Feeling "pressured" to do an overnight

DisneyFan33

Ok my SIL is great, don't get me wrong, she has 4 girls and is very experienced.

However, the first WEEK we brought our LO home, she has wanted to take her overnight--seriously. Like a week after we brought her home, she came to visit and asked if she could have her. She loves babies, ok, I get it. But I am a first time mom and was nowhere near ready then.

Again, Labor Day weekend she asked to take her (LO is about 4 weeks old at this point). Still not ready, although my husband had no problem with it. He and I had a little blow up but still do not let her take her.

Now next weekend we have a Halloween party to go to. And since she has been dying to baby sit we asked her--we asked her to babysit, mind you. I never said overnight. She assumed we were leaving her overnight and when I said no, she keeps asking are you sure, are you sure? I keep saying no. Now, she is using the guilt card and told me she told her kids that our baby would be staying there overnight that night, and now they'll be disappointed!! I am livid. I never once said overnight.

to top it off every time she comes over she asks to take her (EVERY TIME), then if she has her kids with her, she tells them "They won't let me take her."!!  It makes me look like a witch! Then the kids ask me if she can go home with them and when I say no they ask "why not"! She's my daughter, she's not a toy. But it puts me in a lousy position.

This makes me so angry and upset. It makes me look like a "B".I know she is capable and i trust her but it is way too soon! I won't even leave her with my mother overnight yet. LO is our first and I am just still uncomfortable with it. She is only 11 weeks old.

Am I being unreasonable or overreacting?

Thoughts? 

MrsLettie

Sorry, but that is ridiculous. With DS I didn't leave him until he was after 2. Don't let her pressure you. Tell her to back off and when/if you are ready you will let her know.

DisneyFan33

MrsLettie:

Sorry, but that is ridiculous. With DS I didn't leave him until he was after 2. Don't let her pressure you. Tell her to back off and when/if you are ready you will let her know.

Thanks for the reassurance. She said she knows we aren't ready--then played the guilt card about her kids being disappointed!  

It made me so mad! DH says "ignore it". But still it makes me p.o.'ed and it's unfair.

I am not going to be bullied into giving my baby up for a night, and I told DH that.

 

kjskjs

My daughter will be a 11 weeks Sunday and I can totally understand where you're coming from. I have considered doing an overnight when my mom could stay at our house with Charlotte but I've only thrown the idea around a little and each time I've decided I'm not ready for that. I really wouldn't be ok with it if someone kept asking and asking and making me look like a B. to everyone. I would tell your SIL that you appreciate the offers but that you will let her know when you are ready for her to take her overnight and until then please stop asking and telling your nieces that she will be staying. Then if your nieces ask why not explain to them that you never said they could take her and that you're not ready to be away from her because she is very little.

msm261

I'd let the homeless dude at the bus stop down the block watch my kids for a free overnight with DH. 

In all seriousness, I realize DD is your first, but I would take a trusted family member up on watching my kids if I had a fun event to go to.  I would love to go out and have fun without worrying about being up throughout the night with DS2 and up at 7 with DS1.  Do you have any upcoming weddings/events when DD is a little older?  I'd let SIL know that in a few months you have xyz event to go to and would love for her to watch her overnight then.  Give her something to look forward to and get her off your back now.

DisneyFan33

msm261:

I'd let the homeless dude at the bus stop down the block watch my kids for a free overnight with DH. 

In all seriousness, I realize DD is your first, but I would take a trusted family member up on watching my kids if I had a fun event to go to.  I would love to go out and have fun without worrying about being up throughout the night with DS2 and up at 7 with DS1.  Do you have any upcoming weddings/events when DD is a little older?  I'd let SIL know that in a few months you have xyz event to go to and would love for her to watch her overnight then.  Give her something to look forward to and get her off your back now.

thanks. I have told her that there will be plenty of overnights eventually. I would think that would appease her but she is so pushy. She is not used to people saying no to her and she seems to think I am a pushover or something.

i just don't like being guilt tripped.  It makes me not even want to ask her to babysit in the future and I told my husband that.  My mother would babysit in a heartbeat and not care about LO not staying overnight. And I told DH if this continues I will make alternate arrangements.

I see what you are saying though and i have told her exactly what you said ( we have 3 weddings to go to next year) But DD is our first and maybe I am a little overprotective but if I am uncomfortable with something then my wishes shouldn't be questioned. 

