NBR: am i crazy???

grimmeaa

So a little back story......my dad passed away two and a half years ago from brain/lung/ and bone cancer that no one knew he had until 6 weeks before he passed. I know we are all still grieving but we do it silently because that's just how things go in our family.
Soooooooo after having DD I had some depressing thoughts about never wanting to leave her die and never ever imagining my life without her. But those faded or I guess became tollerable and I wasn't thinking like that as much maybe once a week I would break down instead of everyday. But now I am back to where I have to look at her newborn pictures and go through all the pictures of me and my dad before bed everynoght. So I basically cannot fall asleep unless I cry sob myself to sleep.
Am I crazy or is this a normal feeling and soon like before will it just pass???? I told DH about it and his helpful words were well just don't think about it anymore.......hmmm thanks darling!
Anyone else been through or going through the same thing?

Sorry if this went on and on.

duffmaker

I haven't lost a parent but I have had my fair share of grief and I've found that as cliche as it sounds, time really is the only thing that ultimately heals you and little regressions like what you're describing still happen to me, and it's 5 years later. Although they only hit on certain touchy dates now. 

Have you thought about talking to a grief counselor? With your family internalizing their own feelings it might be helpful for you to be able to just let everything out to someone, they may even encourage you to bring your mother or siblings with you one time so you can all become more comfortable with dealing with this as a team.

brighteyes2123

I recently met someone who lost their dad 13 years ago. After she lost him, she checked herself into the hospital... she said she did it because of not being sure if she was having a breakdown. She met a nurse who told her it can take people ten years to start feeling normal and things are a little easier, after the loss of their father. My dad died 2.5 years ago and it sometimes hurts more then other days.... he died unexpected as well and maybe that's why I am struggling to get through certain days. I think it sucks he can't meet DS, I can see DS's eyes like my dad's and our toes. I hope this sorta makes sense, my thoughts are jumbled. I'm sorry for your loss!

brewcitybride

That is sad, I am sorry for your loss. I would definitley look into grief counseling if you haven't. They can help you learn coping techniques that you may not have thought of. Hugs!

Nwlywed07

Don't really have any advice except I agree with the PP, maybe look into seeing a counselor to help deal with all of the feelings instead of internalizing them. Sorry things have been so rough and for the loss of your dad. I can't even imagine what you are going through. ((Hugs))

sedl1lau

I know this is a different circumstance, but I was engaged to a guy who ended up dying from cancer.  The thing that helped me get through this the most is finding someone to talk to.  My current husband lost his first wife to cancer, and we found each other and started talking (then the talking turned into something more).  But I just think you need to find someone to talk to, because it really helps, whether its a family member, or a grief counselor, or a friend.  Dealing with losses affects everyone differently, for example my husband's old in-laws seclude themselves, I have never met them, they took their loss out on the whole world; but my fiance's family love my current husband, and our son as their own.  You have to keep the spirit of your dad alive and talk about him.

JamiesWife2010

I am so sorry for your loss! My mother passed away unexpectedly almost 10 years ago. I still have times that it feels like we just lost her. It has been especially hard since I got pregnant & DS was born. 

I would find someone(a counselor or a friend even) that you can really open to.  I also find it helpful to write a letter to my mom sometimes. It feels really good to get my feelings off my chest(even if I just throw the letter away).

 

Edit: Fixed a sentence that didn't make sense.

grimmeaa

Wow thank you ladies. Thank you for opening up to me and sharing your stories. I made an appointment with my doctor who knows everything going on, to see if he can find someone for me to talk to. No one around me has been through anything like this so I'm not comfortable talking to someone who can't relate.
Again thanks everyone :

gracefulruby33

I went to school for funeral service. I would absolutely find some sort of counselling- it sounds like you are making the first steps to doing this. I don't think that what you are going through is abnormal. Everyone grieves in their own way, as you basically mentioned. I do think that you will find your experience to be a positive one if you talk to someone that isn't related to the situation... Where you can air out all things. Friends can be great, but it can be pretty heavy when talking about death and grief. I feel like I can talk to them about that stuff at a superficial level but not always as deep as I may want to.

Personally, I am still coping with my grandmother's death (which happened gradually ovr ten years ago) and my uncle's death (sudden brain cancer five years ago, during my time in mortuary school). My DH's family is dealing with a dying grandmother now and it is bringing back hard personal feelings (we just got back from visiting her and she is in a heavy Alzheimer's state). Even just being a part of someone else's grief makes those feelings rush up again. Dying SUCKS. You shouldn't have to go through what you are going through alone (I know you aren't, but sometimes it can feel that way). 

 

duffmaker

I hope your doc is able to set you up with someone great and that it helps

Branching on what JamiesWife said, it made me remember something a high school friend of mine did and I'm sure probably still does occasionally. His father took his own life the week after my friend left, cross country to attend college. He ended up writing letters to his dad like JamiesWife said she does except he mailed his, no return address and with his dad's name just written on it... he told me it brought him peace and gave him hope that maybe somehow they reached his dad in heaven. It's a silly and juvenile thought but a touching one all the same and honestly who knows, maybe it did reach his dad