MIL Ugh

Vincent

So I don?t want this to be another MIL venting session, I?m truly looking for some quick advice to get past some old ?ill? feelings that I can?t seem to let go and are continuing to get in the way.  I?m sure others can related with a mother, MIL, an old experienced friend etc thinking they are being helpful with parenting advice only to make the mother feel like crap.  I want to know how do you get ?over? it so it doesn?t eat at you or so you don?t continue to dredge it up. 

My MIL is watching our daughter today because daycare is closed and as much as I appreciate knowing that I don?t have to take time off and she is in good hands, I can?t stand it.  I know it?s only 1 day but when these situations arise where she?s involved in the care of my child it makes me think back of specific situations that I feel like she?s wronged me with her uninvited advice.  I even take it a step further to complain after my daughter?s visit that MIL didn?t follow the schedule, didn?t encourage her to eat enough, didn?t put her down early enough for a nap and then I?m left to fix, reverse or handle the repercussions of the schedule not being followed. 

The sad thing is, if it was my mother not following the schedule, I?d be ok with it.  So I recognize that I?m not being fair to MIL.  Besides deep breaths, what do you recommend I do to get through the day?

jlaOK

My MIL is the same way.  She doesn't follow the schedule and will let DS eat/drink things that we don't approve of.  She lives a couple of hours away so usually she only sees DS when we go visit her or vice versa.  DS will be spending his first weekend with her in a couple of weeks.  Although, it bugs me that she intentionally "goes against" our rules, I just try to remind myself that she doesn't do it maliciously.  She tires to spoil DS and does this because she loves him.  In the big picture, a day or weekend off schedule matters less than having a grandparent in his life who loves him.

CrazyToast

It definitely sounds like YOUR issue.

I actually have less tollerance for my mother with her unsolicited advice - because she's always offering it.  My MIL does not.  My MIL and mother are bad at following schedules, but now that DD is 2, it doesn't matter so  much anymore.  Basically I wash my hands of the situation when grandmothers babysit, because DD will be fine.

EastCoastBride

Vincent:

I feel like she?s wronged me with her uninvited advice. 

On one hand I want to say "I need to know more", then on the other... I'm thinking "It's just advice- ignore it".  I'm trying to understand how advice can "wrong" you. 

As far as not following your schedule - either don't use her OR truly get over it.  You recognize that if it were your mom, you wouldn't care.  Put yourself in your DH's shoes.  How would you feel if he treated YOUR mom differently? 

 

ASmallWonder

mbenit4:

This really sounds like it is your issue. Sounds like you don't like MIL. Or for some reason you resent her. So any little thing she does will bother you whereas it is ok if your mom does it. It doesn't sound fair. And again, sounds like your own issue. I would be thankful DD has a grandmother who is involved. If you know your daughter is in good hands then I would be satisfied with that.

I agree with this.  It's one day and it's nothing harmful, on top of the fact that you admit you'd be ok with your mom doing the same thing.  You've got to let it go.

shannm

Be thankful that your MIL is alive and able to spend time with your LO.  That relationship is precious.  Foster it.

Vincent

Ok, I've heard the replies and I can accept what everyone is saying.  I do acknowledge that it's my problem.  Obviously I have some unexplained resentment that I need to let go of (it's much easier to say).  In my defense, I don't treat MIL differently and my intentions are not to cut a relationship off with her grandchild.  I guess I was just reaching out for some advice on dealing with a situation that in the eyes of most is not a big deal.

financialdiva

shannm:

Be thankful that your MIL is alive and able to spend time with your LO. nbsp;That relationship is precious. nbsp;Foster it.

Yup, this. Let go of your issues.

cecilyandgautam

You didn't give any details on how she's wronged you, which I assume is because you're trying really hard not to be a complainer or backbitter- which I get. It's commendable of you to try to deal with it on your end without mad mouthing her. 

