Problem solving? - What do you do when you just don't know what to do?

CaptainSerious

For the last few week, my husband and I have been in a holding pattern with regard to M's school issues/IEP.  Mostly, my husband wants to wait to see what the school will do and how it will affect M, and I've agreed to cool my jets for just a little bit.

Now we know that the school has made good on its promise to remove the paraprofessional from M's classroom, but leave the special ed teacher in the room.  This isn't what we wanted, and they know that.  So, I was ready to escalate to the next step, be that recalling an IEP meeting (which most likely won't do much, since it's been made clear to us that the superintendent has a track record of subverting the process and telling the child study team members what they can and cannot do; he was hired to cut costs and doesn't care if he breaks the law and gets sued) or hiring a lawyer.  My husband, however, is still advocating waiting a while to see how M does in this new set-up.

While we are waiting, we are also having discussions about the number of days M's getting pulled out for speech.  He has three pull-outs a week, but that's become a problem, because the only time he's not in resource  (which they can't pull him from) is during specials (which they also can't pull him from) and social studies/science, which he's already struggling with since he's mainstreamed.  We've gotten the school to agree to allow him to be pulled out of Spanish for speech, but are looking for other options (like push-ins) for the other days.  Whenever I ask my husband for his opinion, he tells me he trusts me to make the decision, because it's starting to get too overwhelming for him.

So, here I am, worrying that waiting is the wrong tactic.  My husband has told me I can hire a lawyer if that's what I really want, but he hates that option because he feels we really don't know what changes we want and so it might be throwing the money away (about $10K) for something we can otherwise handle.  I'm starting to feel like he's not putting enough effort into researching this/helping me find the best way to handle it, and so I'm worried I might end up resenting him down the line if we don't get M the help he needs because of inaction or not wanting to spend the money (for a lawyer or private language-based-learning-disability school).

I have no idea what to do next, and feel like I'm just spinning in circles.  I feel like I've looked at this from every angle and have evaluated all the choices, but still don't know what I should do next.  I've prayed about it and have nightmares about it.  I go round and round, and what sounds like the perfect answer one minute sounds like a complete joke the next hour.  So my question to the board is:  what do you do when you just don't know what to do?  How do you decide which move to make?  What if you strongly believe that just waiting it out until the answer comes to you will only result in a bigger problem to overcome?  How do you decide then?

kmkaull2

You do what you've been doing--more research, ask more questions. 

I think you said before that the assistant principal is the director of special ed in your district?  How about asking to have a meeting with him, 1:1.  Eyeball to eyeball explain your concerns and listen to his response.  He might be more responsive if you come in and just ask how we can solve the problem together.  Even better, if he will observe M in the classroom before you come.  

 One other note, I don't know  M's specific speech and language needs, but there is no reason she can't be working on science & social studies content with M.  I would make sure that's happening.

DaisyZH

I unfortunately don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that this is so tough.  It's so hard, I know what you're saying about feeling like things will be worse if you wait and see, but at the same time you don't want to make a huge decision just to jump-start things.  

 Is there any type of expert that you could consult regarding getting a lawyer/waiting it out/or specialized school?  Ugh, I'm sorry I'm not much help, it sounds like you've done everything you can.  (( Hugs )). I hope someone else will read this and have some ideas.

srmmm09

Well I should disclaimer that I don't have a "wait-it-out" bone in my body. Inaction is STUPID*! [*that is obviously not always true]

But my H definitely prefers to wait. He also likes to let me handle decisions when he doesn't feel like he has enough information to decide. I can see why he might want to see if M can adjust before taking more drastic steps, but I can definitely also see why you'd think waiting would only make life harder for M.

Since I've never been anywhere near this kind of situation, I can only tell you in general what I usually do: I run best-case and worse-case scenarios in my head with each decision and see what I can live with.

That's probably not even helpful, but that's alllll I got. Ts & Ps for you, your H, and M to figure out the best path. 

[my justice-oriented side wants you to SUE THE PANTS OFF those who are breaking the law. But you don't make your decisions based on my need for justice to be meted out, which is good.] 

CaptainSerious

kmkaull2:

You do what you've been doing--more research, ask more questions. 

I think you said before that the assistant principal is the director of special ed in your district?  How about asking to have a meeting with him, 1:1.  Eyeball to eyeball explain your concerns and listen to his response.  He might be more responsive if you come in and just ask how we can solve the problem together.  Even better, if he will observe M in the classroom before you come.  

 One other note, I don't know  M's specific speech and language needs, but there is no reason she can't be working on science & social studies content with M.  I would make sure that's happening.

Actually, the director of special ed is the assistant superintendent.  I have spoken with him one on one on several occasions, to no avail.  Here's the basic problem, as far as I can tell:  he was hired two years ago to cut special ed costs.  His policy is to try to get parents to accept what he wants by saying things like "we don't do that here," "we have to work within the structure," and "we don't offer that."  I know this is totally not in compliance with the law, and was going to call another IEP meeting, but I've been told by a local advocate knowledgeable on our district that he then gets the school administration and members of the child study team to stick to what he wants so that the IEP meetings aren't fruitful.  Basically, he figures that few families will actually sue the district, so he can get away with it most the time.  Once you hire a lawyer, they either settle or let you take it all the way.

That's why I was ready to higher the lawyer, but the one I keep getting referred to has a retainer of $4,500 if you think you won't file due process and $7,500 if you will and bills at $350 an hour, so if we go ahead with that choice, we really should know what we want her to get out of the whole thing.  The problem is, right now, I'm not sure.  I know getting the district to pay for private school is likely the best choice academically, but that means moving him in the midst of the school year and a whole shift in how the family manages our days.  And I'm not sure if socially that's the best option for M.  I know it would take a lot to convince my husband it's the best choice, for sure.

IRR

Sorry you are having such a difficult time with the schools.  My thoughts (although I know nothing on the  topic) is to perhaps take M to a private school and have them evaluate him.  Ask them what they would do and if you believe that school is best for him fight the school district to pay for him to attend the private school.

GL and keep on being the advocate for your child.  No one else will.  As my husband always tells me, it's us against the rest of the world since we are the only ones who really care about what ever happens to us.

CaptainSerious

IRR:

Sorry you are having such a difficult time with the schools.  My thoughts (although I know nothing on the  topic) is to perhaps take M to a private school and have them evaluate him.  Ask them what they would do and if you believe that school is best for him fight the school district to pay for him to attend the private school.

GL and keep on being the advocate for your child.  No one else will.  As my husband always tells me, it's us against the rest of the world since we are the only ones who really care about what ever happens to us.

Actually, the first of all three evaluations M's had in the last year was done by a private school specializing in language based learning difficulties, and they are the ones who first said that M's dyslexic.  I would love to send M to that school or a similar one, but they are all about an hour's drive from the house, so logistically it would be really tough and it would likely cut out most of M's free time during the day.  On the flip side, it would enable us to discontinue his private tutoring.

Unfortunately, my husband and I aren't really on the same page about this, as he thinks it's a bit drastic to completely pull M out of the area and his comfort zone for school.  I think a big part of it is that he hasn't really come to terms with just how delayed M is, and thinks he's doing okay where he is.