Very frusturated. need your advice. :/

StarrSquared

Ok so, DH and i wern't trying to get pregnant. we were using controceptives at the time and the reason for that is because DH got laied off from his job in Feb this year. I stopped applying at places once i hit 6 months and DH has yet to find a job much less actually try. It really sucks because i just dont know what to do. im so tired of DH not trying to provide for me and DD and this new gift we've been blessed with. but i just dont know what to do or how to handle the situation. he has been claiming un employment and it's going to end in the next two or three weeks. we shoudnt have had to live off of it for so long. it just seems like DH doesnt care. like he's more intrested in playing his games and letting his family and my family provide for us but it's not their responsibility. it's ours. and i fully understand that. every time i try and talk to him about it though he either shuts down or starts yelling about how since im the pregnant one i need to look for a job not him... i could really really use some advice on how to handel this. im honestly tempted to just up and walk away. take DD and go to my parents house till he gets his *** together but i dont want to do that because i know it wont change anything. sos.

sbevmc09

Wow... yeah, that's an incredibly frustrating situation.  Obviously you can't control other people, you can only control yourself and how you react to the situation. 

I know you said he shuts down when you try to talk to him, but I think you have to try again.  Maybe try to get to the root of why he isn't even bothering to look/apply for jobs?  (Which, btw, I guess I can't 100% comment on because I'm only familiar with Ohio laws, but in Ohio and a lot of other places, you are not entitled to draw unemployment unless you are actively seeking work at the time.  To collect the benefits without doing so is fraud and if they find out about it, they can ask that any benefits claimed be repaid immediately.  I don't know what state you live in, but here it's taken pretty seriously.  Not to scare you, but just so you're aware.)  How does he expect you and your family to live without any income?  What are his plans for moving forward?  Etc. 

You asking him to look for a job is not unreasonable.  It's unreasonable for him to expect to have no income.  If he's not willing to contribute to the family in a way which you both find acceptable then you'll need to evaluate whether it's worth it to be in a relationship with this person.  I can tell you that I would not be okay being in a relationship with someone who would just be willing to step aside and let us struggle or expect only me to come up with financial solutions.  I would take that very seriously.

spikeinc

Where are you living? If you are paying rent and neither of you is working, I would go to my parents and continue to look for a short term work opportunity.

If it were me, I would seriously consider walking away until he gets a job and starts acting like a responsible adult. From your post it sounds as if he is not making an effort to find work at all and that is the most concerning thing as well as his attitude that you need to be the "one finding a job since you are pregnant". 

It hasn't been that long since he has been off work but if he is not making an effort then that is the bigger problem. There is a possibility that they might extend his unemployment benefits but this shouldn't mean that he continues to sit on his ass.

If you stay where you are and doing what you are doing, what incentive does he have to work harder to find a job? It doesn't sound as if having one child and another one coming up is motivating him. Maybe an ultimatum would make the difference. Some people though just never get it together and if he is this type of person, you might just be better off on your own. 

Also, I think you should continue to apply to places to work even if they are short term work opportunities. Many women work up until a week or so before the birth. Not that this is pleasant but it sounds like there is no one but you to rely on right now and you will need every penny you can get very shortly. 

And once at the 6 week mark, consider getting an IUD. I had the paragard which is non hormonal and I really liked it. I was never great at taking the pill and don't like hormones so it was great. Certainly there have been instances of people getting pregnant on IUDs but those happen pretty rarely in comparison to the bc pill and other methods of contraceptions.

Sorry you are going through this time. I wish you luck. 

bearkatjen

That is frustrating! I wonder if there aren't two problems here. One, he is depressed over being unemployed, and two, he thinks you got pregnancy on purpose, because his comment about how you should get a job because you're pregnant, not him, makes me think that he believes you chose this behind his back.

Either way, you're not going to get anywhere with him unless you both communicate. I can't imagine interviewing and getting hired this late in your pregnancy, but I know women who have done it. I think you both need to be applying for everything you can. Maybe it would help your DH if applying for jobs felt more like a team effort. You both help each other find jobs to apply for and sit down together to write resumes and cover letters and fill out applications?  

