Mental Health

ct7878

s I am posting this message because I am overwhelmed and just don't know what to do...I am hoping to get so unbiased insight and experiences if anyone has them. My husband had a breakdown and attempted suicide this week.   He bought a cruise ticket, went on the cruise and OD on pills. The ship found him medevaced him back to the US. He is still in critical condition and on a respirator. However, he is starting to come around and it appears he may make it.  Given that there has been a lot of international travel and to get him to the US, I have not yet told his sons 13 and 7.  We have the children everyone weekend and have a very contentious relationship with their mother.  I don't know what to do...I feel like that the children should know that there father is in serious condition, but if he pulls through I do believe there mother will use this against him and attempt to take away visitation. Clearly my husband has some mental health issues and will need some extensive inpatient theraphy (not sure how I am going to explain this time away), and given all that has gone on I would not leave the children alone in his care without me being present until he was much more medically stable.  However, he adores his boys (a believe our current custody battle led him to the suicide...feeling the boys would not have to be stuck in the middle) and I fear that if he loses his weekly visitation he will any motivation he has to pull through this and work through his issues. I also worry about adding this stress on the boys, especially the 13 year who is already seeing s psychologist.

Any thoughts...tell the kids the truth, tell them a version of the version (he is sick or accidentally took to many meds and they interacted) or hold off for the time being. I have already shared that we have had a family emergency and we would not be able to get the boys this week. I am exhausted, scared and mentally drained right given all that has gone on this week. I just want to make sure that any decision I make will not hurt him in the long run. After almost losing my husband this week, I want to make sure that I can do all that I can to not lose the boys and our family! 

xmaryrickx

I think they need to know an age appropriate truth sooner rather than later. There should be a social worker in the hospital who can help with this. Please reach out to them today to tell them what is going on and ask them for guidance. That is what they at there for. Are your kids close to any of your/your h's relatives? Aunts/uncles/grandparents? It maybe best to ask them for help in telling bm and the kids what is going on. But the kids have a right to know and they need to know so they can start healing too. It's not best to keep this is secret, they will find out.

I hope your husband makes a full recovery and finds a path to healing mentally as well. Please make sure that YOU have a strong support system in place. I am so sorry that you are going through this and your family will be in my thoughts. Be kind to yourself and take care.

fellesferie

I'm really and truly sorry that you're going through this. To be completely honest with you, I'm not sure that the boys need to know anything beyond that their dad isn't feeling well. I can't think of anything they gain by knowing. Trying to put myself in a child's shoes, I would not want to know if my parent attempted suicide.

But--and I know you didn't ask this--I feel their mom needs to know. For two main reasons:

One, if your husband is suicidal and depressed, it's going to affect his kids. His ex needs to be aware of it so that she can deal with it in her home. The boys might need some therapy or just someone to talk to. And if their mom doesn't know, she can't be there for them. I understand why you don't want to tell her, but this is a safety issue (mental safety as well as physical safety) for the children.

Two, if you hide it from her and she finds out, I think your husband stands a higher chance of losing time with his children.

Again, I'm really sorry. We're dealing with something similar in my husband's family, and it's so hard to know what to do.

lookame3639

I think the kids only need to be aware of dad isn't feeling good and needs to be in the hospital.

BM needs ro know dad is depresses and suicidal. She needs to have tools on her end to help heal the kids and I know your worried about losing visitation but the question if safety needs to come into play, especially if the kids are left alone with dad...even for a minute. There are ways to prove to the court that dad isn't a huge risk such as intensive therapy but even so the court may rule yo have supervised visits until dad is pulling through.

Right now is a very fragile time for everyone, I hope your husband pulls through and gets on a path to recovery!

Ginger516

I believe you should speak to a mental health professional. This is too important for you not to get it right. Perhaps you can speak to the sons psychologist.

Holly_1007

hugs. please make sure you take care of yourself.

the boys need to know that dad is sick and in the hospital.  unfortunately I think BM deserves to know the truth.  as nervous as you are that he will lose motivation/ visitation, she needs to know.  it might mean a longer custody battle but your husbands mental health is not in a good place.  put yourself in the other situation: if BM attempted suicide and her SO hid it from you and you found out later... that would look WAY worse..

AmeliaKris

Just wanted to say mental health issues are so difficult and isolating. My heart goes out to you and ur family. You may want to consider telling the boys the truth. Your dh may confide in them if he falls back in a dark place. They need to know what to do. My dad told me at 15 he wanted to kill himself. Its an awful place to be and if it happens they need to know they should come to you or bm with that info right away. Thoughts and prayers to you.

J&A2008

Ginger516:

I believe you should speak to a mental health professional. This is too important for you not to get it right. Perhaps you can speak to the sons psychologist.

This, except I recommend you find one for yourself.  This is going to be a tremendous burden on you, and you will need support.  You need someone on your side who can listen and give advice and who you can be completely open and honest with. 

You sound very clear headed on how this may impact your husband's custody battle.  You  need to talk with someone on how to proceed.  There is an element of risk to you, DH, and his sons, and you need a professional to help you navigate how to handle all the decisions that need to be made on who to tell and how much.

I wish you all the best through this situation.  God bless your heart for all you are doing for him and your family.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Please keep posting here.  I hope you get all the support you need.

twister22

First, I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine the amount of stress and anxiety you must be dealing with. Please take some time for yourself and relax, you surely deserve it.

I would not tell the boys, as statistically, children of parents who commit suicide/attempt to commit suicide are more likely to do so themselves. (I worked with a lady whose husband committed suicide when their kids were very young. They grew up believing he died of a heart attack, and then were told the truth when they were able to handle it. All three kids started counseling after learning the truth, and one of them dealt with depression. All three therapists said they were glad the mother waited to tell them, because they were able to get over things much easier and were able to have a happy childhood.)

As a PP mentioned, this is too serious of an issue not to get right. Speak with your husband's doctors, therapists, etc. and find out what the best approach is in dealing with the boys.

I do agree that BM would likely try to restrict visitation. Honestly, if the BD in my situation attempted suicide, I would want his visitation supervised until he was fully healed.

You, your DH, and SS's are in my T&P's. I hope your DH makes a full recovery, and that you stay strong! 

J&A2008

I just wanted to add - if you don't already have a lawyer for the custody battle or you don't have a lawyer you like or trust, now is the time to find one. 

Let the lawyer navigate communication with BM.

Nineoceans

I wouldn't tell the kids or Bm. Let dh decide if and when he wants to do that when he pulls through.

In the mean time you can tell them he is sick and in the hospital and just forfeit the time for now.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Take care of yourself