Visiting the cemetery

jess123456

Hey girls,

 

I hope it's ok that I share this with you because I know that you will understand.

I am having lots of guilt about the fact that we still haven't been emotionally ready to get a custom plaque made for Grace's grave and the ceremony was almost a month ago. I got as far as getting the name of a monument company at the funeral home. I feel guilty because she deserves a proper plaque.

I also feel guilty that I haven't built up the courage to visit her grave since we buried her on September 8. I know there is no should and I find myself talking to her throughout the day anyway because I believe she is here with us in spirit but I can't help but feel that guilt. I feel selfish for not going because I should be able to get over my emotions and be there for my daughter

This week at work is also very stressful and I feel like I am a total mess.  Good thing I have a therapy appointment tomorrow because I apparently have a lot to share  

Anyway, thanks for listening. 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Oh sweetie!  It's ok!  After Corbin's service, I vowed to go all the time.  DH is fine with me going by myself but that first time he wanted to go with me.  We went the 1 time together and then I went once by myself.  I didn't go for a while after that.  I try to make it a point to go at least once a month but it doesn't always happen.  We just moved and actually live a lot closer to where he is so I tend to visit a little more now if I'm in the area. 

For the longest time I felt like a horrible mommy for not visiting or when I did visit, not staying long.  One time when I went I told Corbin I was sorry that I don't come to visit more often.  He told me "mommy, it's ok, I'm not there anyway, I'm up here!"  It makes me feel better.  There's no magic amount of visits or time that makes you a bad or good mommy.  No matter how often you go, you're the best mommy in the world.  I know that's hard to accept but it's true.  Our angels want us to take care of ourselves - and if that means not going to the cemetery, it's ok.

 

Wishing you peace and love

starburst0928

My son's service was yesterday. I visited him today and it took all that was in me not to dig him up and hold him in my arms again. I want to go visit him everyday but I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it.

You're not a bad mommy because she's not at her grave, just her body. Your baby is always with you. She doesn't want to see you so upset. She's at peace, and that's all she wants for you.

ally2011

Sweetie, let that guilt go!  My daughter (also named Grace) was born May 4, 2011....and it was September before I had her stone ordered and down.  And quite honestly, if my husband and dad had not put pressure on me, it might have been 6 more months.  I also don't visit her grave except on holidays or occasions...she is not there, I know she is with her Creator and is in perfect peace.  I actually have guilt over not going on the anniversary of my EDD, September 20, but am trying to follow my own advice.  

Losing a child is indescrible, do not put pressure on yourself to do anything on a certain timeline....you will do it when you are ready.  You are not supposed to have to order a gravestone for your baby....it makes it feel real, and I think that is why we struggle with it.  A lot of women have felt the same way.

We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Jenn 

rlajambe

I told my mom when I had my loss that I didn't want to bury our Isabelle.  I knew that I would never go to a burial site.  That's why we had her cremated.  We always have her with us.

You are not a bad mommy for not visiting the gravesite or getting her plaque done.  You are doing the best that you can.  These things are really hard to deal with.

Big {{HUGS}}

 

alyson523

I have never visited this board, but my son has been on my mind quite a bit lately.  Most likely because my due date is looming...

When I lost Callan, I went to the cemetery every day, some days I went multiple times.  I just could not get over the fact that I had to leave him there.  It broke my heart to just walk away from the grave, much less get in the car and drive away. 

I was lucky because my father works for the funeral home we used to make all our preparations.  To be honest, I was such an emotional wreck, that my father pretty much took the lead with the decisions and was able to help us through everything.  He contacted the monument company and met with them, but ultimately we had the final say as to how his name was to be put on the stone. 

Recently, I have found myself feeling extremely guilty for not going to the cemetery as often as I was.  I went several weeks without visiting.  I just can't stand leaving...and honestly, as close as I feel to him at the cemetery, I also know that he's with me in my everyday life.

Do not feel selfish...Allow yourself to feel everything.  We lost Callan in April, and I still think about him every single day.  I still cry.  I know it gets easier, and since we lost him, things seem to have gotten easier, but I wonder now if I'm just numb...It still hurts so much that it often takes my breath away.  In the beginning you have so many bad days that it seems like the good ones will never come.  Before you know it, you've found a way to live with the pain without forgetting it.  Some days it's like a throbbing headache that's just nagging you and other days it's a debilitating migraine and you can't get out of bed. 

Life has a way of going on while your whole world is crashing down.  It's ok to get lost in the rubble...you lost a baby, and no one should ever have to experience that.  You are a strong person, even though you may not realize it.

Everything will get done in it's own time - When you are ready...there are no time lines or deadlines...

I wish there were words to make it easier, but I know there are none...

 

"An Angel in the Book of Life, wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for Earth".