Talking about adoption

ILoveBoys

I've never posted here before, but am looking for advice...

 Backstory: I got pg in college and the birthfather decided he didn't want to be in DS's life. He had some father issues himself (never met his) and was afraid he wouldn't love him. I married my husband when DS was 14 months old. He's been in his life since he was 5.5 months old. The adoption was finalized right before he turned 2. DS is 7.5 now.

So DS doesn't know anything about the fact that my husband isn't his birthfather. The only reason he would know now is if he looked in his baby book (his last name was my last name when he was born), looking at photos (my husband wasn't in them for a while obviously), or if we talked about it.

I don't really know how to handle this. We've talked before about adoption being a great thing because the person who adopts you CHOOSES you to be in their family. (In relation to God adopting us to be His children through Jesus) But we've never taken that step to tell him that HE is adopted by my husband.

Oh, and our other DS and DD look JUST like my husband. DS1 looks more like me (obviously). People comment on that all the time. Sorry this is long...

jillianmb

First of all, welcome and thanks for sharing your story.  There is not really a nice way to say this but please know I say it to help you, not to hurt you: you made a mistake by not talking to your DS earlier about this.  That said, I think it is really good that you want to address it now and I think that shows a lot of strength of character on your part.

I think you need to sit down and tell your son the truth.  "I have something important to talk to you about" is a good starter, and then go back to the beginning.  Depending on how much your DS knows about reproduction, you might have to start by saying something like, "Do you know that all babies are made by a man and a woman?  God puts an egg in the woman and a seed in the man and God designed it that the seed and the egg mix and that's what makes a baby." 

 Then you will need to tell him that his dad IS his dad forever, but it was another man who made him in the beginning.  That man is called__________ (you can pick the term- use his name, call him the birth father etc) and even though he made your DS he was not able to take care of DS and that made him very sad.  But when he was still a baby his dad met him and fell in loved with him and wanted to be his dad forever- and now he is!

 You will need to apologize and say, "I'm sorry I did not tell you this before." and answer his questions honestly but at an age appropriate level.  He might have tons of questions and he might not have any for a while as he processes the information.  

Many ((hugs)) to you as you navigate this difficult situation. I have confidence that you will do just fine.  

Art Teacher

I would start talking about it with him now.  I would explain that he had a birthfather who wasn't able to parent at the time.  I would explain how your DH adopted your son and how the adoption was finalized around age 2. 

There are so many great pictures books out there for kids...we love The Family Book and We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families - both are by Todd Parr.  Maybe use a book to start your conversation with your soon.  Maybe have pictures on hand to show him what his birthfather looks like.  Be open to your son's questions if he has any. 

 

 

CaptainSerious

I would just tell him, in a way he can understand.  It can be simple at first, with more facts added in as he processes it and grows older.

"DS, you were born before I even met Daddy.  You and I were living alone, and Daddy fell in love with us both, so he married me and adopted you!"

As he gets older, he'll likely have questions about his biological father.  If he doesn't, I'm of the mind you should bring it up anyway. (My son always said he didn't have a father.  We're pretty sure he wasn't just rejecting him, either, but really believed he only had a biological mother.  We remind him from time to time that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby, so he definitely had a father in his early life.)

"I was in a relationship with a man I loved/cared about very much, and we made you together.  We were very young, though, and he wasn't able to be a father to you.  So you and I lived alone together until Daddy came along...."

There are articles that say it's better to tell kids all the details of their past/adoption before they become a teenager.  At a younger age, they tend to handle what we would consider traumatic news better, and just accept it as fact.  Sure they'll revisit it and may change their thoughts about it over time, but if they find out when they are older, they typically rebel against it and lose trust in you because you "hid" the truth from them.  In my experience, this seems to be true so far with my son.

ETA:  Although your son will likely go through periods where he experiences feelings of loss or abandonment because his birth father "rejected" him, I think it's important to present the news in a positive way.  If you explain it in an apologetic or negative tone, he will read that, and think that there is a reason to be sad about his life story.  Presenting it as a happy story about how your family came together will help him feel more at ease with the new facts.

That being said, please don't dismiss any feelings of rejection or loss you son may feel just because he's been lucky enough to have your husband in his life as long as he can remember.  He's still likely to wonder why his birth father (bf) "didn't want" him, to romanticize what bf was like, and to be angry/sad/hurt about the fact that bf's not in his life.  And, quite frankly, he should be entitled to those feelings without you or your husband feeling slighted.

