Anyone else have an unexpected emotional reaction after learning the gender?

Rhea77

I had my A/S on Wednesday and DH was with me. We learned I am expecting twin boys! Although my ideal preference would have been a boy and a girl, I thought I was prepared and equally accepting of any possible outcome. Almost immediately after learning it was two boys, I was overcome with srong unexepected emotions. To the point that I started crying, HARD, right there on the exam table. The ultrasound tech actually asked me if I needed a few minutes alone and I felt embarrassed. DH was totally dazed and confused by my reaction.

 Without going into too much detail about my personal situation, I think two main issues came up in that moment. One was a sense of grief that I will not have a mother-daughter bond with a child. I have a stepdaughter, but we do not get along. She has significant behavioral issues and is extremely challenging to be around. I guess a part of me had been hoping to try again with another girl, to see what it would be like to have a positive experience with a daughter. With four kids between us, we are pretty certain there are no plans for any more in our future.

A second issue that came up is a fear that, as boys, they will become "DH's" kids more than mine. I already struggle with issues with my stepchildren, feeling as though I am responsible for taking care of them but play no real role in influencing their lives or making important parenting decisions. I had been looking forward to having a large role in the twins' lives, but I guess part of me has visions of DH and the boys relegating me to the kitchen while they zone out on XBox for hours on end together (which is what he and my stepson do now). They pretty much take off and do their own thing most of the time, leaving me out of the picture.  DH calls all the shots with his children and, because our bio kids are both boys, I worry he will take them over as HIS more than OURS, and I will feel left out yet again.

At any rate, I think I've processed these emotions/fears for the most part and gotten them out of my system. I'm psyched about having two boys and in a lot of ways I think I am better suited to raise boys than girls anyway (I was a huge tomboy growing up and still get along better with men than women in general anyway). But I was just surprised at my reaction, and of course feeling guilty.

DH didn't help matters any. He made me feel really guilty by telling me it was an "unnatural" response for a woman to have, and that I was "ruining the magic of the moment" for him.

I'm just curious if anyone else had a weird reaction they weren't expecting? It feels kind of taboo to admit that I wasn't immediately overjoyed, but honestly I had to go through some other emotions before the excitement finally took hold. Just curious if anyone sle went through that.

onlymeggan

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  I can tell you that my son loves to play with his daddy but he is MY boy.  Boys love their mom.  Tell your H to get his head out of his arse for the unnatural comment.  Any emotion you have is natural and acceptable.  As far as the boys zoning out and religating you to the kitchen.... only if you let them.  You are the parent; if you don't want them playing video games then turn them off. 

Honestly, with DS1's u/s I said damn when they said boy because I was so sure he was a girl.  This time with DS2 they said boy and I said crap because this time a Dr. told us it was a girl and 4 days later we find out... nope boy.  It's tough to readjust what you have in your head to what your reality is.  I was upset for a day or two.  It didn't help I had several family members that were unable to hide their disappointment that he wasn't a girl.  Now I'm freakin' stoked to have 2 boys.  My house is gonna be crazy but I'm good at being a mom to boys.  This lil man isn't our last so I still have 1 maybe 2 more chances at a girl but if I end up with all boys well then bring on my football team!

Sorry about the troubles with step kids.  It's tough I know.  Best of luck!! 

rm2013

First of all congrats on your AS showing two healthy babies! Second, brace yourself as this seems to be a touchy topic for a lot of people. Third, in my opinion there's just a little bit of time, and often tears, that it takes to process and readjust to the news if it wasn't what you were expecting or hoping for. I personally don't see anything wrong with that, as long as you realize finally that just having a baby is a blessing in itself, no matter what the sex, which it sounds like you have evolved to that point. Best wishes!

SarahRae85

I did. I won't go into many details, because people here get pretty mean about this topic, but I felt the same in a previous circumstance. The feelings are normal. What matters is how you act from here on out. You love the little boys you have and they're going to bond with you. Boys can be such big momma boys, and some of the most affectionate kids in the world. :-) Sure, your boys will have that rough and tumble relationship with your DH, but they're going to love you in their own, super-sweet way. Some of the most affectionate kids I've ever dealt with (in daycare and in kindergarten classroom) were boys and fiercely loyal to mother-like figures, especially ones they bond with at a younger age. In a class I teach now, one of the 8 year old boys would rather go sit by his mom than his dad any day of the week.