BillyMollyEmmy

Oh frig, my MIL does the same thing. Except she says it indirectly. Example: She will ask the baby (who is seven weeks old) "Do you want to come to Grandma's house for the night???" And she'll say it over and over while I'm sitting there just waiting for me to say "okay!" ... except I don't. HA. I'm not going to for a while. It's not happening. It's your baby, don't feel guilty or bad for wanting to be a good mom.

DisneyFan33

BillyMollyEmmy:

Oh frig, my MIL does the same thing. Except she says it indirectly. Example: She will ask the baby (who is seven weeks old) "Do you want to come to Grandma's house for the night???" And she'll say it over and over while I'm sitting there just waiting for me to say "okay!" ... except I don't. HA. I'm not going to for a while. It's not happening. It's your baby, don't feel guilty or bad for wanting to be a good mom.

lol thanks! Nice to know you are dealing with the same kind of "harassment" lol 

aylafsu88

It sounds like your SIL is crazy.  She should know that baby that young should not be away from their mother overnight. You are doing the right thing by telling her no!  It seems like she thinks your LO is a toy and not a real baby who needs to be with her mom. Be strong and keep telling her no.  Maybe you should also mention something like "I dont think I will be able to let LO stay anywhere overnight till she is X months old."  This way she might get the hint to stop asking you to keep her overnight.

DisneyFan33

What gets me even angrier is Labor Day weekend DH didn't support me which I think sucks. So we got into a fight over it. He didn't see "what the big deal is"

I know he still is fine with her taking LO but bc he sees how upset it makes me ejust says "ignore it" to avoid arguing with me. He should say something to her besides what I have. He should be a little more supportive. 

rnbeth477

aylafsu88:

It sounds like your SIL is crazy.nbsp; She should know that baby that young should not be away from their mother overnight. You are doing the right thing by telling her no!nbsp; It seems like she thinks your LO is a toy and not a real baby who needs to be with her mom. Be strong and keep telling her no.nbsp; Maybe you should also mention something like "I dont think I will be able to let LO stay anywhere overnight till she is X months old."nbsp; This way she might get the hint to stop asking you to keep her overnight.

I agree with this suggestion. We didn't leave DS for the entire night until he was 13 months and then it was with my parents. I would never leave a baby under 12 months without the mother or father! That's crazy! I would not feel comfortable with that at all!

DisneyFan33

aylafsu88:

It sounds like your SIL is crazy.  She should know that baby that young should not be away from their mother overnight. You are doing the right thing by telling her no!  It seems like she thinks your LO is a toy and not a real baby who needs to be with her mom. Be strong and keep telling her no.  Maybe you should also mention something like "I dont think I will be able to let LO stay anywhere overnight till she is X months old."  This way she might get the hint to stop asking you to keep her overnight.

Thanks, that's a good idea. I will mention that.

i just shouldn't even have to do that, you know? And then her saying, "Oh, I understand that it is too soon for you" but then turning around and making that comment about her kids disappointment is just over the line.

Like I said in prior posts, in the near future I am not going to ask her to babysit anymore. If she asks why or doesn't "get it" I will tell her exactly why, even though I already have and it doesn't seem to sink in. Then maybe it will.

DisneyFan33

rnbeth477:

aylafsu88:

It sounds like your SIL is crazy.nbsp; She should know that baby that young should not be away from their mother overnight. You are doing the right thing by telling her no!nbsp; It seems like she thinks your LO is a toy and not a real baby who needs to be with her mom. Be strong and keep telling her no.nbsp; Maybe you should also mention something like "I dont think I will be able to let LO stay anywhere overnight till she is X months old."nbsp; This way she might get the hint to stop asking you to keep her overnight.

I agree with this suggestion. We didn't leave DS for the entire night until he was 13 months and then it was with my parents. I would never leave a baby under 12 months without the mother or father! That's crazy! I would not feel comfortable with that at all!

 

thank you! Glad to know I'm not the crazy one. 

katieh1017

My IL and my SIL bring it up everytime I see them. FIL jokes as we walk in and he takes her, "ok, thanks Katie we will see you tomorrow night when you come pick up Lillian, haha, right Katie?". Yea, haha is right. Everytime they say it I make a mental note to add another month to whenever I do feel ok with leaving her over night. Although they joke, they are DYING for us to leave her with them.

