In-Laws P*ssing Me Off

akraxner

My husband and I decided that we do not want to find out the sex of our baby.  This is our first child and we want the surprise, plus we don't want tons of pink or blue stuff.  We are more than happy to have neutral-colored items for our child as we want to be able to use it again when we have number two.

My husband explained this to his parents who apparently didn't get it.  When we said we weren't going to find out, it meant we weren't letting anyone else know either.  They asked him to give our doctor permission to speak with them about my care and therefore find out the sex of the baby.  Um, no!  I realize that it might be "inconvenient" for people to have to wait until the baby is born to buy things specifically for a boy or girl.  But this is my first baby, I have TONS of other things I need that don't include clothes.  Plus, my family and friends want to know as well.  Why do they think it would be fair for them to know before anyone else? 

I need the opinion of some gals who aren't afraid to be honest about how they feel.   What would you have done had you been in my position?  Would you have let them know?  Am I being a total crazy B by being mad about this?

aislinnanne

Stand your ground. Them asking you to do something like give your doctor permission to talk to them about your care is opening up a can of worms that you may never be able to close (not to mention subjecting your doctor to their crazy). If you give on this, you're setting a dangerous precedent. They need to understand that you are the mother and this is between you and your SO. Like you said, you don't need a ton of clothes. Clothes are not the expensive part of raising an infant and if they REALLY want to get you some, tell them to just save the receipts. 

ldawngirl

Your ILs are nuts. Bottom line.

BeautyfromAshes

That is absolutely ridiculous. Why on earth would you let other people know before you? That's like having them find out you are pregnant before you do! 

We are also not finding out, and my MIL is not happy about it, but only in a "I can't believe you're making me wait!" sort of way, which is fine. I know she'll be glad once the baby is born and she will get that fun surprise. If my in-laws, or parents, or anyone seriously asked to talk to my doctor, I would just stare at them and say nothing. That is crossing the line. In fact, they're so far passed the line, the line is a dot to them!!! (Friends reference, anyone?"  

tondraluv

I agree with PP's, they need to respect the fact that you & your SO made this decision.

farmerpinky

I cannot imagine the level of dilution necessary for them to think you'd okay them having access to your medical info. Who asks for that thinking you'd say yes? 

Stand your ground. You're the mama.  

cheesecakerunner

Doesn't your husband see this is a little nuts? Have him reason with his parents. Just explain that you aren't going to give them medical access because you want everyone to find out at the same time. Leave it at that. They can't make you give them access, that is solely your choice.

Raven01

ldawngirl:

Your ILs are nuts. Bottom line.

jjs2010

Oh girl, I feel your pain.  I went through a similar situation with my bat-sh!t crazy MIL during my first pregnancy.  I told her Hell No!  This pregnancy she is out of her mind crazy wishing for a grand-daughter.  I am going to really enjoy her not knowing in advance of the birth again:)  Stand your ground!

AMJ6511

They are really overstepping boundaries, which really makes me mad for you. It's your life and your baby, do WHATEVER you want. It isn't up to them at all. I honestly cannot believe they had the audacity to as for permission to speak to your healthcare provider. 

keado

I would just say no and leave it at that . . . if you discuss it then its validating their opinions . . . I have more luck with family and boundaries with a laugh and saying "nope, absolutely not" and moving right along than blowing up about something.  You are not overreacting, its absurd they are suggesting this.  

silverfanatic

farmerpinky:

I cannot imagine the level of dilution necessary for them to think you'd okay them having access to your medical info. Who asks for that thinking you'd say yes? 

Stand your ground. You're the mama.  

This! There's no way it would be fair to anyone if they knew. You're the parents. You should be the first ones to know and they are just going to have to suck it up and wait. Besides the fact accessing your medical info is crazy, they would probably wind up telling other people or somehow word getting slipped to you and the surprise would be ruined for you.

JSS1002

BeautyfromAshes:

In fact, they're so far passed the line, the line is a dot to them!!! (Friends reference, anyone?"  

 

Totally inappropriate and crazy that they would even suggest that.