KMLilly143

I did not have this happen. But I also knew we'd be having more and the chance of us having a boy the second time around was possible. So I can see where you are coming from. BUT I will say, my sister has a boy and she says there is nothing like a their bond. Not sure if it's because it's her first born or what. But she keeps saying to me "I hope this is a boy for you so you can see what I'm talking about." 

Don't beat yourself up for having those feelings. But please, please talk to you DH and express with him your thoughts and feelings about being left out. There is nothing he can do with the boys that you can't be involved in!  

KMLilly143

And I just totally realized I was lucking from the April 2013 and chimed in! Ooops! 

CougFan

I cried the first time. But I assure you there is NOTHING like the way a boy loves his mom. Mama's boys are the best.

msf11

I was bummed for a few days with first prego because I was so sure I was having a boy and she was a she. Oh let me preface I had previous miscarriages amd that prego was high risk and chromo defects. So yeah there is nothing wrong with your feelings. I promise that no matter what you will have a special bond with your boys and as pp said you choose to chill in the kitchen or play catch in the yard/ build couch cushion forts. No one will ever replace any childs bond with their mom.

oh anf I freaking adore love beyond belief my precious DD and am so happy she was a she. 

shibby00

Your DH was way out of line with his comment, and I think some of your issues stem from feeling left out of your step kids life. It sounds that way from your OP. I know you are going to love those boys more than anything, and they will both love their momma more than anything.

lola0915

I know how you feel. I was just told I'm having triplet girls. While I'm excited about it, I'm also scared. I was a horrible teenager and I just know how much worry comes along with girls.

I'm also sad my husband doesn't have a son in this bunch. I know we will love them but that was my initial feeling... Now we are looking into nursery ideas and getting ready. It's definitely exciting! 

KYmama9286

shibby00:

Your DH was way out of line with his comment, and I think some of your issues stem from feeling left out of your step kids life. It sounds that way from your OP. I know you are going to love those boys more than anything, and they will both love their momma more than anything.

I agree that it sounds like a lot of this stems from the relationships you have with your step kids but I think that relationship (step kids w/ step mom) can be very different (not in all circumstances) than a relationship between a bio mom and her children. I am INCREDIBLY close with my son and he is for sure a mama's boy and prefers me over DH. While he is all boy and loves the rough and tumble stuff with DH he also loves to snuggle and is like a little barnacle on my leg some days haha

As for being relegated to the kitchen- I think this is all about how you decide to raise and parent your children. DH is really close with his mom and adores her and has a great relationship with her even though he is definitely a mans-man. The relationship changed and grew over the years and his close relationship with his mom was part of what attracted me to him- it gave him such a respect and appreciation for women. I think you should just explain to your DH why you had that reaction- he may be completely unaware of how left out you feel with your step kids and maybe this will be a good opportunity to work on bridging some of those gaps and developing a closer relationship with them.  

mary1282

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you had the reaction you did.  I had a similar reaction with my second child.  H and I have three boys.  With our second one, I cried during the u/s like you did.  I wanted a girl SO bad, as I had three brothers growing up, and already had one son.  After the u/s, though, I was ok and ready to start decorating the nursery. 

Like the PP's said, there is absolutely nothing like having the love of boys.  I do as much, if not more with my boys than H does.  I play legos, video games, football, baseball, go to boy scouts, and so on.  I put myself in their lives and it's very rewarding.    When they are sick, they want their mommy!  When they are having a hard day, they want me to make them feel better about themselves.  They love their daddy, too, but I feel the relationship is a bit different. 

I enter into their lives as much as I can, but I also bring them into mine. I let them help me cook, which they LOVE!    Stirring and cracking the eggs can be messy, but messes clean up.  I also let them help me in the garden, or push the laundry to the living room to be folded.  They even like unloading the dish washer!  LoL  My boys are 7, 6, and 3, so they are still young, but they love making me happy and getting the praise they deserve. 

They're so SQUEEZABLE!  LoL

As for your H, I'm sorry.  That would have really upset me, too.  Mine has never talked to me like that (probably because he knows I'll knock him on the head!  LoL).  He needs to understand that pregnancy wrecks havoc on your emotions.  I've never been pregnant with twins, but I can imagine your hormones are doubled?  He will also need to understand that those babies are your's AND his!  The decisions will need to be made as a team, which it sounds like he is not used to doing? 

I hope I have given you some hope, and positive insight.  Oh, and congrats on your healthy boys! 

markhamgurl

skyllingstadl:

DH is really close with his mom and adores her and has a great relationship with her even though he is definitely a mans-man. The relationship changed and grew over the years and his close relationship with his mom was part of what attracted me to him- it gave him such a respect and appreciation for women.

