I can't handle this pain, not dealing well

meli1025

My grief is just so intense, and I feel like the world around me is just moving right along and it's not fair.  Dh is handling things a lot better than me, and I don't resent him for that because I get that we grieve differently, but I just feel like I can't grieve properly.  Like I'm alone with my pain.  Yesterday I tried to get out of the house and we took ds pumpkin picking, huge mistake.  All I could think about was Ava, I got her a tiny pumpkin and brought it to the cemetery when we were done.  It was my first time there by myself and I cried hard and loud which made me feel better afterwards.  This weekend my step children are here and I don't think they care at all about the loss of their baby sister.  They are 13 and 14 and are just acting like everything is normal.  I can't just move on like nothing happened.  I feel like I will never have a genuine smile again.  I want to be strong for ds but this pain hurts so deeply.  I feel guilty for being so sad in front of him.  I keep going back and forth from being sad to angry, the "why me" pity party.  Fall used to be my favorite time of year, my birthday is coming up on the 25th.  Normally I'm my happiest around now and this year and from now on I feel like I will be at my lowest.  I am dreading the holidays and the entire month of February when Ava was due.  I would've had a c-section right around Valentine's Day.  I know I'm rambling now but I just needed to get these things out to other people who have been where I am. I can't go one minute of the day without thinking of Ava and why and how things went so wrong.  

jbranden12

I am so sorry you're having a rough time. The first couple of weeks are so hard. We actually moved in to my parents house for the first week and didn't leave the house. We were just in a grief bubble, and I needed that. All I did was think about her and talk about her and make an album of pictures and her memory box. I couldn't put any energy into anything else.

I'm glad you got to visit the cemetery yesterday and take Ava a pumpkin. We need time to cry, and it seems like you may be doing it alone for a while since you have DS and your step-children at home. It's probably to early to say that they don't care about the loss, but they probably don't know how to process it. Did they get to see Ava? Maybe your DH can bring it up with them to check in and see how they are feeling.

Again, you are so fresh in your grief. The next few weeks and months are going to be a rollercoaster. I think we all understand about feeling joy again, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be truly, wholly happy without her here. But I will tell you that there are days when I feel joy, and I smile and it is genuine. I will always miss her, but as the days pass, my heart gets bigger and there is room for happiness. ((big hugs))

dandywarhol

{{hugs}}

I wish I knew the right words to say to comfort you. Your loss is still very fresh and raw and all these things you are feeling are natural. It is an awful feeling when it feels as if you're the only one experiencing the grief and pain from losing your little one. Have you been able to talk to your husband about how you feel about your grieving? It might help to just have someone to listen to (we're good for that too). I spent a lot of time the first few weeks after my loss e-mailing and talking to anyone I could because I had so many feelings that I needed to get out plus I wanted the world to know how sad I was and how the world was a sadder place without my daughter.

You might want to speak to your stepchildren as well and explain to them why you are so sad. They are children they probably don't understand what you are feeling/going through. It might be good for them to learn that it is ok for an adult to be upset and that when you lose a loved one it is natural to be sad. They lost a step-sibling, maybe they are looking for some direction for their grief. 

Being sad doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are in touch with your feelings. Don't worry about being strong, strong can be overrated. Is there anyone who can take your son for a few hours a day or one or twice a week so you can have time to grieve however you need - even if it is just lying in bed staring at the walls. We all need to take the time to take care of ourselves and do whatever we must to get through the next minute, hour, and day.

We are always here for you however you need us.  {{hugs}}

ally2011

You are not rambling.  We have all be right where you are.  There are no words to do justice to how that feels.  I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet Ava.

Yes, men and women grieve very differently and it is wise to recognize that and stay united with your husband, and not let it divide you.

If you are a reader, I would recommend "Grieving the Child I Never Knew", "Empty Cradle Broken Heart", "The One Year Book of Hope" and "Good Grief" by Westberg.  All are excellent and helped me feel less crazy.

I would also encourage you to seek out a support group or grief counselor.  I did not do this until 8ish months out, but it was helpful when I did.  There is probably someone at your hospital that helps loss moms, or the L&D floor may have recommendations.  You could also check with your local Hospice office, or a local churches for recommendations.  