Also, I just quoted this line earlier today! 

kgs0505

Since you don't need a halthcare proxy why the hell would you allow them access to your personal, private medical information? That more than anything is stepping way over the boundaries. They can just wait like everyone else. There will still be cute clothes after the baby is born. The baby is going to be in sleepers for the first couple months pretty constantly anyway.

sbonnie

First, if you're being a crazy B then I'd be RIGHT there with ya on this one!!

Finding out the sex of YOUR baby is a very personal thing. Some people decide to do it and some don't. The decision is yours and you Hs. H and I are team green so obviously I can understand why you might not want to find out. We have been sooooo supported in that decision by our family and friends and part of that is because I think they realize it's OUR decision.

I would NEVER even consider letting someone else know and not me. I think it's incredibly selfish that they would even ask that. They must have a lot of balls. Plus, if you let them know, what if they accidentally told you guys and spoiled your surprised ahead of time? Not worth the risk.

I should probably stop typing cause the more I think about them asking you to do that the more irritated I become. I even mentionned in to my H who was like "WTF?". 

Tell them to suck it.

akraxner

Thanks guys!  I am feeling much better about this after seeing your responses.  And I totally agree, my in-laws are totally bat sh*t crazy. 

kateb171

No way would I let them know! You can bet in either situation, finding out or waiting, that DH and I would be the first to know. They had their children and got to choose what they wanted to do and now it's your child and your choice, they need to respect that. I would be irritated/pssed too!

principessa81

I am absolutely floored that your ILs had the balls to ask you to let them talk to your doctor about the sex of the baby/medical issues. That is so wildly inappropriate I don't even know how to respond to that! We are also Team Green, and we have received nothing but support from both sides of our family. Honestly, I think they're really excited that we're not finding out the sex. It's YOUR baby, YOUR body and no one else has the right to try and go over your head with information. What does your H say about all of this? 

Krissie2013

Wow and I thought my in-laws were bad... totally stand your ground and I agree with other posters that you shouldn't even engage in a discussion around this with them. Insane...

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha

farmerpinky:

Stand your ground. You're the mama.  

Exactly.

Also, no matter what you do, you will find people to criticize your decision. Always. So definitely stick to your guns. It's YOUR pregnancy and no one else's.

AtlJuneBride

Ignore them.  We were team green for DD.  It drove everyone except my mom crazy.  Be prepared for people to look at you like you said you are giving birth to an alien when you tell them you aren't finding out.  However, once we got to the middle of my pregnancy it was clear that we weren't going to bend.  After that they were a little more accepting of our not finding out (they realized that they didn't have a choice).  Even though they acted put out, nothing will beat the video that we have of Dh going into the waiting room to tell them we had a girl.  I am so glad that we waited.  I don't regret it one bit, and now that it's over, they don't either.

mrsbea

Id just tell them that by you guys choosing to keep it a secret, a surprise, that means its a secret for EVERYONE. Since its hubbys parents, id let him tell them or do it as partners. They only have 2 options, either respect it and go along with it or get mad. If they get mad? Tough! Sounds nuts that they would even try to get your prenatal health care information. Stand your ground now. With some inlaws, either side ones, it can get more nuts. Have boundaries that need following and respect before the baby is born.

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Fremdschamen

They are being crazy.  I would never give my doctor permission to speak to my ILs about my care, even though they are wonderful, caring people.  The baby is in your uterus, so only you and your SO get to decide what you do and do not find out about your baby. 

I would just tell them no, and if they keep pushing it, ask my DH to step in and explain that you view it as something between the two of you only, and that they can find out the sex of the baby on the baby's birthday, after you and DH find out.  Make sure he emphasizes that this is a final decision, you won't be changing your minds, and it is not up for negotiation or discussion.

Eko14

Wow in your situation I would blow up on the spot. The request is over the top rediculous, invaisive and rude.

karinnjustin

Forget that, if you want to be suprised, then they can wait! You are NOT a crazy b by being upset by them INSISTING THEY get to know! oooh how incovenient! lol.

We are planning on waiting as well. Of course my MIL waited for both of her pregnancies so it was no argumant there luckily....

It sure will be hard for us to wait all that time though!!! I think its exciting to wait...keeps you wondering/anxious longer its a rush lol