Do I really not get it?

ASmallWonder

You can tell me the truth  DH has a very busy job that keeps him working long hours a lot, which sucks.  We got into a fight last night because, as he does MOST of the time, he tells me he'll be on a particular train so I know when to expect him home and then doesn't even call to tell me he'll be late until the time he should have been home has come and gone.  I called him on it, like I always do and he got pissed.  Yes, I know that the likely reason for him not showing up is that he got stuck at work but I always explain that it's not right to leave me wondering if that's the case or if he's dead on the road somewhere.  He claims he literally doesn't have time to call.  I don't know if it's just the nature of my job but I don't understand how, unless you're in a life saving role, you can't take 30 seconds to text "Going to be late."  That doesn't even take 30 seconds.

So be honest.  Am I wrong to expect that while someone is working they should be able to find the time to make sure people know they're ok and when to expect them?  Should the fact that I know he often runs late really make me drop the issue and accept that I will just never get this text/phone call that I'm asking for?

Libby1978

If he's going to be late he should shoot you a text and let you know.  Like you said, unless he's saving a life he can take a few seconds to send a text. 

J&A2008

These are fights we used to have.  We've both gotten better. 

DH drives me nuts when he hounds me on stuff. He used to text me or call when I took a long time at the grocery store. We've both backed off.

I don't think it's something worth being mad about, and it doesn't have to be a fight.  Just remind him that you'd like to know when he'll be home. 

ridesbuttons

I think if I was waiting to pick him up at the train and he didn't show, I'd be pissed.

But if he expects to be on a 7pm train and actually makes the 8pm train and this is very common, then I wouldn't be pissed. 

seahorse102410

My husband gets mad at me when I don't call to tell him when I'm leaving if I'm out with friends or whatever.  I forget because I am driving and I do not like to use the phone cause I'm driving.  But if your husband is sitting on the train or on the platform I don't see why he can't just text you?

HenHen25

I'm with you. Unless he's a surgeon or something where he literally cannot access his phone, there's no excuse not to text.

jess60

No, you are not wrong & my SO doesn't seem to grasp this concept either.  Very frustrating.

EVM1216

I could get why he can't text you at work, but once he is in transit on the train I don't see why he couldn't text "got held up, be home at X."  I would be pissed to.  DH has a 10 minute drive home but we have an agreement if he is more than an hour late getting out of work he calls me asap.  So, before starting his car he'll call to say he'll be home in 10, that way I stop worrying.

ASmallWonder

ridesbuttons:

I think if I was waiting to pick him up at the train and he didn't show, I'd be pissed.

But if he expects to be on a 7pm train and actually makes the 8pm train and this is very common, then I wouldn't be pissed. 

I know that me getting upset tends toward the unreasonable.  I know there are things I can do to stop myself from letting this bother me.  Example:  If he gets on the "right" train, he's home in time to put Aiden to bed.  Aiden always asks if he'll get to see Daddy.  I know I should tell him I don't know rather than tell him yes based on the promise of the "right" train.  But I admit that pisses me off.  I also sometimes wait to eat with him and I know that I should just not do that.  Because the difference between the early train and the later train is him either getting home at 7:30 or 9:15.  It's a big difference.  

It just pisses me off how adamant he is that every night is such a "holy shitts" situation that I can't get a 4 word text.  It'll blow over.  It always does :-/ 

klondikebar

DH will get stuck in meetings long after I expect him home. He will try to shoot me a text if he can. I used to get upset b/c I'd think he was in an accident if he was 2 hours late and I couldn't reach him. I've learned to accept that he can't always text me, but I still worry. I don't think you're wrong though.

penguingrrl

DH was like that for a while. I finally explained that I worry. We finally reached the agreement that he will text when he leaves the office so I know when to expect him (his drive is 40 minutes with no traffic, up to 2 hours with traffic, but we know about how long based on the time of day). Maybe suggest he do that instead of telling you what train he'll be on earlier?

quidditchcapn1120

I have to say I'm in your DH's position a lot. The reason I cannot text until I'm actually walking to the train is because it would be extremely unprofessional of me to text or call while I am talking to a patient. Talking with patients always takes longer than I think it will too. I can't just leave an exam with a screaming child to text when I want to. No, it's not a life saving position but parents expect their child is your focus when they are in your chair. I don't know if this is your Dh's excuse, but it is another point of view.

ASmallWonder

quidditchcapn1120:

I have to say I'm in your DH's position a lot. The reason I cannot text until I'm actually walking to the train is because it would be extremely unprofessional of me to text or call while I am talking to a patient. Talking with patients always takes longer than I think it will too. I can't just leave an exam with a screaming child to text when I want to. No, it's not a life saving position but parents expect their child is your focus when they are in your chair. I don't know if this is your Dh's excuse, but it is another point of view.

