Shared Parenting Intro Meeting

elissaann26

Shared Parenting has gotten off to a rocky start to say the least.  I will say that while some of the BM's (although I feel like this is the wrong term) words were very inappropriate and hurtful to us, I completely understand how things escalated as they did.  And honestly, I don't think it is her fault.  I blame lack of proper facilitation.  Thankfully, that is now in place, so we have our first official Shared Parenting Intro meeting next week- eek!  I am so nervous.  We have met previously on a few occasions, but never to solely discuss shared parenting.

I'm trying to come up with a list of questions to ask.  Below is my list so far, but do you have any other suggestions for things to ask?   

-  Are there any particular lullabies you would like sung to your children at night?  Or would you like to record some so that you can sing them to them at night?

-  Are there any family traditions that you would like for us to incorporate into the boys' daily lives?  Or any that are particular to a certain holiday?

-  Is there any information that you would like to know about the boys that you aren't getting now?  Daily routine?  Weekly routine?  Funny things they say?  Etc.?

-  What foods are comfort foods to them?  We have discovered that they are VERY adventurous eaters, but have wondered if there were any family favorites.

Junebride007

Love this! We are doing shared parenting as well so I am definitely saving these questions. Have you thought about asking them about holiday traditions?

IRR

I might ask if they would want you to send them things like drawings, paintings etc. that they may make at school.  Also not sure how this works but are they allowed weekly phone calls besides visits?

silliestbunny

I am unfamiliar... is it an actual class/process?

whoisit

:lurker:

What is shared parenting? 

elissaann26

IRR:

I might ask if they would want you to send them things like drawings, paintings etc. that they may make at school.  Also not sure how this works but are they allowed weekly phone calls besides visits?

 

They are allowed phone calls, but because of our rocky start we are not comfortable with calls at this point.  Long story with lots of details I can't disclose.  We are hoping to work our way up to these.

elissaann26

Junebride007:

Love this! We are doing shared parenting as well so I am definitely saving these questions. Have you thought about asking them about holiday traditions?

Yes!  I forgot to include that one!  I particularly want to know how they explain Santa.  And even Elf on the Shelf.

elissaann26

silliestbunny:

I am unfamiliar... is it an actual class/process?

It is a process, which our county strongly encourages.  

Normally when you get your placement, you have a shared parenting intro meeting.  The birth parents, foster parents and social workers attend.  The sole purpose of this meeting is for the birth parents and foster parents to meet and exchange information about the kids.  What do they like to eat?  What is their bedtime routine?  What comforts them when they are upset?  Is there anything in particular that they are scared about?  From their shared parenting continues to grow as the relationship between foster and birth parents grow.  It starts with neither set of parents speaking poorly about the other.  And can grow to phone calls, emails, and more communication about the child(ren)'s daily happenings.  And then it can (with the court's approval) develop into community visits- lunch at McDonald's, playing in the park where no social workers are present.  

Our situation is a bit different since the boys were at a foster home prior to coming to our home.  And since this intro meeting didn't occur, we have figured out some of the basics.  But since the intro meeting didn't occur, we also got off on the wrong foot- majorly!  So we are working to get back on track.

 If anyone else has any questions about shared parenting, please feel free to ask.  This was one of the MAJOR reasons we decided to become foster parents!

whoisit

excuse me if any of this is too personal, but do you guys plan on having your children long term, are the bio parents working towards reunification (is that the right word?) Is this shared parenting thing when the bio parents voluntarily put their children in foster care or is it part of trying to reunify the parents and children? sorry just really curious about this....

elissaann26

whoisit:

excuse me if any of this is too personal, but do you guys plan on having your children long term, are the bio parents working towards reunification (is that the right word?) Is this shared parenting thing when the bio parents voluntarily put their children in foster care or is it part of trying to reunify the parents and children? sorry just really curious about this....

Thanks for the questions!

We plan to keep the children for as long as they need a home.  Our main goal is to guarantee that their next move is their last.  We do not plan on adopting them if that becomes an option.  So the timeline for how long they will be in our home is very fuzzy right now.

The current plan is reunificaiton (yes, that's the right word), so that means that the judge evaluates the bio parents progress towards the court order.  In our situation there are about 8 things that each parent needs to complete in order to fulfill the court order.  In theory if they fulfill those things, then they get the kids back.  I say in theory because every situation is different and things are evaluated case-by-case so there are no hard and fast rules.  But in our county, shared parenting occurs for every child in foster care, as long as it is in the child's best interest, which it is for 95% of the children.  And it is actually the county's stance that shared parenting should continue throughout the child's entire stay in foster care, even if the plan has changed to adoption and even if a TPR has occurred.  This can be hard to wrap your mind around, but I do see it as setting the foundation for an open (or semi-open) adoption if the adoptive parents would like that. 

As a foster parent, I primarily see shared parenting as incorporating some consistent for the children.  Things that were done in their "old" home can be done the same way in the "new" home- within reason of course.  And I also think it is VERY important for the children to feel like their foster parents are supporting their parents.  Then they don't have to pick a side.  Eventually shared parenting can also result in the foster parents modelling/coaching the bio parents on how to be good parents.  And some times after reunification occurs, the bio parents will keep in touch with the foster parents for advice or support through the ups and downs of parenting.  We view our role like the Aunt and Uncle that take the kids while the parents get back on track.  Our hope is that we will still be involved in the children's lives in the future- invited to birthday parties, send Christmas presents, etc.  This is very idealistic, but it would be amazing if it happened!

Any other questions are more than welcome!