Edit - And they have babysat her. It's not that I don't trust them it's that I am not ready to have her sleep over anywhere without me. If an event comes up I will consider it but as of right now the answer is no.

DisneyFan33

katieh1017:

My IL and my SIL bring it up everytime I see them. FIL jokes as we walk in and he takes her, "ok, thanks Katie we will see you tomorrow night when you come pick up Lillian, haha, right Katie?". Yea, haha is right. Everytime they say it I make a mental note to add another month to whenever I do feel ok with leaving her over night. Although they joke, they are DYING for us to leave her with them.

Edit - And they have babysat her. It's not that I don't trust them it's that I am not ready to have her sleep over anywhere without me. If an event comes up I will consider it but as of right now the answer is no.

Amen! I feel the same way. It's our decision, not hers. And next time I need a baby sitter I will just ask someone else and when DH or SIL asks why, I will tell them the exact reason. SIL may get mad at me bc I asked someone else (I don't care!) but in the end DH will  have to listen to her, and not me! Lol 

I just don't get her whole "I want her overnight" obsession. If she understands and respects that I'm not ready, then stop trying to guilt me. That is just wrong. 

mimi_8607

My MIL did this as soon as we had DS. He was only a few weeks old and she kept wanting to keep him. We had him the August 29 and my birthday was Sept.7 and she kept useing that as an excuse. She kept saying you guys need to go out for your birthday. We kept saying thanks but no thanks. Well being nice just doesn't do it with her. Dh had to just flat out say lay off. When we are ready we will let you know. Well a couple days later his Gpa passed away and we ended up having to leave him 3 days in 1 week for a couple hour each day. If I could I would have taken him with me. But it wasn't the place for a little one. But since then she has been better with it she will offer once and then let it go.

So don't back down. Its not right for her to be like that. Sometime you just have to be blunt. You have to be comfortable. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to leave LO over night this little.

DisneyFan33

MelRC117:

I feel like I'm a bad parent...I've had LO stay at my mom and dad's four times overnight and he's 12 weeks old.  It was kinda amazing getting a full night's sleep.

SIL seriously needs to knock it off and not guilt you into it or get her kids involved.  And, don't take this the wrong way, but why would someone want a newborn overnight?  I mean at 2 months old we would have our good nights and our bad nights where he'd be up for the day at 3am.  Especially the 4 girls...you're right your child is not a doll or a toy.  I'm sure the novelty would wear off very quick for them. 

No, you're not a bad parent. I'm not judging! Lol

I understand if someone is fine with it. And believe me, I wish I was! A full night's sleep would be wonderful. But I know I would not get any sleep anyway if my  baby was over someone else's house for the night. So it wouldn't even serve that purpose!

She says she loves babies, loves this age, blah blah blah. But if she was a new mom I would think she wouldn't want someone pushing her to give up her LO so soon. She can see her anytime she wants, it's not like I keep her from seeing her. I would think being a mother to 4 that when she says she understands my uneasiness, she would mean it. And she doesn't and throws the kids in just to make me feel bad.

It's ok. I learned my lesson. Next time we need a babysitter, I will not be asking her. 

DisneyFan33

MelRC117:

I feel like I'm a bad parent...I've had LO stay at my mom and dad's four times overnight and he's 12 weeks old.  It was kinda amazing getting a full night's sleep.

SIL seriously needs to knock it off and not guilt you into it or get her kids involved.  And, don't take this the wrong way, but why would someone want a newborn overnight?  I mean at 2 months old we would have our good nights and our bad nights where he'd be up for the day at 3am.  Especially the 4 girls...you're right your child is not a doll or a toy.  I'm sure the novelty would wear off very quick for them. 

No, you're not a bad parent. I'm not judging! Lol

I understand if someone is fine with it. And believe me, I wish I was! A full night's sleep would be wonderful. But I know I would not get any sleep anyway if my  baby was over someone else's house for the night. So it wouldn't even serve that purpose!

She says she loves babies, loves this age, blah blah blah. But if she was a new mom I would think she wouldn't want someone pushing her to give up her LO so soon. She can see her anytime she wants, it's not like I keep her from seeing her. I would think being a mother to 4 that when she says she understands my uneasiness, she would mean it. And she doesn't and throws the kids in just to make me feel bad.

It's ok. I learned my lesson. Next time we need a babysitter, I will not be asking her. 

