Is it possible to be a director or executive w out having a sah partner?

Sigir

My live is insane. I am a director in pharma, travel a lot, two kids, dh who is a full time student. I feel like I am barely hanging on, both professionally and personally, most of the time. I am always tired and falling into bed. I do well at work, but feel like a mess.

I was in a meeting w some male executives, and one of them mentioned how his wife packs everything for him, for his business trips... down to his pills in a day by day pill case. Then they all started talking about what their sah wives do for them. It dawned on me... These guys have it so easy compared to me, bc they pretty much have personal assistants in their sah wives. on the other hand, most of the working moms I know have spouses that also work, so we don't experience the benefits of having someone at home, running the household and supporting us. That led me to thinking... Is it physically and or mentally possible to have that demanding of a job, and not have a sah partner? I for one think that if my life at work for even 1 percent busier, I would not be able to handle it without more support at home. As it is, my house is a mess and I barely cook.

What do you all think?

daisy662

Great post! I am also an executive with a very demanding travel job. I am going back to work on Monday and am very nervous on how I am going to handle it all. My DH also has a really good job, though not as demanding or as high level as mine. He knows that he will have to take on the brunt of things during the week. I wish he would be a SAHD, but he does not want to do that. I am also in a position where my colleagues all have SAH wives - this should be an interesting transition...

chels0120

I think it is doable but like you said, you can't do it all. And if you and your SO are both in the same boat then it may be worth looking into more help? Someone that can come once a week and clean the house and prepare some meals so that take something off your plate? We are looking at hiring a lady that is retired right now to do basically that.

KathrynMD

It takes a village, you know?  And sometimes, you have to hire the villagers. ..

If you need more help than you are getting at home, you may need to hire it. 

I know several working moms that either have nannies/housekeepers or personal assistants at work that help them that much. 

whynotwhynot

If both partners are working demanding jobs I think that it makes sense to pay for extra help around the house (house cleaner, yard crew ect.).  You might also look into an au pair or nanny.  It is important that limited time at home be put to quality time with children. 

theseaword

We both have demanding, high level positions and it's a challenge! I've been attempting to maintain my work/life balance, but I know that leaving the office at a decent hour will likely mean reducing my career momentum.  Honestly, I'm sure it's possible in the right work environment, but it's hard.

michaelaskedlauren

I have definitely learned that it does take a village as PP said. Having the ability to hire people to help me get things done is a life-saver...as is grocery delivery with pre-made meals.

reb562

10-22-2012 at 1:37 PM

daisy662 --> Great post! I am also an executive with a very demanding travel job. I am going back to work on Monday and am very nervous on how I am going to handle it all. My DH also has a really good job, though not as demanding or as high level as mine. He knows that he will have to take on the brunt of things during the week. I wish he would be a SAHD, but he does not want to do that. I am also in a position where my colleagues all have SAH wives - this should be an interesting transition...

 I feel like could have written the exact same response. --Ditto to this

I actually hire a cleaning lady to come to my house once or twice a month.  I can do the basics, but when it comes to the details, I need help.  I feel your pain, but just know you're not alone. 

KathrynMD

It takes a village, you know?  And sometimes, you have to hire the villagers. ..

If you need more help than you are getting at home, you may need to hire it. 

I know several working moms that either have nannies/housekeepers or personal assistants at work that help them that much. 

1026pumpkin

I think you can definitely have a high-level job without a sah partner, you just need extra help and it doesn't matter where it comes from.  I don't know that you could hire someone to pack your undies and your pills for you, but if you can afford someone to come in and clean and maybe start dinner or pack the kids' lunches for the next day, it could take a lot of your plate.  Also try to see what else you can automate- pickup dry cleaning or laundry, grocery delivery, get stuff delivered with Amazon subscribe and save, etc.

I used to travel almost every day and work 80-90 hr weeks.  My husband also had a FT job and we tried to divide and conquer the household responsibilities as much as possible, but he wasn't really able to help me with "personal assistant" type stuff.  Hopefully if you have enough help in other areas, it will give you a little more time to take care of your personal stuff and also have some time for yourself. 

Sigir

I agree with you ladies whole heartedly... But my dh is a full time student since this fall [ and those hours are longer than mine now!]. Since dh went back to school he is super concerned about money. I know it is the right plan long term, but short term we have been trying to spend less. So he just tries to do more, but things slip [we have not grocery shopped in 2 mths for example].

