  On occassion DD has a bad day and she usually takes it out on me more than she does on DH, it's just part of being a mom.  I try to ignore the behavior.  However, if she is getting out of control then she gets a time out.

memali26

I've been told that often toddlers will act out the most with the person they are most comfortable with. They aren't feeling pressure to behave or meet a certain standard, they can just relax and let go. I have no idea if that's really true, but it makes sense if you think about it - your LO knows you as her mom will love her no matter what, and it's okay to be 100% real and completely herself with you. You're her safe haven.

Again, no idea if it's true from a psychological/scientific standpoint, but maybe if you think about it in that context it will make it easier to find the patience to face it. I know there are days I have to remind myself DD1 does in fact love me and does not hate me, she's just being a 2 year old and it's good that she feels safe being a 2 year old at home with me. Doesn't change her behavior, but puts me in a better mindset to deal.

BeanBurritoWithCheese

Thank you for the responses!  It is times like these that I feel awful for every mean thing I have ever done or said to my own mom

CalBears

2 is just a tough age. It is important to be consistent. Try to remember that your 2 year old is testing boundaries, trying to gain independence, and practicing the word no. I'm sure you're doing a great job! I have a 4.5 year old and it's amazing how different she is from her 2 year old days. Thank goodness!

LSU628

DD is/was the same way with me. She would hit me whereas she never hits her dad and she listens more to him. My mom pointed out that I spend more time with her, therefore I discipline her more. I also am the one to make her do the not fun things like sit at the table and eat, pick up toys, take a nap, etc. It makes sense, but it still really hurt my feelings. I felt like DD spent half of her summer off with me in time out or in her room for cool off.

islelily

DS acts out with me too. It has gotten better recently, but we went through a long phase of him hitting, pinching, trying to bite me when he was upset about something.  He never tried that with DH (until recently).  To top it off, he was in a definite "daddy!" stage where I was poop when DH was around. It hurt my feelings and I had a few cries over it, but it has gotten better.  

I've been trying to be consistent with the "no hitting" and "use soft hands" while trying to show him what I mean. And time outs worked some too. I don't really know what started the change for better, but he definitely doesn't hit like he used to. I think it's something that they grow out of and I agree with PP that they are probably testing their limits, especially with the caretaker they are most familiar with.

Hang in there!