Dr.Loretta

To follow off on the others:

I wouldn't necessarily make it a big bomb-dropping discussion. I'd try to incorporate it into conversations about family. Maybe start by pulling out his baby book and talking through the pages and pictures. A lightbulb may go off in his head that Daddy isn't in the early pictures, or not. You can use that opportunity to say, "See, this is when Mommy met Daddy. And then we fell in love and became a family together." Then briefly explain he had a birthfather and answer any questions he has. Or if you talk about adoption in a religious context, segueway into how God's will is sometimes borne out in humanity, such as when your DH adopted your son.

He may surprise you and know/understand more than you think he does.

And as CS noted, he may express some sadness, either that he doesn't know his BF, or that your DH isn't his bio dad. I think the key there is to empathize with him. "Yeah, I wish Daddy could have been your Daddy all along too. But I'm glad we're a family now." Etc.

JMay

Hi There - I hate to pop in and disagree with the PPs, but that is what I'm here to do.

My mother was married for 6 years before I came along. When I was 6 months old, my parents divorced, and my bio dad chose to remove himself from my life. About the time I was 2, my mother started dating an old flame from college. When I was 3, my mother and her old flame (aka "Daddy") got married.  The only "clue" I had to the fact that "Daddy" wasn't my bio dad was, like you, old photos, a baby book that includes facts such as living with my grandparents for a while, and of course, the fact that I was at the wedding.  No one told me anything about this, and I didn't start asking questions until I was 12 or so.  When I asked questions, they were answered honestly, fully, and without shame or any air of secrecy.  Nothing was kept from me, it just wasn't something that needed to be focused upon. 

Because of the way it was handled, I never felt any negative feelings or questioned the situation or my place in it or the family. At one point in my teenagehood, during a typical teen-parent arguement, my mom made the mistake of deciding my teen behavior was related to my Dad not being my Dad.  I was shocked because it couldn't have been further from the truth - I hadn't even thought of it - I was just being a teen!  My Dad has always done what mattered most - he was there. He loved me, cared for me, cooked for me, supported me, sang me songs, told me stories, held my hand, etc, etc, etc.  He has always been my Father in the fullest sense of the word, and he has told me on a few occasions "Sweetie, most people have to take what they get. But I got to know you, love you and choose you".

I think that if I had been "sat down" for a conversation I might have felt more drama than was necessary.  I'm sure that 7 or 8 would have been too young for me to truly comprehend things the way I did at 12 and older. Also, I think that having the conversation come from me was important too - no one was hiding anything, nor were they making an issue of the fact. We were just living as a family and that was that.  I think bringing the topic to me might have broken my heart, whereas dealing with it the way they did simply allowed me to digest pieces of information slowly, as I asked questions, and enabled me to accept the situation on my level, at a pace that was appropriate for me.

I know its just one situation, one example, but I've thought on occasion how I would handle things if DH and I ever adopt, which led me to (remember) how I was told, and to be grateful for it.  I just wanted to share another perspective.  Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

(p.s. thanks Ladies for allowing me to crash and post - I still lurk a bit & hope you are all doing well)

Jenna 

Edit to Add: Thinking about it more, I think that on some level, because I was at the wedding, I always "knew" and therefore was not shocked by the info - once I started asking questions my revelation was more along the lines of "oh. that makes sense."

theroadahead

I have a very similar story, but I'm the child in this equation. I too didn't know that I wasn't my dad's biological child until I was 10, when I was looking through my baby stuff and realized that at one point I had mom's maiden name. But he adopted me when I was 2... almost just like your story. When I asked my parents about it I was hurt that they didn't tell me sooner. It didn't change my feelings towards who my dad was at all. I have learned to embrace it, I recently got a tattoo honoring my dad for being so willing to step up and be with someone who already had a child. I think you need to have this convo asap! Good luck. Feel free to PM if you would like. 

ILoveBoys

Thank you everyone for your replies on my question!

We do have photos around the house of the wedding, so he does know he was there when we got married. We look at photos from time to time but he's never asked any questions.

 He is, even at 7.5, my child who needs things explained to him, he doesn't pick up on subtle cues very much.   I'm going to discuss this further with my husband, and probably begin shedding light on this to our son soon. I do have photos of his BF, but my mom keeps them in her safe at her home. I just don't want it to turn into what PP mentioned; telling him as a teenager and him doing the whole You're not my dad thing. The thought breaks my heart. I appreciate your all's responses and personal stories.

Thanks again!