Very Angry

starburst0928

I've had a very rough few days, and yesterday didn't help at all. 39+ loss mommies on this board remembering their babies are far too many. I'm just so angry right now at so many different things. Healthy babies' hearts just don't stop.

With today's technology why are we still losing our sons and daughters? All I can think about is how I let my son die while inside of me, and that I should have known more to protect him. I even had a dream that his autopsy results came back and they ruled it a murder. 

Anyone else feel/felt this way? What did you do to help it go away? 

dandywarhol

I've had similar thoughts. I think it is very normal to try to look for reasons and answers and ways to prevent additional losses. Please be gentle with yourself. You love your son and would've done anything to protect him and keep him in you. Blaming yourself doesn't change the situation and just makes you feel worse. I think the best you can hope for is to achieve acceptance. 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm mad too.  For me, for you, for all of us.  I'm also angry that I need to find something for my son for his birthday and that I have to think about it from the standpoint of what will hold up in the crappy weather we have here - not what he would like or enjoy.  I'm mad that instead of planning my son's first birthday party, I'm planning on how to memorialize him that day and leaving on vacation.  Believe me, I'm very excited about my trip but can't stop thinking about how we shouldn't even be going because we'd have a 1 year old.  I think I hate the anger portion of the grief process even more than the sadness because I get so angry it scares me.  I just know that in time it ebbs away but it will come back again.  I try to recognize when I am angry and try to get it out by running or screaming when I'm alone so I don't take it out on others.

karebear57

I felt (still kinda do feel) like this. It was esp. bad at the beginning. Bri was our 4th so I should have known better that something was wrong. I never called the doctor when she didn't move for a whole week, I just thought girls were lazier. I even asked my aunt since she had had a loss earlier that yr. She told me with one pg the baby didn't move much and turned out fine. Then with the last one she didn't feel the baby move and found out she had lost that one.( she has 7 kids here with her) She even told me if I'm scared to go to the doctor. But I didn't...I didn't want to be a bother. I took her for granted, I neglected her. I had lost all my fluid and it was discovered I had an infection I didn't know I had. She was perfectly healthy, it was me that did it.

I still feel guilty, I probably will for a very long time. But I did LOTS of research to see if I could maybe pinpoint what infection I could have had that could have caused me to lose Bri. Or maybe I was on my feet way too much and caused a leak that maybe introduced infection. I work in a hospital so I'm on my feet a lot and I was also coming home and walking with the boys to school. But with all that research I realized there's no way I could have known what infection I had if it didn't present any symptoms. I feel a little better after trying to look into the "whys". I kind of have a plan for my next one. I won't stay on my feet for long periods and I will tell my coworkers sooner so they take up some of my slack. I already drink lots of water but I will be buying lots of litmus paper to check my ph whenever I pee when I get into my 2nd tri. Making plans makes me feel better, like I'm doing something to prevent. 

I'm sorry this rambling went on too long! It's hard not to blame yourself at the beginning, I'm sure we've all felt like that. I'm very sorry your feeling this way. I know, all these thousands of lost babies each yr are way too many.

starburst0928

Bradley was absolutely perfect the whole pregnancy. No complications, no concerning measurements! How could he just randomly pass away between the 26th and 28th?!?! (My last doctors appointment and the morning I found out he had passed). I just feel as if his death was preventable but somehow it slipped through the cracks. 

I don't blame my doctor, I blame myself.  

Thanks for letting me vent. I also appreciate reading your venting sessions as it helps to see different perspectives.  

yosemitemom

My situation is different as our daughter wasn't healthy; she had several rare, severe malformations. But, I do understand the guilt. My soul-crushing guilt that stops me in my tracks. That has gifted me with the most wicked and awful nightmares. I have spent hours pondering if I did something to cause this.

What has helped me the most is talking through the guilt; saying the thoughts outloud and discussing with someone (in my case I found a babyloss therapist and it has been very helpful). I have also researched her syndrome, her malformations and have begun to accept that I did not do anything to cause this and that we really did make the best decision for her that we could. 

I hope that helps and I am so sorry for your loss.

 

yosemitemom

yosemitemom:

My situation is different as our daughter wasn't healthy; she had several rare, severe malformations. But, I do understand the guilt. My soul-crushing guilt that stops me in my tracks. That has gifted me with the most wicked and awful nightmares. I have spent hours pondering if I did something to cause this.

What has helped me the most is talking through the guilt; saying the thoughts outloud and discussing with someone (in my case I found a babyloss therapist and it has been very helpful). I have also researched her syndrome, her malformations and have begun to accept that I did not do anything to cause this and that we really did make the best decision for her that we could. 