All my non work energy goes to the girls... But I often think how much happier I would be if dh was a sah dad and my house was cleaner, or he packed my clothes for me! It'd be like having my mom live w me! Maybe it would get old after a while, but right now it sounds like heaven!

kirac

Yes, but I agree, you need help.  And even with help, if you both have demanding careers, I think one career tends to dominate still.  Just too hard to balance everything.  Hm... I feel better about having a cleaning lady every based on this post.  Thanks!

daisy662

Good point on needing help. We hire people for just about everything we can! And did even before my little guy was born. I like my free time to be used for doing fun things, not house work! Especially now that DS is here, I will want to spend my free time with him.

We have a cleaning lady every other week, a landscaping company that takes care of the yard, and the kid down the street come a couple times a week to run our dogs around the neighborhood. I buy pre-made dinners from the grocery store or local meat market. They actually taste really good! I am also a huge fan of the steamer vegetables.They taste great!

Lahardy96

Yes, but it isn't easy.  I try to schedule things out, communicate and get help. My co-workers and bosses know that unless pre-arranged I'm not available between 4:30 and 8 three days a week (unless prearranged except in emergencies), but frequently do 9pm calls. I try to schedule in advance meals (both ones I make and one's my husband can do, and if we switch it around b/c something changes it's ok), weekend activities/errands/chores (making sure to schedule quality family time), my MIL comes out once a week so my dh and I can work out, and generally once a month so my dh and I can either do things around the house/errands or have a date, and my house is generally not in the best shape, but Saturday mornings I spend 30 minutes straightening what I can before the kids get up - and makes me feel a little better. As much as I would love a housekeeper, we can't swing it yet with our other priorities. That's what I did before I went one leave with my second. Here's hoping I can keep it up when I go back in a week.

Snow1010

I think it can be done....but I think it all depends on how each person handles stress and a very "busy" life.  Some people thrive on that, others (like me) end up stressed and miserable. 

I'm a director now and was offered a VP position.....I turned it down.   Yes, horrible career move, but I having a good work/life balance was more important to me.  My DH has a high level job and travels quite a bit.  I knew the VP position would require more travel for me.  

I just knew I would not deal well with all that stress so declining the position was a better move for our family.   But, if I did take, I would have definitely gotten more help!!!!

SuperSuz

It's doable, but hard.  I think you need to have more help around the house.

DH is pretty high up and has a demanding job.  He just actually left for a 2 week trip to China... and my job while at the moment is not too bad, has been out of control busy this past year.  Until late summer I travelled 1 - 2 times a month (usually for a week at a time), had to work late at home and on weekends.  At DH's level, I am one of the only (or very few) spouses that work (and have a demanding job no less). 

We have a housekeeper that comes every other week and are in the process of getting a lawn service (we just moved).  I only cook on the weekends and we eat left overs throughout the week.  Crockpots are amazing.  Without the extra help, I would go crazy...

 

Pesky

I'm in lower exec ranks as well.  I don't travel as much as my DH (mgr level).  I flex time it more though.  I work hard during my work day, rarely if ever take a lunch and weekends are jam packed.  It works out though.  Would it be easier if DH was a SAHD?  Sure!!!!  But that's not what we want to do right now and is not really in the financial cards.  We've talked about him retiring early but that's it.  We figure that this is short-term.  The kids will soon be old enough to help out with more significant chores, helping us maintain the house better. 

groovygrl

Like pp's outsource household work & get some good sitters if needed.

MH is an executive & works much longer hours than me, but for that reason, we live 8 min from his work & I commute further (30-45 min). I am a senior type level position at my work but it is not the same type of business-y field and allows for more flexibility, work from home if needed (kids' appts etc) and I work in a female dominated field which helps I suppose. I do think the travel, regardless of one's level at work, is probably what would make things the most challenging for parents. I don't travel except a few conferences here & there, and  MH travels occasionally (like once or twice a month on average maybe) though usually a 2-3 day thing, maybe a full week twice a year, which is easily doable for me, esp if I know in advance & can block my schedule. I do have evening meetings for work on occasion and I invite MH via outlook so it is on his calendar to pick up kids (or drop off if I have to be in early).

