Breakdown?

drunkindonuts

I haven't been around the boards at all lately, but I think it would help me to get a few things off my chest and sort out my feelings by writing about it.  Lately I've been a complete and total basket-case.  The past week or so I cry daily, sometimes more than once daily.  My husband and I are bickering more than ever.  He's a very anxious person and feels the need to try to control situations or become paranoid/obsessive about making sure our daughter is safe.  Those are his words not mine, and he refuses to make changes.  He's constantly at me telling me how to parent (he calls this offering suggestions).  Either I'm holding her wrong, feeding her wrong, the pacifier is blocking her nose and I'm making it so she can't breathe, etc.  These comments and suggestions occur at least 10-15 times a day and have significantly impacted me.  Our daughter has been a very colicy baby from the beginning and deep down I know I'm a great mom, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think I'm not.  Caroline never took to breastfeeding, so I've continued to pump and I have to set her down for those 15-20 minute sessions and sometimes she screams the ENTIRE time.  It's hard not to question your parenting in situations like these, and then my husband is constantly at me making me feel like less of a mom.

I'm also taking it especially hard that my extended medical leave is coming to an end.  I'm heading back to work November 6th, and even though it's only part-time, I'm having a really hard time with it.  I've never left my daughter's side (only when in the NICU for food and short sleep periods).  I've also been having really horrifying, vivid memories of the NICU recently.  One in particular that I remember like it was yesterday was a visit my husband and I had with Caroline.  I was standing at the isolette and had one hand on Caroline's head and one hand on her feet.  My sweet girl stopped breathing right there in front of me as I watched the color dissipate from her skin, her lips become cyanotic, and her body become lifeless.  There were no nurses or doctors nearby, and I stood in complete shock.  I didn't know what to do aside from rubbing her to try and stimulate her (I'm a nurse for crying out loud), all I kept saying to my husband was "get the nurse" over and over again.  He said she was fine, that the monitor was still on.  It was, but her oxygenation was only 11%.  I partially feel like this has a great deal to do with me feeling like a horrible mother, and my lack of confidence.  I also think these recent vivid memories relate to me going back to work.  Driving by the Medical Center and going in to the medical center gives me horrible anxiety (I work at the hospital that Caroline was a patient at). 

At this point I don't know what to do to make things better or easier.  I hope this hard time passes soon.  I've talked to my husband and asked him to stop offering so many "suggestions" and to be more sensitive, but it hasn't helped yet.  I don't expect anyone to read this, as it is extremely long, but I do sincerely respect anyone who does and responds.  It was somewhat helpful just to get my feelings out in writing..

LnR70707

I don't really have any advice about your H (since he obviously isn't open to the counseling he probably needs), but I've been there with the pumping.  I remember sessions where I cried the whole time too because I couldn't keep DS happy.   The pumping at least does get better as they get older.  Hang in there and I hope the other parts improve soon too.

drunkindonuts

Since I'm currently uninsured because of my extended medical leave, I'll probably wait until I get back to work to schedule an appointment.  I'm thinking I have some PTSD related to everything we experienced.  I am depressed, I just don't know if it's PPD.  Either way, counseling would benefit us both, I'm just not sure my husband would be willing to participate.

Thank you all for reading, responding, and your kind words..

rednelson

So sorry you're having such a hard time.  I don't have much advice to offer regarding the husband situation, other than having a nice long chat with him, but I thought I'd share about returning to work.  I too am a nurse, and also work at the same hospital where my DS was born and stayed for 55 days.  For us we had already been back to the hospital several times since he was discharged for the synagis clinic and an appointment with the surgeon, so the first drive in to work wasn't too bad.  Of course when I got there I was a mess, I mean literally heaving/sobbing.  Luckily I got there a bit early, so I had time to pull myself together (wouldn't want any of my patients families to see me like that).  After a few days of repeating that, I started to get back in the groove.  What I found helped was getting to work early and doing my first pump session, that gives me time to take some deep breaths and remind myself that I can make it through that one 12 hour day.  Over time it gets a lot easier.  In the time I've been back I've even gone to a few training courses that some of our NICU nurses were also in.  Im now a year out, and I still cry every now and then on the drive to work, but overall I feel like I'm in a pretty good head space and working gives me a sense of purpose away from DS.  Good luck!

