When would you consider yourself...

bumpuser794640

"paper pregnant"?  When you apply and are accepted with an agency, when your homestudy is complete, or something else?  Additional comments/discussion are welcome!
[Poll]

jillianmb

Because we TTC for over a year before starting our adoption process, I considered myself paper pregnant when we were accepted by our agency.  Some people compare the process of home study etc to the TTC process but I hated that comparison b/c in my mind TTC was full of disappointment and agony whereas when we started the adoption process I was filled with hope and excitement. I wanted (and needed) to move past the awfulness of TTC and IF and onto the excitement that comes with a "pregnancy."

So... I was paper pregnant as soon as we were officially accepted by our agency!

I have to add one more thing though- I'm always nice about it but inside I HATE it when my friends compare our adoption wait to a pregnancy because our son is already born.  In the beginning our projected wait was 9 months and people would say, "That's not so bad- it's just like being pregnant!"  Um- yea except he's already born and growing up without us.  It is not just the waiting that is so terrible for us; it's the missing out on his little years that's the hardest part.  I felt like saying, "How would you feel if you missed out on nine months of your child's life??"

Anyway, I know that's not what you were getting at but how I could I pass up that opportunity to vent.  Sorry so long! 

bumpuser794640

jillianmb:

I have to add one more thing though- I'm always nice about it but inside I HATE it when my friends compare our adoption wait to a pregnancy because our son is already born.  In the beginning our projected wait was 9 months and people would say, "That's not so bad- it's just like being pregnant!" 

I totally get what you're saying!  That would bug me too.  I feel like the adoption process is more like an elephant's gestation period (22 months, I think?), but I like making the analogy to pregnancy simply because I haven't been blessed to have that particular experience.  I kind of wish adopting was more like being pregnant, since when you're pregnant you can *usually* know about where you'll be in the process in X number of months, and you can plan things like when you'll go out on maternity leave with much more certainty than you can via adoption.

jillianmb

GnomeSweetGnome:

jillianmb:

I have to add one more thing though- I'm always nice about it but inside I HATE it when my friends compare our adoption wait to a pregnancy because our son is already born.  In the beginning our projected wait was 9 months and people would say, "That's not so bad- it's just like being pregnant!" 

I totally get what you're saying!  That would bug me too.  I feel like the adoption process is more like an elephant's gestation period (22 months, I think?), but I like making the analogy to pregnancy simply because I haven't been blessed to have that particular experience.  I kind of wish adopting was more like being pregnant, since when you're pregnant you can *usually* know about where you'll be in the process in X number of months, and you can plan things like when you'll go out on maternity leave with much more certainty than you can via adoption.

I hear ya!  I'm also laughing out loud at the comparison to an elephant's gestation.  Might just have to repost that on my blog FB page!  And tweet it too.  :-)

IRR

Jillian I hear you and agree that is tough.  For newborn adoptions I think it is when you are matched.  Some people match really quickly, others not so quick and then some match with EM at 12 weeks so there is still 6 months and x number of day hours of waiting for the TPR.

DaisyZH

I voted for homestudy approved - that is when you are "expecting" a call so that's what I'd guess.  But really I think even being accepted to an agency is such a monumental step towards becoming a parent, it's not really applicable to a pregnancy comparison but I think that's the first "milestone" in adoption if that makes sense

summergirl79

Not sure when I first heard those words used so we never really considered or used them-- ironically (and lucky for us) from our first meeting with our social worker to the day our son was born was a little over 9 months. We figured our application went in right around the time our son was conceived!

srmmm09

I put homestudy, but I didn't consider us to be "waiting" until we submitted our petition to adopt with US Immigration Services. Kind of a random step, but that's I think when it felt like we were going to have a child....?

Perhaps it really is just a personal thing. 

Junebride007

I don't plan on telling anyone "officially" besides a couple close friends that are helping with the process until we are home-study approved. That is when I feel that we will be "waiting" for that phone call.

CaptainSerious

I think this is one of those things that's different for each couple, and each process, because circumstances vary so much.  I considered us "paper pregnant" when we were approved to adopt by Peru, so about 1.5 years into our process to adopt M.  I guess that correlates to when your profile goes live for the domestic process.  For J, I really didn't have a moment, perhaps because I always knew we were working to bring him, specifically home.

It's sort of like how I consider different times our "gotcha day" for each boy.  For M, it was the day we met him, because we were waiting and working so long and just dying to meet him.  But for J, it was the day we took custody, because it was the first day he was "ours," even if he wasn't legally our son yet.

