how to deal with overbearing in-laws? (long, sorry)

dpraseutsinh

i gave birth to our LO 4 days ago. i told DH's family that i wanted just DH and i there during the entire labor (inactive and active) and that i would like to spend 1on1 time with our LO before everyone barged in. WELL, that didn't happen. they showed up while i was having contractions and they were behind the curtain when i was being checked at 10cm. i thought ok no big deal, but as soon as she was born, everyone came in and bombarded us. i was so upset because i wanted to have skin on skin contact with her so bad. on top of that, DH is laos and i'm korean. we live with DH's parents so obviously the household is a different language, environment, etc. i don't want my DD to grow up only knowing one side of her family nor do i want DH's family to COMPLETELY influence her. i'm not saying his side of the family is bad, they are wonderful, but i feel like they won't listen to me when LO gets older and i begin actually parenting her and my guidance on how to grow up to be a good person. i feel like they won't listen to my wishes as her parent. 

do any of y'all have overbearing relatives and feel the same way with them? how do you deal with them and how can i make sure i am able to raise my LO the way i want to be raised. i think everyone is forgetting that i'm her mother and it just makes me really upset. thanks in advance. 

ihearttroy1

My SO parents are crazy! Almost to the point where I don't want to be with him anymore. His mom never leaves the house because she's "allergic" to everything. After I had our son, she asked if my SO could take him to her house so she could see him and then cancelled because I took him to the grocery store so he was "contaminated" and she would get sick. Then his dad came over to my house and asked me how the baby was and I told him he had been a little fussy, he said that the devil was in my house making my baby cranky to tempt me to make him sleep. He used finger quotes when saying sleep. I was so mortified that I told him that I really didn't want any visitors from now on. It's insane.
You need to do what you feel is right for you and your baby. This is one time it's ok to be selfish.

SunAndRain

First of all, your parenting starts NOW, not when LO "gets older".

You and your DH really need to be on the same page and agree on visits with LO and parenting.  THen you both need to assert yourselves.  You should have asked the nurse to kick them out of your hospital room, or you should have said to them, "I would like some time alone with LO.  Thank you all for coming but visiting hours are over."

You're in a tough place because you live with them.  So really the best advice I could give would be to get your own place.

daisy662

It sounds like you want your cake and eat it to. You want to live with his parents for whatever reasons, but you don't want them involved. I could not imagine living with my in laws or even my own parents before kids and I especially wouldn't even consider it now with a baby - I would have to be completely destitute.

Time to get your own place. Problem solved.

mrsj0423

As PP's have said, it's time to get your own place.  In addition to that, do not be afraid of being labeled a b**ch when it come to them.  This is your baby, so it has got to be your rules.  Put your foot down.  You need to set the precedent now, because the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

mben1119

1. Get your own place. Stat.

2. If you didn't want them there, why did you tell them to leave, or tell the medical staff to escort them out?

Starbear06

As PP stated, you should have set the rules about the L&D wishes and made sure either your H or nurse respect your wishes. With overbearing in-laws and families you just have to out your foot down especially in the beginning now that you are a mom.

I know how you feel. I'm Chinese and my husband is also Chinese but his family speaks another dialect that I don't understand. H's brother has two kids that were practically raised by the grandma and sisters (H comes from a big family). There was no way in heck that I was going to let that happen and I had to set the rules from the beginning. Grandma and aunties definitely have their roles but they don't have my role as the mother! Oh and make sure that your H supports how you feel and feel the same way about parenting. And totally agree, it's going to be worse with you living with them. It's very important to have your own space and boundaries. 

melody921

Move out. Seriously, it's the best way to get the space you need. I'd lose my mind if we lived with family.