Been lurking here off and on..

UberBiz

And been lurking a little more today and will probably be lurking (and maybe posting) more in the future, so here's some background:

My FI and I each have a daughter from a previous relationship. My daughter is 7 and me and her father split when she was 1. He used to see her every other weekend and whenever else he wanted to (we lived 20 minutes from each other), but for the past almost 2 years, he has only gotten to see her on school breaks and most of summer vacation because we moved 6hrs away. We started out rough, but have spent the last 6 years fine-tuning our visitation schedule and things are pretty much smooth sailing (except for c/s, but that's a whole other story). Him and my FI have met (on our drop-offs and pick-ups) and much to my chagrine, he says that BD seems like someone he'd hang out with. He never would, but I guess I can't complain about that one, lol.

My FI on the other hand, his daughter is 3, his ex left him weeks before they were supposed to get married, this didn't happen too long ago, maybe a year and a half. They are mostly civil (the mother lives 13hrs away, she married a guy in the Navy and lives in VA now, and we are upstate NY) and have 50/50 custody, we just started meeting halfway in PA for the drop-off/pick-up (which is SO much better than driving to VA to get her), both of them skype often with the child when she's with the other parent, but things are still very tense between them.

The mom wants to change the custody agreement, but I haven't read the original agreement to see how much will be changing. He loves that little girl more than his own life, and wants desperately to have her full-time when she starts school. As does the mother. I believe in the original agreement, when she turns 5 she can decide what parent to live with full-time. I always thought that was a little young, but I understand the importance of being established at school (my daughter had a very hard time transitioning when we moved and she had only been in kindergarten for half the year). He also thinks that it's acceptable for the child to switch back and forth every other year, and I totally do not agree, and don't think a court would agree to that kind of arrangement either.

Anyway, the mother wants to change it so they wait until she is 7 before she decides what parent to stay with full-time. I get the age thing, they become more aware of things as they get older, but I also feel like it's giving the mother the advantage because by that time she will have friends in school and probably not want to leave that familiarity.

Being a BM myself, I see the mother's POV, but being with my FI, I try to see his POV as well. It's hard to be neutral because I do see both sides. Both parents want to have her full-time, but in the end it's just not going to be possible.

I guess I'm not looking for anything specific by this post, just wanted to "come out" and say Hi to all you ladies, and say that it's nice to have others to relate to and vice versa, whether you're a step-mom, or have a child and your s/o is a step-dad, or any combination of blend. thanks for reading my novel if you made it this far

Littlejen22

Hi and welcome. I agree that EOY would be horrible for her schooling and social development. And yes. 5 or 7 to choose where to live is horrible, it is too much pressure and responsibility and if she gets in trouble at home she will change her mind. I would tend to think she should be with whoever can give the most stability for school and the other parent would get breaks and summer which would give you custody but you are likely in for a fight.

And silly comment but please refer to BM as "her Mom" instead of "the Mom", you are being specific about your SOs child's Mother and saying "the" sounds so impersonable and like you are dehumanizing her which clearly you are not trying to come the rest of the post.

UberBiz

Littlejen22:

Hi and welcome. I agree that EOY would be horrible for her schooling and social development. And yes. 5 or 7 to choose where to live is horrible, it is too much pressure and responsibility and if she gets in trouble at home she will change her mind. I would tend to think she should be with whoever can give the most stability for school and the other parent would get breaks and summer which would give you custody but you are likely in for a fight. And silly comment but please refer to BM as "her Mom" instead of "the Mom", you are being specific about your SOs child's Mother and saying "the" sounds so impersonable and like you are dehumanizing her which clearly you are not trying to come the rest of the post.

Thank you, I definitely was not trying to do that to her, by any means!

I think the best thing I can do is to prepare FI for the big possibility that he will not be getting full custody.  Her mother has an older child (from before FI) and has twins with her new husband. They own a house (albeit a small one for having 4 kids, but I grew up with 4 siblings in a 2br apartment!), and right now we have nothing. Granted we still have 2 or 4 years to get settled, but right now we both still live with our parents and are in the process of trying to buy a house.

Unless there is something seriously wrong with her mother and her ability to provide adequate care, and I don't think there is, FI won't be getting full custody, unless they actually stick to the agreement and have Lilly choose, then he might have a chance that she chooses him. I just think it's unfair to have a child that young choose between her parents.

twister22

Welcome! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I too agree that EOY would be dreadful for a child. Is it possible to stick to the original agreement, and let SD choose when she is 5/about to start Kindergarten? You could add an amendment that after completely a certain grade, SD could then decide to stay where she is or move to the other parent. Maybe she could have a chance to switch where she lives during the school year every several years? That way if she's changing schools it is HER choice, and not something she is forced to do. I understand this could pose problems with her getting mad at one parent for their rules/discipline so she wants to switch to the other so she has more freedom. There is no easy solution to this, and I can only imagine the stress it must put on your FI! 

UberBiz

Twister, thank you. I think they should stick with the original agreement and let her choose before she starts school at 5. I read what her mother wants to change the agreement to, but I have never seen the original CO, so I'm not sure how different it is. One paragraph does stipulate that she can choose to switch parents as long as it's not interrupting the school year. This is what she wrote: "L will not be allowed to switch which parent she resides with during a school year except in case of emergency." Which I take to mean that she will be able to switch which parent she resides with between school years, because it doesn't say otherwise.

FI is so hot-headed and loses his cool so quickly, I'm afraid they won't be able to sit down and hash things out reasonably without it escalating into some huge court battle.