I understand your position but his isn't like that.  He's in finance.  I don't know.  With my boss, if I was running late and wanted to let DH know I would just flat out say to her "Give me one sec, I need to make a quick phone call."  For some reason he feels that's impossible in his job.  And I understand that some situations make it harder, like if he's in a face to face with the VP or something.  My issue is that this is his norm and I flat out don't believe he can't call all the time.  I think he just doesn't consider that I want that call and I think that's rude when we've talked about it.

EastCoastBride

You're not wrong, but as this is an on-going issue, I'd say it's time to change the routine.  First, what is it that he does that he really feels he can't take 30 secs to text?  If he's in a job where he's working w/ other people - I can perhaps understand.

But if he's sitting at his desk and just really "busy" but alone - he needs to make the time.

BUT - as someone suggested, maybe set a new expectation that he text you as he's leaving the office.  Clearly his "promises" in the morning of "I'll be home at 7:30" don't work - he doesn't know how busy he'll be or how late.  So creating this expectation is only creating frustration for both of you. 

And/or (again, depending on the work he's doing), maybe agree that certain nights he HAS to be home early but other nights he plans on staying late.  Any chance that would work?  Because I do agree- it sucks for your son to never know if he'll see daddy or not.  I think i twould be nice if you can say "On Mon and Wed daddy WILL be home". 

stilts1

It really irks me when my hubby does this.  But I try to just accept it now.  He has a really bad habit of telling me "Oh, I'll only be gone and hour, two max...." and then he's gone a good chunk of the day.  I've called him on it, but it hasn't done much good.  I'm just to the point where I don't make plans that revolve around him.  If he shows up, then great.  But I'm not putting my life...or my kids life... on hold waiting around for him.

Now that I typed that out, it sounds horrible.  He's a great dad, but my point is he's horrible at being accruate about how long his outside-the-home tasks are going to take. 

ridesbuttons

Your follow up posts let me see the whole thing a little clearer.

I'd suggest you ask him to send you a 'will be late' text or similar if that is the case and in return, you promise to not complain about the late factor, either by returning his text or in person when he gets home.

I'll wager he resists sending the text because he doesn't want to deal with any backlash, no matter how well intended it may be.

ASmallWonder

EastCoastBride:

You're not wrong, but as this is an on-going issue, I'd say it's time to change the routine.  First, what is it that he does that he really feels he can't take 30 secs to text?  If he's in a job where he's working w/ other people - I can perhaps understand.

But if he's sitting at his desk and just really "busy" but alone - he needs to make the time.

BUT - as someone suggested, maybe set a new expectation that he text you as he's leaving the office.  Clearly his "promises" in the morning of "I'll be home at 7:30" don't work - he doesn't know how busy he'll be or how late.  So creating this expectation is only creating frustration for both of you. 

And/or (again, depending on the work he's doing), maybe agree that certain nights he HAS to be home early but other nights he plans on staying late.  Any chance that would work?  Because I do agree- it sucks for your son to never know if he'll see daddy or not.  I think i twould be nice if you can say "On Mon and Wed daddy WILL be home". 

LOL I hate when someone posts an issue and then counters every suggestion with "That won't work" but, that won't work :-p  Stuff comes up and he could never ever plan to be home more than a few hours in advance.  I know that and I get it.  But his "I'll be on the x train" doesn't happen in the morning.  It happens an hour beforehand.  I call him on my way home from daycare and that's when he tells me.  I always say, when the time comes that you know the train is leaving and you're not on it, that's when I should get a call.  Not 1.5 hours later.

Fianschneid

Eh, I'm not in a life saving profession and there are days at work when I don't have time to pee, much less send a personal text to my husband.

What if he texted you when he actually got on the train? He wouldn't be distracted by work and you could have a realistic time frame for his arrival.

EastCoastBride

elmoali:

LOL I hate when someone posts an issue and then counters every suggestion with "That won't work" but, that won't work :-p  

Not what I'm doing at all.  I was giving you a couple of different suggestions as I don't know the full situation (at the time I wrote this, I didn't know he was in finance, for example).  And clearly I made an assumption about when he tells you he'll be home.

I'm not saying none of these won't work.  I just don't know what IN YOUR SITUATION might work.

quidditchcapn1120

EastCoastBride:

elmoali:

LOL I hate when someone posts an issue and then counters every suggestion with "That won't work" but, that won't work :-p  

Not what I'm doing at all.  I was giving you a couple of different suggestions as I don't know the full situation (at the time I wrote this, I didn't know he was in finance, for example).  And clearly I made an assumption about when he tells you he'll be home.

I'm not saying none of these won't work.  I just don't know what IN YOUR SITUATION might work.

. She was saying that's what SHE elmoali was doing, not you. At least that's how I read it.

ASmallWonder

EastCoastBride:

elmoali:

LOL I hate when someone posts an issue and then counters every suggestion with "That won't work" but, that won't work :-p  

Not what I'm doing at all.  I was giving you a couple of different suggestions as I don't know the full situation (at the time I wrote this, I didn't know he was in finance, for example).  And clearly I made an assumption about when he tells you he'll be home.

I'm not saying none of these won't work.  I just don't know what IN YOUR SITUATION might work.