Last year, MH moved to another state 4 months ahead of us and I was fine- I was in charge of kids M-F, worked full time, did all household stuff, put the house on the market, had it ready for showing every day for 2 months. He was home on weekends but we tried not to be doing 8 million house things so we could enjoy time as a family. I had a very flexible job at the time (more than now) but after that experience, I know that lots of things are possible. I did hire a sitter 2 evenings a week to help me w/ dinner/bath/bed so I could clean up & whatnot b/c of the house on the market.

You can do it, just need to admit when you need help & come up w/ some good systems. The travel is tough though.

mae0111

We are starting to feel the pinch, too.  DH travels quite a bit, and we are both on track for big promotions next year. Today, DH left at 5am on a trip. He was supposed to come back tomorrow afternoon, but had to push it to Wed. The only reason he's coming back is because I'm traveling Wed and Thurs this week, and someone has to be home. 

We've seriously discussed options for each of us to take a step back in our careers. We will outsource anything we can, but when the kids get to be school-aged and the after-school activities pick up, we've agreed that one of us should be there. It will likely be me stepping back, but that's not set in stone.

In the meantime, we eat simply (salads, sandwiches, premade soup most nights).  We have a lawn service and a cleaning lady. We hired a nanny - no prep most days.  We try to make the weekend family time. The house is often a mess, and I've learned to let it go (not easy!).  

 Good luck. It will get better! 

laurakaz13

I agree with the others that it is possible to do with lots of help. DH and I both have high-level, demanding jobs.  His moreso.  My hours are more flexible. 

 I would die without my mother's helper, who comes 2-3 times a week.  She runs errands, cooks, babysits, does daycare pick up/drop off, etc.  We also have a cleaning service. 

I too am jealous of all the men I work with who have SAHW's.  It's so easy for them, b/c every career decision in their family is all about them.  My H and I have to try to work things out between both our careers and it's harder. 

stl_bride

I also work in big pharma. While I agree w other posters that it is possible, I have had this exact discussion with coworkers before and we noticed that literally EVERY director level person we knew at the company had a sah so.  This included the females too. In fact, it is a running joke w my husband (who also works in big pharma) that once one of us becomes director then the other can "consult". In reality neither of us want the sah job, and both are a few years away from director level, so it is a nonissue. 

 Personally for me I have to travel at least once a month for my job.  I have a 1.5 yr old and another one the way in 5 months. Honestly I don't know if I can continue in my current role given the travel requirements once the second one comes. It is a hard decision I'm going to have to make soon which sucks bc I like my job, just not the travel.  That, and I'm pretty sure a job change will "mommy track" me.   

freezorburn

Great topic. Right now I am SAH b/c my company (small business) couldn't hold my job through maternity leave, and then we relocated for DH's job. DH is pretty high level at this point. And I would like to go back to work once I feel that we are settled and have figured out daycare, etc.

DH understands that I am not his mother. He packs his own suitcase and anything he needs for travel. He is in charge of figuring out if, when, and what he eats during the workday. And he comes home and cooks dinner when he is not on the road.

We also have someone come in to clean once a week. We still need to be neat and organized on a day to day basis, and we do all our own laundry, but it's nice to have the extra help. 

duchess0727

I agree with pps, it's not impossible but it requires a lot of help.  Most people I know at that level have either SAH spouses or a live-in nanny during the week.  Neither is really a possibility for me.  I'm just fortunate that I'm in a position that involves minimal travel and that I can do at home when necessary (although my company does not believe in flextime or WFM as a policy so I can't make a real habit of it).  I'm fortunate that my extra hours are put in at home.  My days are very intense however and spent mostly in meetings so generally when my kids go to bed, I have to do the actual work part.  I use my slow cooker a lot or we order in.  My husband does help a lot with cooking and cleaning so generally that is 50/50.  We have a cleaning service and a landscaper and outsource whatever we can.  We tried having groceries delivered but it backfired because they came without some of the things we needed so generally, we go early on a weekend.  I think eventually one of us will have to adjust because with 3 kids in 3 different places, life is pretty much out of control.  At least it's nice to see so many people dealing with the same issues and know we aren't alone!!

KBeaut

We have a similar situation, although it's hubby who works the crazy hours since he started his own company (travels 2 weeks a month, 80-90 hour weeks all the time, works most weekends).  I second hiring people to help.  The woman who cleans our house comes twice a month, and is amazing.  Seriously incredible.  And we hire out most of the yard work, snow removal, that sort of thing.  I fought if for a while when hubby started to get really busy - but he was right, we needed help, and it's awesome! 

And, you get to support other small business owners in the process