Single Parents

How did this ever happen... F'd up.

Trying to make a long story short... A couple of weeks ago I was having a few glasses of wine at the house with my BFF. I cooked dinner and we ate with my 20 mo old son. Husband comes home and we all continue to have a few more glasses of wine. She decides she's drank too much and will just stay over (which has happened a lot, she lives 1 hr away). Hubby comes inside from the garage and as he walks up to the dining room table, she stands up and shatters a full glass of wine on his face. She then continues to scream at him and he calls her crazy, tells her to get out of the house, etc.

I break down crying, try to split them up, can't get them to quiet down so they don't wake my son up. I decide to go outside and sit on the sidewalk. A few minutes pass by, BFF comes out and sits down beside me. She says there is something she needs to tell me and that she should have told me a long time ago. She slept with my husband 2 1/2 weeks ago! She tries to hug me, tries to keep talking, but I want nothing to do with her. I walk away and go sit on the other side of the house and have a complete melt down.

 I'm guessing 10-15 minutes pass and then I decide to go in the house. I enter through the back door and find her in the house helping my husband clean up the broken glass and wine. In shock, I just stand there until they see me. My husband looks at me and I ask him to hand me my phone. He does and I head out the back door. In the backyard, I hear BFF scream, "SHE'S GOING TO CALL JUSTIN!' (her husband) and the front door slams as she leaves.  So I call Justin... After a short conversation, I go back inside and my husband (who has no idea the two conversations I just had) asks me "What the f*** was that all about?!" I tell him, and he flips out.

 I hide myself in our bedroom and husband calls BFF. He then returns, madder than before, and informs me that she told him he raped her and that she is calling the cops. (I know that he is not a person who would rape her so this isn't even an option.) I refuse to talk to him anymore and he sleeps in the living room.

The next 2 days I refuse to answer my now ex-BFFs phone calls and my husband admits to "*** around" with her but says they never had intercourse. He says it was 1 1/2 years ago and right after our son was born. I then get an email from her with a long made up explanation of how they only kissed 1 1/2 years ago and that, although she was too drunk to remember, she KNOWS they didn't actually have sex.

 So I am now living with my husband and we have decided that we will get a divorce. I have been a SAHM, he has drained our bank account and I am selling anything I can to have cash for gas, groceries, etc. He is paying the rent and the bills but I have no income and am having a hard time getting a job. I can't get assistance until I am living somewhere else, but there is a 2-3 YEAR waiting list for the housing authority. Between my meltdowns, cherishing every last moment I have staying home with my son, fighting with my soon to be ex, no longer having a BFF to confide in, trying not to drown my sorrows in wine, and not having any family that lives near by... I just want to run away. Seriously, just start driving and never look back. 

Thank you for letting me vent... How did this ever happen...

Re: How did this ever happen... F'd up.

  • Hi I'm a lurker on here because of problems I'm going through but I just want to tell you to be strong and you are loved. I know you can't see it now my we can't sail to happiness without a few storms in our way.

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  • I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! Geez what a d*ck!

    My only advice would be to start divorce proceedings as soon as you could gather the money up. In my state (OHIO), as soon as you file you are entitled to CS, a temporary order to halt your finances and I think even an order to have your place of dwelling without him in it. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me!

    Best of luck.

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  • OK, I say this as someone who's totally been there: Are you sure you don't want to try to work this marriage out? Counseling...getting at the root of why he decided to screw around on you, etc.

    NOTHING excuses his behavior. But divorce with kids is HUGE and sh*tty and sucky and forever. Divorce may very well be the right choice. I'm not saying stay together for the kids. I'm not staying together for my kids (I wish, but alas, I can't live with their dad anymore...).

    But maybe trying all options first would be best.

  • imageldoo:

    OK, I say this as someone who's totally been there: Are you sure you don't want to try to work this marriage out? Counseling...getting at the root of why he decided to screw around on you, etc.

    NOTHING excuses his behavior. But divorce with kids is HUGE and sh*tty and sucky and forever. Divorce may very well be the right choice. I'm not saying stay together for the kids. I'm not staying together for my kids (I wish, but alas, I can't live with their dad anymore...).

    But maybe trying all options first would be best.

    Well worded reply! 

    I divorced (without kids) and it took us 2 years to make agreements on money, etc. It is really mess, but it isn't a reason to NOT do it if it is the right thing to do, just like the PP said. 

    I went through marriage counseling once and it helped me to decide I didn't want to be with him anymore. Some people go and it helps them to repair their relationship. You don't ever have to forget what he's done, but you would have to be willing to forgive.

    Don't drown your sorrows with wine - that is a slippery slope. Find something more positive to focus your energy on.

    When applying for jobs, explain your lack of recent employment is due to being a SAHM in your cover letter, and give positive reasons why you want to re-enter the workforce. It can be done.

    Good luck. 

  • Thank you ladies. I am just in a really bad place right now and any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated...

    I've suggested counseling over the last year and have even considering going by myself. He has no interest in 'working' on our relationship. Even when we were together, I was the only one who ever put any effort in. I know that things will be ok - one day. I've always been strong and confident so hitting rock botton is really a shock for me. I'm looking into counseling today or even trying to find a support group for single parents.

    For now though, things are hard. Really hard. I'm just struggling to get by. Thank you again for the kind words. I really need them right now.

  • The fact that he isn't coming completely clean and owning up to his cheating tells me that he isn't in a place to work anything out.  They can't even get their story straight (him & exBFF).  I bet there was more going on than they are admitting to.  If it were me I would absolutely be getting divorced.  He needs to feel remorseful and admit wrongdoing for the healing process to work, and it doesn't sound like that is happening.

    Good luck to you.  I'm sure you will make a plan.  Hopefully you have a supportive family willing to help financially or otherwise.

     

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