I hope that helps and I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I have one more thing to add. I don't want my third paragraph to imply that I have accepted and it's all ok. The loss of my baby girl will never be ok. It is so wrong and unfair. Accepting and enduring are two very different things for me. I may accept that I didn't do anything to cause her condition, but enduring the loss...living everyday without my beloved second daughter...it's not a life I envisioned or ever wanted and it's really difficult. In fact, difficult is such a medicore word to describe my new reality.    

jess123456

dandywarhol:

I've had similar thoughts. I think it is very normal to try to look for reasons and answers and ways to prevent additional losses. Please be gentle with yourself. You love your son and would've done anything to protect him and keep him in you. Blaming yourself doesn't change the situation and just makes you feel worse. I think the best you can hope for is to achieve acceptance. 

 

This is exactly what I would say too. I also constantly found myself putting blame on me even if if sounded totally ridiculous to others. For example, I flew twice while I was pregnant and I went through the security detectors and thought maybe that was it. I even convinced myself that the glass of wine a few days after we conceived her (before we had a positive test) could have caused this. Perhaps something went wrong because I was selfishly so obsessed with working out while pregnant or because I used an at home doppler to listen to her heart or maybe my body failed her in some way and we didn't know it. It's all ridiculous I know but I constantly find myself thinking what did I do wrong and how things could have gone wrong. 

At first when it happened I convinced myself that I was in a coma and was just having a terrible nightmare.  After speaking with my therapist I now realize that it's nothing that I could have done. I did all I could possibly do for my child and most importantly provided her with love. Going back and trying to think of how this could of happened doesn't bring her back or change the fact that she is in Heaven instead of in my arms. It is so natural to do that and to go down that rabbit hole of thought.

It is very clear to me through your posts that you would do anything to protect him because you love him and he is your son. That fact will never change. Please know that you aren't alone. I really wish I could give you a giant hug in person.

lolee465

I totally understand how you feel. Our situations are a little different, I lost my daughter due to cervical incompetence. I'm mad at everyone...I'm mad at myself cause my body let me down. I had no way of knowing, but she was perfectly healthy and it was my fault. I'm mad at the doctors because I think the way they treat 'first time healthy" pregnant women is disgusting. They take a "wait and see" approach, assuming everything will be fine. My appointments consisited of them taking my BP, weighing me, measuring my belly, and checking the babys HB. A simple cervical check could have saved her. I don't know how I'll ever live with knowing that.. I'm still early in my loss so maybe the pain will get easier to manage, I'm not sure.

There's nothing you could have done, and for me that's really hard to accept...I would have done anything to keep my babygirl. I'm sure you feel the same way. Be easy on yourself.

Mrs Nice

I agree. There are way too many LOs gone. I have had these feelings of guilt and failure, and still do to some extent. I know logically that there was nothing I did to cause my sons death or could have done to prevent it, but I can't stop how I feel. It has gotten a little better with time. Not much, but a little. I am learning to live with it.

meli1025

I am extremely angry as well and I do feel like there had to be a way to prevent my daughter's death.  I was in the hospital with a "stomach bug" two weeks before we found out she was gone, and on that day she had a strong heartbeat.  Couldn't they have checked further and in more detail?  Why didn't I insist that they check her more thoroughly!?  My doctor just wanted me to stay hydrated, which is what I was doing, but I can't help but think we could've prevented this.  I'm so mad and sad that it gets unbearable.  I am mad that all of us have to share this horrible experience.

mcarter127

I am really pissed off as well. I had a gut feeling that things were starting to go wrong a week before I went into labor. I did bring them to everyone's attention ended up with 3 ultrasounds that week it still didn't save him. Im so mad at myself for not going in sooner, Im an OB nurse for God's sake, if anyone should have known something was up it's me!

OSUWifey09

I go back and forth on the anger, too. I fell two days before I found out Devon was gone, but I had an NST and ultrasound; I spent six hours either at my doctor's office or the hospital getting tested. Everything was fine with him. I knew something was wrong when I drove home and stopped feeling him move like he normally does when I'm sitting, but I put off going to the ER for a few hours because in my mind, I already knew he was gone. I blame myself and my clumsiness for his death, and I always will.

I know the doctors all told me that there's no way we could've seen this coming, that going from perfectly healthy to gone in 48 hours - with no signs of a complete placental abruption, like bleeding or contractions - is very rare. Even they were baffled as to what happened and had never seen that situation before. But in the back of my mind, I will always blame myself. I will always go back through those last 48 hours and wonder if there's anything I could've done. The guilt will eat at me for ages.

Bayberry12

It's so hard to believe that this has happened, and it's not fair that these things "just happen" even though sometimes there was nothing wrong, and no explanation.  I desperately searched for a reason and asked why, so many times.      

I have felt so angry at times it's almost scary.  I have gone into my nursery and just started at all the baby stuff with utter disgust, angry that I wouldn't be pushing her in that stroller, or wrapping her in that hand made blanket.  Angry at everyone else in my life because they keep living and moving forward while I am in so much pain.

With time the anger did fade, but it is still there sometimes.  Though, it's not as intense as the day I pulled all the baby clothes out of the closet and shoved them into a bag. At that time, if I could have thrown all that stuff away, I would have.

In my heart I will always think there was something I should have done, I should have known, but that wont change anything. At the time I did everything I thought was right, we all did.