Any Advice? (Foster Question)

Tiffany0614

DH and I decided years ago we wanted to adopt and were open to siblings and older children. We've been approved for a couple years now and have only had one placement for about ten days. It was heartbreaking to see them go even after such a short period. With three little ones under 6, it was complete chaos for ten days but we loved them already. After thinking about it and what we'd gone through, we decided we didn't want to foster again, except in cases where BP rights had been terminated. It was so difficult on us and our family. At the same time, we're struggling to decide whether to continue IVF treatments or pursue infant adoption. I think we've settled on IVF sometime after the first of the year. But even if the IVF works, I would still love to adopt. I posed the question to DH the other day - what do you think about saying ok to fostering again? I keep telling myself if we go into it knowing the child will be with us temporarily, it will be easier. We can give them a loving home for a temporary period. And if we are able to eventually adopt our foster child, that would be great! He was very reluctant because of what we went through before. I know my fears of the inevitable pain are selfish, compared to what these children go through. I so badly want to email our SW and tell her we're ready, but I keep stopping myself... 

elissaann26

First, I would make sure DH is on board before you email your SW.

While it may feel selfish that you may not be able to foster because of the pain that you might endure, it is realistic.  I think you (and DH) need to explore what you can and cannot deal with.  Because at the end of the day, you aren't doing any kids any good if you get in over your head! 

I will say that setting your expectations (and those of your family/friends) is very important.  We are fostering-to-foster, so our expectation were simply to foster.  We knew the average stay in our county was 2.5 years, so that is what we felt like we were signing up for.  I will say that even though we tried to set realistic expectations, there are still been plenty of things we wished we could have had a more realistic view on.  Basically, your expectations will very rarely be reality- especially with foster care.

To an outsider, it does seem like you have a lot of balls in the air right now.  IVF vs. infant adoption vs. foster care.  I would give your decision some time and let you and DH really talk and think about what is best for your family. 

IRR

So hard to give advice as it really is what you and DH can stomach.  It seems like fostering was very difficult for you so I am not sure I would put myself through that again.  IVF treatments are hard too.  Not sure how old you are but perhaps try IVF again first and then see what path that leads you down.  If you are able to have a bio child and still want to foster, then perhaps "only having the kids" a short time won't be as heartbreaking to you.  GL with your decision and keep us posted.

DaisyZH

I don't really have any advice, but my heart goes out to you and your DH it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.  These are all such emotional decisions and there are no right or wrong answers, just whatever feels the best for you. 

I wonder if you were pursuing IVF or domestic infant adoption while fostering if you'd maybe have an easier time with the shorter stays, but on the same token I could see fostering being more difficult if you're trying to go through the paperwork of adoption or the hormonal changes with IVF. 

You said that you were open to sibling and older children, I know you said that you only wanted to foster kids with parental rights terminated, do they have any kids in your area that are waiting children?  If not could you possibly expand your search out of state, using photo listings, or perhaps a private agency that works with foster care? 

Just throwing out ideas, I'm sorry for your struggles (( Hugs ))

Tiffany0614

Thank you both for your thoughts. DH is 32 and I'm 31. We've been going through this process for a few years now so I feel like it's all we've thought about. Which choice is best for us. We have finally decided that we'd like to try IVF again and see how that goes before pursuing private adoption. I feel like the only thing we're unsure of at this point is whether we should foster or not. The last time we did, it was very overwhelming. We had three small children and were totally unprepared. Our home had nothing for small children. And it was just a few days before Xmas. Looking back, with both of us working full time, we felt like we couldn't devote enough time to each child. If we foster again, we've decided we'd prefer to only foster one child at a time, so we can give them our full attention. We just truly do want to adopt and agreeing to foster does make that possibility more realistic.

Foster1Mom

Personally I feel if you want to foster that is great but you always have to keep in mind the goal of foster care is reunification.So if you go in wanting to adopt every child that comes into the home you will be heart broken.

I think the one at a time is a good plan. We plan on doing the same once we are down to one.

Have you thought about sitting down and making lists of the pros and cons of each direction to go to maybe identify really where your heart is?  It might help filter through some of the feelings and emotions and put it in black and white for you.

Best of Luck.  

Allie-Jo

Tiffany0614:

Thank you both for your thoughts. DH is 32 and I'm 31. We've been going through this process for a few years now so I feel like it's all we've thought about. Which choice is best for us. We have finally decided that we'd like to try IVF again and see how that goes before pursuing private adoption. I feel like the only thing we're unsure of at this point is whether we should foster or not. The last time we did, it was very overwhelming. We had three small children and were totally unprepared. Our home had nothing for small children. And it was just a few days before Xmas. Looking back, with both of us working full time, we felt like we couldn't devote enough time to each child. If we foster again, we've decided we'd prefer to only foster one child at a time, so we can give them our full attention. We just truly do want to adopt and agreeing to foster does make that possibility more realistic.

I get this bolded part 100% 

DH and I talked about what would happen if treatments stopped and still no LO.  We decided early on that fostering was probably not something we could handle BECAUSE the goal is re-unification.  It was kinda sad that we decided against it, but given personal experiences we have had, we knew realistically we wouldn't be prepared. 

We were also told if you are wavering in the least, figure it out, and make sure you decision is rock solid.  These children have been through something bad enough that being placed with a total stranger was a better option then home.  If you have any feelings that might interfere with what is best for them, you might not be the person they should be with.  When we were told that, that was our deciding factor.  Our hearts could just not handle falling in love and caring for a little person knowing we would have to more then likely give them back.  There is no shame in that, you need to do what is best for you and your family, because saying yes to fostering when you know it isn't best for you, wont be best for the LOs either.