2u2wow

no offense but he sounds like a bum...he should be providing for his family and new baby on the way. if he expects you to get a job to provide then maybe you should go home with your family and let them help. 

he obviously doesn't care about you guys enough to support you, i can't imagine being with someone like that.

hope it all works out for you and you can get the help you need 

StarrSquared

spikeinc:

Where are you living? If you are paying rent and neither of you is working, I would go to my parents and continue to look for a short term work opportunity.If it were me, I would seriously consider walking away until he gets a job and starts acting like a responsible adult. From your post it sounds as if he is not making an effort to find work at all and that is the most concerning thing as well as his attitude that you need to be the "one finding a job since you are pregnant".nbsp;It hasn't been that long since he has been off work but if he is not making an effort then that is the bigger problem. There is a possibility that they might extend his unemployment benefits but this shouldn't mean that he continues to sit on his ass. If you stay where you are and doing what you are doing, what incentive does he have to work harder to find a job? It doesn't sound as if having one child and another one coming up is motivating him. Maybe an ultimatum would make the difference. Some people though just never get it together and if he is this type of person, you might just be better off on your own.nbsp;Also, I think you should continue to apply to places to work even if they are short term work opportunities. Many women work up until a week or so before the birth. Not that this is pleasant but it sounds like there is no one but you to rely on right now and you will need every penny you can get very shortly.nbsp;And once at the 6 week mark, consider getting an IUD. I had the paragard which is non hormonal and I really liked it. I was never great at taking the pill and don't like hormones so it was great. Certainly there have been instances of people getting pregnant on IUDs but those happen pretty rarely in comparison to the bc pill and other methods of contraceptions. Sorry you are going through this time. I wish you luck.nbsp;

Most of this is about where I'm at. We live in AZ and to answer one of the pp's he applys to places on line and he has to give the application number. But this is only on sundays so he fills them out, coppy paste, wash rinse repeat.

The house we are living at is my FIL's house from when he was a kid. MIL and FIL are paying for everything else, eletric, gas, and insurance. Ect...

I'm going to be getting an IUD after this baby. I can't do hormonal bc because it messes me up emotionally way too much.

I did work when I was pregnant with dd 3 days till I delivered. And it wasn't bad but we also lived in a bigger city then people were more willing to be flexable about things. I think I know where I can get a job I've talked to them a couple times already though... but I don't think me getting a job will motivate him any to get one. But I do need the money.

I know if I moved in with my parents they wouldn't judge me and they would help me as much as they could. But the thing keeping me from doing so is that my sister lives with them... with her two kids. I don't want to ask my parents to do that for me too when they have so much on their plate too. I might be able to ask other family that's out of town only about an hour away but I just don't know.

I wish I had all the right answers but I feel like at this point. I'm damned if I do I'm damned if I don't. So what way will hurt less and be metter for my mm's?

Thank you for all the advice so far please keep all that wonderful advice comming.

spikeinc

I guess at this point, I would just be straight with him and tell him he has a month to show you that he is truly making an effort or you will go to your parents ( I really wouldn't worry about imposing on them- you can eventually move out). That means not just going online and putting in applications once a week but getting out of the house and going on actual interviews in other fields besides the one he is used to working in. The chances of someone actually paying attention to an online application and not just automatically hitting delete is just rare. He should also apply for short term work as well in the meantime. In fact, both of you should apply for holiday work too.

I dated someone years ago when I lived in Australia who refused to get a proper job when his work as a DJ wasn't forthcoming. My (under the table illegal job) wasn't going well for me either as it was off season and so we were getting to the point of having no money for food or rent. He didn't want to get a job that was "beneath him".One day, I went down to all the restaurants within walking distance and talked to everyone I could. I had never waitressed in my life, was actually only on a tourist visa so unable to get a real job and this job was considerably less than what I normally earned but I talked my way into a waitressing job that day and convinced them to pay me cash. If you want something badly enough you can find it. Your H has it better off than I did at that time. That bf never did get another job and eventually I left his ass and flew back to the states because I knew he was a lazy, good for nothing who would never be able to help support a family. 

I hope your H figures it out quickly. 

MelanienMike

In Michigan's job market it is a full time job to search for a full time job. I would give him a reasonable amount of time to find full time work, or else you are going to your parents. You will shortly be able to tell if he is putting in a full time effort or not. It is very difficult to find work when you are pregnant, even more at this stage in the game. I would find some alternatives such as selling items from the household that is no longer needed online, reaching out to family and friends to see if their place of employment may have some very short term jobs. For example, lots of florists are often looking for people to spend a few days making holiday wreaths.

Sending thought and prayers that everything turns around for you and your family.

 

zonagirlie

It seems to me you know the answer. Ultimatums aren't exactly what a married couple should resort to, you knew who he was when you married him. Two kids later though, you have to decide who is more important. Him or your babies? You know the answer, I can tell from your posts. Take care of yourself and if he truly cares, he'll make the necessary changes and do what he needs to do as a man and a father. If he doesn't, there you go. Take care of yourself and your children first.