This describes my DH, too.  He's your typical guy, but he has a very good relationship with - and a lot of respect for - his mom, and they chat (either phone, text, or gmail) almost daily.  That fact still weirds me out just a little (even my mom and I aren't that chatty!), but I attribute it to why he's such a great husband and person ... and it just goes to show that your relationship with your twin boys will be what you make of it.

Congrats on your twins!

jinnymb

mary1282:

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you had the reaction you did.  I had a similar reaction with my second child.  H and I have three boys.  With our second one, I cried during the u/s like you did.  I wanted a girl SO bad, as I had three brothers growing up, and already had one son.  After the u/s, though, I was ok and ready to start decorating the nursery. 

Like the PP's said, there is absolutely nothing like having the love of boys.  I do as much, if not more with my boys than H does.  I play legos, video games, football, baseball, go to boy scouts, and so on.  I put myself in their lives and it's very rewarding.    When they are sick, they want their mommy!  When they are having a hard day, they want me to make them feel better about themselves.  They love their daddy, too, but I feel the relationship is a bit different. 

I enter into their lives as much as I can, but I also bring them into mine. I let them help me cook, which they LOVE!    Stirring and cracking the eggs can be messy, but messes clean up.  I also let them help me in the garden, or push the laundry to the living room to be folded.  They even like unloading the dish washer!  LoL  My boys are 7, 6, and 3, so they are still young, but they love making me happy and getting the praise they deserve. 

They're so SQUEEZABLE!  LoL

As for your H, I'm sorry.  That would have really upset me, too.  Mine has never talked to me like that (probably because he knows I'll knock him on the head!  LoL).  He needs to understand that pregnancy wrecks havoc on your emotions.  I've never been pregnant with twins, but I can imagine your hormones are doubled?  He will also need to understand that those babies are your's AND his!  The decisions will need to be made as a team, which it sounds like he is not used to doing? 

I hope I have given you some hope, and positive insight.  Oh, and congrats on your healthy boys! 

I agree with all of this!! After having two little men and def wanting a daughter at some point I can't imagine life without them.  I have learned so much from them and I love doing the boy stuff with them.  They love to help me cook, clean, garden, even put on make up (don't tell DH lol)  I was also concerned how I would bond with only boys since I grew up with a sister and didn't know much about them.  But all my friends with boys have turned into weird boy mom's and you will too : )

oliversmom03

My daughter was born with a coarc of her aorta and her heart is bigger on one side. I didn't care what the gender was of my baby, I just wished that it wasn't happening. I got to hold her for 4 minutes and she rushed to children's hospital. From that moment on, gender never mattered to me.

mamaejb

As soon as I saw the view on the ultrasound, and the tech confirmed it was a girl, I totally got teary eyed.  I needed a couple tissues at the end to wipe them all away. :-)

 Your baby boys will love you and adore very much.  They will be protective of you.  My brother is so sweet with my mom, he's always been very attentive to her.  Now that he's on his own, he still calls her a couple times a week to check-in with her.

mrsmcdonald

Your DH doesn't sound very nice, honestly. Between his "ruining the moment" comment and how he treats your role as stepmother by leaving you "out of the picture" doesn't seem quite fair to you and gives a really bad message to your stepchildren. Step parents have a huge role in the lives of their stepchildren, and I think your husband is out of line. You should absolutely have a say in the parenting, if they spend time in your home. I think you and he need to come to some type of agreement on how you're going to be involved moving forward - even if the stepchildren only spend a limited amount of time in your home. How is it going to work with two different sets of parenting expectations as your twins grow up? The stepchildren don't have to listen to or be disciplined by you, but your boys do? That it's okay for you to be relegated to the kitchen?

Perhaps some couples or family therapy (with the stepchildren) might be helpful, especially before your twins come, so you can set some boundaries for yourself and develop better relationships with the kids. It sounds like your stepdaughter is still young - there's plenty of time/opportunity to improve that relationship, but it will take time and effort by you, your DH and her.

As far as your relationship with your boys, it's going to be up to you how it develops, but it seems you will need to work on your DH's expectations of what a mother's role is - shutting you out is not okay, like he's doing with his kids. How does he expect you to have a good relationship with them if he doesn't involve you at all?

ann_jeremiah

At this point DS' favorite purple are 1. Mommy, 2. Grandma MIL, 3. Daddy.