No no, I was saying that about myself  I was saying that I hate when people say exactly what I was about to say which was, in essence, thanks for your help but you don't know my LYFE and I can't make your suggestions work! :-p  They're good suggestions it's just hard because, like every situation, we've got quirky things that make the obvious a little harder to do, kwim? 

ASmallWonder

Inkogneetoh:

Oh and I agree with other pps that he should just text you when he's on the train.  That way if you don't get the text at 7:15, you know he's not on it.

This actually makes sense and isn't something we'd thought of.  DUH.  Ask him to commit to verifying he IS on the train and if I don't hear from him, I know he's not.  See?  This is why I come here. 

thetwinkies&Vivi

My DH is horrible at that. Two weeks ago I was in a complete panic trying to track him down after he told me he was on the way home,and two hours later wasn't here. Turns out he ended up not leaving when he originally planned. 

I completely sympathize, and no, a quick text isn't an unreasonable request at all. 

EastCoastBride

elmoali:

No no, I was saying that about myself  I was saying that I hate when people say exactly what I was about to say which was, in essence, thanks for your help but you don't know my LYFE and I can't make your suggestions work! :-p  They're good suggestions it's just hard because, like every situation, we've got quirky things that make the obvious a little harder to do, kwim? 

Ah, gotch ya'.    Sorry.  And I hear you.  There are always those "little things" that you can't always fully convey that throws a curveball into people's suggestions.

RondackHiker

DH will do this. Partly bc he is a med student and has to obey orders from everyone so he can be told to leave by one person an then asked to stay by another.

But also because he can be optimistic. Either because he wants to leave or wants to tell me what I want to hear... I told him that if he thinks he can leave in thirty minutes but it could be two hours when a procedure wraps up, to say that, not just say he will leave in half an hour. Or not say he is walking out of the hospital when in fact he still has to leave the locker room and walk past thirty residents who might ask for something.

Asking for a text when he leaves is nice.

Nights when DS doesn't get to see DH which is more often than we'd like he will ask to sleep with one of Dh's shirts, and we will read a book with pics of his dad, and send his dad a short video with the story of DS's day. That helps. And I tell him DH will come in after he is asleep to kiss him.

I also admit that it isn't just worry, it is also hard to be busy and counting on him and excited to see him myself and have him late, which makes it hurtful and makes me react more unreasonably. And I recognize at least in my DH's case that he has no choice, so all I ask is an honest estimate.

Marc's Mrs.

I think it's just common courtesy for him to let you know he'll be late.  If he expected you to be home by a certain time, wouldn't he be concerned for your wellbeing?  I agree w/ PP's, he should shoot you a quick text when he's on the train.

TunaTown

elmoali:

You can tell me the truth  DH has a very busy job that keeps him working long hours a lot, which sucks.  We got into a fight last night because, as he does MOST of the time, he tells me he'll be on a particular train so I know when to expect him home and then doesn't even call to tell me he'll be late until the time he should have been home has come and gone.  I called him on it, like I always do and he got pissed.  Yes, I know that the likely reason for him not showing up is that he got stuck at work but I always explain that it's not right to leave me wondering if that's the case or if he's dead on the road somewhere.  He claims he literally doesn't have time to call.  I don't know if it's just the nature of my job but I don't understand how, unless you're in a life saving role, you can't take 30 seconds to text "Going to be late."  That doesn't even take 30 seconds.

So be honest.  Am I wrong to expect that while someone is working they should be able to find the time to make sure people know they're ok and when to expect them?  Should the fact that I know he often runs late really make me drop the issue and accept that I will just never get this text/phone call that I'm asking for?

He may not call or text b/c by the time he leaves the office and boards the train, he's prolly wiped out from the day. I know that when I'm driving home from work, all I want is to be left alone and vege before picking up LO. I rarely talk on the phone during the drive home and sometimes I don't even turn on the radio.

If he tells you he's on a paticular train and you don't hear from him, could you text him? Let him know that you understand that he may be thinking about other things and forget to text, and while you're not "checking up on him", you simply feel better if you sent a text to confirm that he's on his way home and left the office, and would appreciate a return text confirming that he's on his way.

I'm sure he's not-not texting to be a jerk, he's prolly just wiped out or thinking about work.

DrinknDerive

My job can get pretty crazy toward the end of the day, and I'm thinking my work environment is fairly similar to your H's.  That said, I always try to write a quick text to keep H updated on my ETA.

aglenn

My DH does this, too, and he is certainly not in any kind of critical position that really prevents him from sending me a text message.  He's gotten better about it over the years, but it's really just plain inconsiderate.  All the excuses in the world can be made, but the bottom line is that it's a choice on his part that whatever he's doing at the moment is more important, and it bugs me.

I just assume he won't be on time unless he proves otherwise.  Once I stopped nagging about it, he did actually get a little better so I think one of the prior posters had a point about him not wanting to say anything so he didn't have to listen to me (or you, in this instance) complain.