DisneyFan33

kettbride:

My son was in the NICU for about two months and my MIL was all up in my biz about wanting to see him all the time. My husband was away for work the second month and as soon as I came home it seemed like every other day I heard from her 'if you want to leave for a while I can watch the baby' and the first hour I was home I asked her to hold him when I ran upstairs for something and I came back down and I asked her for MY son back and she responded that she was okay for a while. Seriously. Your kid. Your rules. I know it can cause an issue with your spouse but I think guys are more okay with it than you are. But in the end, do what YOU want. They have their own kids. This is yours. 

thanks! All you guys are empowering me!

i know sometimes with others the pushiness comes from a good place but if someone says no, it should be no and leave it at that. Especially if you have said several times you are not ready. 

stever

Your SIL sounds like a loon.

DisneyFan33

LalaMama81:

Oh my gosh, I'm angry for you! Your SIL is crazy. She of all people, having 4 kids, should know that most mothers are not ready to send their newborns off for sleep overs. You are not overprotective, you are doing your job. 

I didn't leave DD overnight w/ anyone until she was 2.5. I could see doing it a little earlier w/ DD2 but still not before 18 months or so. We breastfeed, so that's a big part of it - but honestly - it's my baby. I want to be there. I want to take care of them. And, they need me. You can't tell me a newborn or any child doesn't prefer their Mom to their Aunt.

I would probably get serious the next time she mentioned it, something like, "My daughter is not a stuffed toy that you can cart over for a sleepover. She is my child and I will let you know when we are ready for it. Please do not ask again."  Don't start in all, "You know it's not you or I trust you but..." just lay it out there. She obviously hasn't gotten the hint yet.

As for your husband, you guys need to have a serious talk about this when it isn't up for question. If my husband got mad b/c I didn't want to leave my 4 week old for a sleep over, I'd be pretty pissed. 

Thanks. Trying to be polite gets you nowhere apparently. she can baby sit her this time, but like I said, I'm not asking her anymore. She blew it. If In the future DH or SIL asks why I don't ask her to babysit anymore, then I will tell them it is  because of this and past incidents. I don't need to justify why i don't want my newborn baby to be away from me overnight. I don't care about stepping on toes or anything anymore. 

 

And thank you everyone else for our input as well. It's nice to know I am not the crazy one here! 

PercyMama

I agree with pp in terms of why does she so badly want a newborn overnight?i think it is odd and would not do it. I would allow my parents, but an SIL or evenown sister this obsessed with the idea is just a bit weird.

Blackrose1918

MrsLettie:

Sorry, but that is ridiculous. Don't let her pressure you. Tell her to back off and when/if you are ready you will let her know.

This exactly.

melody921

I never understand when relatives apply pressure this young. Who even wants a baby overnight, when it means they have to get up multiple times for feedings, soothing and whatever else bothers LO. No way would I leave DD overnight that young. DS stayed overnight at a grandparent's house for the first time at nearly 10 months, and even that made me a little apprehensive at first.

Morkie4ever

Thank you ladies!!! No- I think u are completely right! My dh. & I have been arguing about this. Lo is one month today and everyone but my parents is acting like I'm ridiculous bc I don't want to leave lo overnight next weekend to go to a Halloween party.

im so happy I'm not the only one!  

DisneyFan33

Morkie4ever:

Thank you ladies!!! No- I think u are completely right! My dh. & I have been arguing about this. Lo is one month today and everyone but my parents is acting like I'm ridiculous bc I don't want to leave lo overnight next weekend to go to a Halloween party.

im so happy I'm not the only one!  

See? We are in the same boat.

I am so glad all of you made me feel like I am the only sane one here. It's not ridiculous to, at this age, not want your baby to stay overnight at anyone's house. My SIL keeps saying, "You're going to pick her up THAT late?" like I am crazy or something for wanting to take my newborn daughter home. Mind you, it will be around 11:00--it's not like we are going to be strolling in at 3 am to pick her up! She apparently wants to make me feel like it is ludicrous to pick MY child up and to want her to sleep at MY home.

Next time we need a sitter, I am automatically going to ask my mother and if DH says anything about his sister can baby sit, I will tell him the pressure she puts on me is unfair and makes me uncomfortable.

 

teacherjulie

I am lurking....but my child will be 3 in December and I have not left her overnight except with my husband.  When she is older she can have sleepovers all she wants.