The journey of grief is dark and long.  But you do not have to walk it alone.  There was a period of time where I remember feeling like I was spiraling down and would never recover from that depth of despair.  However, I am here to tell you that it will not be dark forever.  You will never be the same person you were, and not a day will go by when you don't think of Ava, and you will randomly cry at times that are out of the blue.  But you will also have joy again, you will smile again, and you will not be in the deep despair that you are in now forever.   No one ever told me that and I wished they had.  I miss my sweet Grace every single day, and I always well, but it is not raw like it was early on, and even up through her birthday.  It takes time, but have hope that there will be joy again.

We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Jenn 

weddedwife

It's okay to feel like you can't handle this, it's awful!

Being out in public is so unbearable when your loss is so new. For the first few months it didn't matter where we went, it was torture. I couldn't believe the world could go on while for me it had stopped.

The hardest thing for me about this grief was the isolation. A friend of mine who is a hospice worker explained the term "disenfranchised grief" to me; basically, it is a loss that is not recognized by society. Since my son never lived outside of me, no one else ever met him. He didn't exist to them and so it's easy for them to just "move on". They don't grieve with you the way they would were it someone else who had died; someone who was living amongst us for some time. It adds insult to injury. I've never felt so alone even surrounded by people.

I second what the pp said about allowing your DH to grieve in his own way. He may not show his sadness the way you do. Do not let it divide you. Rail against the world but not at your H, he's the only one who has lost the same thing as you have. This type of loss can make or break a marriage and you have to make a conscious decision that it will not destroy yours.

Don't feel guilty for grieving in front of your son. Your teaching him a valuable lesson in human emotion; that its okay to cry, to be sad, that life isn't always good emotions. Now if at some point, 6 months or a year out, you are still sobbing daily in front of him, seek help. But for now it's pretty normal and unavoidable. There was no way I could hide my grief from my daughter in those early weeks.

I send you lots of love. Please come here as often as you need to for support. We all know the emotions you are feeling.

jess123456

Sending you lots of hugs. I feel like I could have written the exact same thing a few weeks ago. 

The beginning is so so raw and it is so hard to imagine that the world can go on. My DH also deals with his grief so differently then me and I often get annoyed or angry with him but know that he is hurting but just shows it differently.

Like the other women have said, I think it's totally fine to show your emotions to your other children. You experienced a huge loss and you have every right to feel the way you do. 

I started to see a therapist (someone who specializes in this kind of loss) and she has been so incredibly helpful.  I remember thinking how in the world could a stranger who never met my daughter or someone who doesn't know me, be helpful.  However, she has been more helpful then some of my family members. If this is something that you are open to, I highly encourage you to try it.

She actually encouraged me to write a letter to my daughter and tell her how I am feeling etc.  It has taken a lot of courage to do, and I couldn't do it right away but it has helped for me to communicate with her in a way that I never got to before.  She has also taught me that I should eliminate the words should and shouldn't when dealing with my grief. The truth is that there is no exact way that anyone should or shouldn't grieve as everyone grieves differently. She told me to give myself credit for things that I do do. I now realize that the guilt that I have been feeling is when I say I shouldn't have or should be doing something.

Please know that you aren't alone.  We are always here for you. 

meli1025

Thank you all for your responses and advice.  I'm going to download a couple of those books to my kindle and start reading.  It also helps me a lot just to be able to write to you all and get it out, I really appreciate the feedback and the virtual ((hugs)).  I am so sorry for all of your losses too and wish we didn't all have this in common.  I think it's a good idea for me to seek therapy too.  The hospital did recommend a group of loss moms that meets once per month, and I also think I should talk to someone one on one.  I miss Ava so much and the life that I imagined for us and our family.  Thanks again ladies, ((hugs)) to you all.

buggirl72

I am so sorry for your loss of Ava. I completely understand what you mean about your step children not seeming to grieve at all. My SS is 14 and we have him on weekends. He was excited about being a big brother and cried when my DH told him about Zachary but he has already moved on. I really think that at that age kids do not have the same excitement about a baby that smaller kids do and, as a PP said, they never "met" this person who was lost. The connection is not there and the sense of loss we have for the future that has been taken away is not either. 

My EDD was also in February and Zachary was born at 20 weeks. I'm just over three weeks out and had to force myself back into the real world (last year of law school). I have good moments and bad moments. What has helped me the most is talking about (or posting or writing) whatever it is that has triggered the tears to come.