OT: Rant...

MyBeanieBaby

Reading another post on here about Pregnant women smoking, sparked my emotions. 

Just need to take this off of my chest.

I want to forgive my mother so badly... but I just can't seem to do it. I live in complete anger with her... I don't want to, but can't seem to help it.

Forgiveness is harder than it looks.

Why am I so angry at her??

She smoked when she was pregnant with both my brother and I.

We were born with very low birth weights. I was 3 lbs 15 oz. I was forced out by an emergency C-section a month early because my mother couldn't stop smoking and the amniotic fluid around me was disappearing or at least that's what the doctors told her.

It's not soo much as to what she did that makes me so angry... it's the fact that she isn't the least bit sorry for it, and every stranger we meet, she feels the need to brag about how small we were. When I know the reason why.

And I remember when I was younger, like 13, I had asked my mom if smoking one more ciggarette meant it would kill me, would she do it, and she said probably.

I've tried talking to her about how I feel so I can get rid of this hate/anger but it goes no where. It turns into a fight.

How do I forgive my mother... or is it something I'm just going to have to accept and get over..? Even though I feel it isn't possible. Especially when she is constantly bringing it up in a brag..

I hope this doesn't come across as juvenile and immature... it's just really bothering me and it is an honest personal issue .

Especially since we can never hang out or ride in the car together because she can't go more than 15 minutes without a ciggarette, and I don't want my children around ciggarettes either.

She didn't want to come to the birth of my children because you can't smoke in the hospital. Needless to say I stayed in the hospital 3 days alone for both of my childrens births because OH was deployed both times and my mom not wanting to be in a place she can't smoke in.