pathfindermon

First of all- big hugs to you!!  You are not alone!  I'm actually teary-eyed reading your post b/c I know how you feel.  I'm constantly second guessing my mothering.  And sometimes I get in these "zones" where all I can do is flash back to everything that happened with my son coming early.  They are really hard.  The flashbacks have been less frequent lately but my guilty bad mom feelings are still going strong.  I agree with others that it may be PTSD- and that counseling would help.  I haven't taken this step yet but I'm planning on it soon.  As for everything with you husband- my husband and I have never fought as much as we have since my son was born.  We actually had a big long conversation last weekend.  I really didn't realize that he was feeling many of the same things that I am.  Things have been slightly better but I know we have a ways to go.  I really think that as time goes by things will get better.  Having a newborn is stressful enough- nevermind a preemie.  I keep reminding myself that we are both at our worst right now b/c of stress and a lack of sleep

I hope that things start to get better!!  Maybe take an afternoon to yourself and get a mani-pedi or take a bath- something that you would enjoy and that can give you a few mintues of relaxation. 

Kadyra

If you're crying multiple times a day, it's probably time to talk to someone. If you're uninsured, you may qualify for your state's Medicaid program, which has behavioral health. If you don't qualify, there are usually other programs that can help. I'm sorry you and dh are having such a rough time vi had ppd/pps with ds1 and I know how it is to feel so low.

I have a hands free pumping bra. I hold ds2 while I am pumping now. I don't know what I did before I got this bra. A friend is sending me another. While ds2 is asleep and I'm pumping, I read or journal or just sit and close my eyes. It's almost the only "me" time I get.

I wish you the best of luck in your difficult journey.

Cara03

I've been where you are, too. It is horrible, but unfortunately pretty understandable given the preemie experience. I agree with pp about PTSD and counseling...i hope your insurance kicks in again soon. I had PTSD ad depression after ds1's birth and counseling and meds helped so much. A specific counseling treatment that helped immensely is EMDR (PTSD treatment). I know i would be no where near the mental health I have today (even during another pregnancy) without EMDR and my amazing counselors. Sending lots of hugs your way.

kck329

shana+chris:

Since I'm currently uninsured because of my extended medical leave, I'll probably wait until I get back to work to schedule an appointment.  I'm thinking I have some PTSD related to everything we experienced.  I am depressed, I just don't know if it's PPD.  Either way, counseling would benefit us both, I'm just not sure my husband would be willing to participate.

Thank you all for reading, responding, and your kind words..

I second the suggestion about getting some therapy for PTSD. I felt just like you are describing at about the same point in the journey.  Your husband may have PTSD too. How long til you get insurance back? If it is going to be a few weeks, it would be worth looking into some free options to cover the gap so you can start working on healing. You might even be able to get your OB to write youa script for anti-anxiety meds on a consult if that's a more affordable option til you can try therapy. Even if you aren't at all religious, churches often have licensed counselors on staff or contact lists of people who will work with you on costs. Just an option.

Good luck-vent here if you need to, lots of us have been through the same thing. Check out the PTSD link on the preemie blog for some other resources too. 

Kadyra

Cara03:

I've been where you are, too. It is horrible, but unfortunately pretty understandable given the preemie experience. I agree with pp about PTSD and counseling...i hope your insurance kicks in again soon. I had PTSD ad depression after ds1's birth and counseling and meds helped so much. A specific counseling treatment that helped immensely is EMDR PTSD treatment. I know i would be no where near the mental health I have today even during another pregnancy without EMDR and my amazing counselors. Sending lots of hugs your way.

I had EMDR too. Worked wonders for a lot of issues. I love my psychiatrist.

downwardsunshine

(Hug)