CaptainSerious

jillianmb:

I have to add one more thing though- I'm always nice about it but inside I HATE it when my friends compare our adoption wait to a pregnancy because our son is already born.  In the beginning our projected wait was 9 months and people would say, "That's not so bad- it's just like being pregnant!"  Um- yea except he's already born and growing up without us.  It is not just the waiting that is so terrible for us; it's the missing out on his little years that's the hardest part.  I felt like saying, "How would you feel if you missed out on nine months of your child's life??"

Oh Jillian, YES!  For me it wasn't specifically the pregnancy comparison that got under my skin, but when people would try to talk me down when I was upset about unforeseen delays, new requirements, and ridiculous requests by the Peruvian authorities by telling me that it all was for a good cause--they were just trying to be absolutely certain we would make good parents.  I can't tell you how many times people would say that and then say something like, "It's only going to delay you a few days/weeks/month or so, that's not so bad."  <<<HULK SMASH!!!>>>

When I told the receptionist at our psychiatrist's office that it took us just over 9 months from when we started the process to when we received our first request for more information from Peru in J's adoption (they wanted us to get a referral from a psychiatrist), and she made the pregnancy comparison and told me how quickly our process went, did she get an earful!  Not only I did ask her the above bolded question, I went on to explain that I had never met a pregnant couple that had to get a referral of good mental health from a psychiatrist, let alone to submit a homestudy, psychological report, and medical certification to be able to have a child.  Nor, I went on, did any pregnant couple have to do all this less than 12 months after they were already judged fit to have a child by the very same governing body!  I also pointed out that it took us 2.5 years to adopt M, which way exceeded any gestation period for any animal I ever heard of.  I explained in no uncertain terms that I hadn't just been waiting 9 months for my child--he had been living without a family to love him, in an institutionalized setting, for 9 months while we were bogged down with unnecessary paperwork.

She apologized and I have to admit, it felt good to point all that out.

jillianmb

CaptainSerious:

jillianmb:

I have to add one more thing though- I'm always nice about it but inside I HATE it when my friends compare our adoption wait to a pregnancy because our son is already born.  In the beginning our projected wait was 9 months and people would say, "That's not so bad- it's just like being pregnant!"  Um- yea except he's already born and growing up without us.  It is not just the waiting that is so terrible for us; it's the missing out on his little years that's the hardest part.  I felt like saying, "How would you feel if you missed out on nine months of your child's life??"

Oh Jillian, YES!  For me it wasn't specifically the pregnancy comparison that got under my skin, but when people would try to talk me down when I was upset about unforeseen delays, new requirements, and ridiculous requests by the Peruvian authorities by telling me that it all was for a good cause--they were just trying to be absolutely certain we would make good parents.  I can't tell you how many times people would say that and then say something like, "It's only going to delay you a few days/weeks/month or so, that's not so bad."  <<<HULK SMASH!!!>>>

When I told the receptionist at our psychiatrist's office that it took us just over 9 months from when we started the process to when we received our first request for more information from Peru in J's adoption (they wanted us to get a referral from a psychiatrist), and she made the pregnancy comparison and told me how quickly our process went, did she get an earful!  Not only I did ask her the above bolded question, I went on to explain that I had never met a pregnant couple that had to get a referral of good mental health from a psychiatrist, let alone to submit a homestudy, psychological report, and medical certification to be able to have a child.  Nor, I went on, did any pregnant couple have to do all this less than 12 months after they were already judged fit to have a child by the very same governing body!  I also pointed out that it took us 2.5 years to adopt M, which way exceeded any gestation period for any animal I ever heard of.  I explained in no uncertain terms that I hadn't just been waiting 9 months for my child--he had been living without a family to love him, in an institutionalized setting, for 9 months while we were bogged down with unnecessary paperwork.

She apologized and I have to admit, it felt good to point all that out.

You are my hero. 

CaptainSerious

jillianmb:

You are my hero. 

Oh, believe me, it was the venting of a lot of pent-up stress, anger, and frustration.  I hope you never come to that point, although it is a relief to be able to point out someone's thoughtless comments can be hurtful every once in a while.

MarionB79

I chose home study and that was also what our agency said. I'm so glad we started to nest after our home study was turned in and we were on the list, because had we waited until we were matched, we would have had exactly one day. ;o)