In terms of forgiving past wrongs - it's hard.  All I can think of is to pray on it. I'm struggling with the same thing myself, and it's not easy. I mean, on the one hand you're grateful for all she's done; on the other, there are boundaries you need and until those are established and respected, everything feels like a slight and it's easy to over react.

In terms of avoiding history repeating itself, I'm finding it helpful to rehearse gentle but firm responses to the kind of boundary-crossing offenses that got us here. The book "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No" has some helpful suggestions on how to draw boundaries and stick to them when it comes to family members. It doesn't involve cutting people off, no matter how bad their behavior is, but it is a respectful way of protecting yourself from the destructive habits of others. 

Good luck! 

jlsimon56

I'm just going to add that I feel the same way.  My LO is home with my DH today and they're spending the day with MIL.  I worked on Saturday too and DH took LO to MIL then too.  I think half of me feels like I'm missing out (they're going to the pumpkin patch today) and the other half is just anger (based on past situations).  I appreciated reading the other replies b/c sometimes I think we just have to hear that kind of thing. 

MIL fed LO Kraft mac and cheese on Saturday.  I know I can't control it, but I can't help but be pissed that LO ate that crap.  Or should I say, didn't eat - since I saw it on her plate when I picked her up.

1026pumpkin

It's not clear what she did that upset you to begin with- it sounds like it was contradicting your parenting?  What I try to do when people give me advice that makes me feel like I'm being a bad parent is to remember that different things work for different people, and that I'm making the best decisions I can for my family, so if their advice isn't helpful to our situation, I ignore it.  It's hard, because it does feel like people are making digs at you- just remember that it's probably well-intentioned and it's based on their own opinions, not what's "right."

The other thing I have to remind myself over and over, is that just because someone isn't doing something the way I would do it, doesn't make it wrong.  Unless it's a major health or safety issue (like not using a car seat properly or feeding foods that are a choking hazard), I try to let it slide.  Just try to think of it as your daughter getting a special treat day with Grandma where some of the rules slide a little bit....as long as you stick to your schedule most of the time as the "routine," it will be pretty easy to get her back on track after grandma's "treats." 

jnealet

1026pumpkin:

The other thing I have to remind myself over and over, is that just because someone isn't doing something the way I would do it, doesn't make it wrong.  Unless it's a major health or safety issue (like not using a car seat properly or feeding foods that are a choking hazard), I try to let it slide.  Just try to think of it as your daughter getting a special treat day with Grandma where some of the rules slide a little bit....as long as you stick to your schedule most of the time as the "routine," it will be pretty easy to get her back on track after grandma's "treats." 

This has helped me get through a lot of things.  And I know its important for both girls to learn that people act and react differently. 

The other thing I say to myself often is "How big of a deal is this in the grand scheme of things?" Being off a day on a schedule isn't the end of the world.  If its not a big deal, then its not worth the energy to worry about.

Mrs E in Oregon

I know what it is like to have a MIL that has hurt you. And it sounds like she has disrespected you on too many occasions that this wound has not healed. My MIL would never admit she did anything wrong and I suspect yours would not either.

I have found that prayer/meditation has helped me see passed the smaller things and though I still keep my MIL at arms length, when she once again hurts me I realize her intent is to ruffle my feathers it takes everything within me to not respond and give her the satifaction of upsetting me. She keeps poking at an exposed nerve and if anyone were to do the same thing to you it would be a small prick but this becomes too sensitive. (BTW, if you are in your baby years, your MIL is probably in her menopause years and this may be causing some of her issues. My MIL is finished with all that and is finally acting more sane, maybe there is hope for yours too.)

I agree with others that the solution has to come from within you, but I completely understand why it hursst so bad. I hope you are able to rise above her and dismiss her because she is someone who should be in your childrens' lives.

If I could offer you a suggestion it is to make sure that your husband recognizes the hurt and is on your side. Help him understand why you are upset and that you recognize both the rational and irrational parts of this issue. My hubby realizes now, after not living with her for so long, that she really is a different kind of crazy. That and prayer/meditation might help/

 Good luck, you're not alone.