Postpartum Depression

Intro, feeling helpless

Hi everyone. I feel pretty horrible having to post here but I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

I love my little baby so much, and I feel immensely guilty that I'm having issues.

I'm constantly afraid she is going to die of SIDS. My anxiety when she goes to bed skyrockets. I'm always checking her breathing. My anxiety increased the moment I became pregnant. I became scared of driving - the thought of getting in the car made me feel sick. Now, it's my irrational fear of SIDS. The fear that she will go to sleep and won't ever wake up.

During the day, I am fine. I give her hugs and kisses and take care of her. I stare at her and think about how much I love her and how beautiful she is. We go out and go for walks and do other activities. It's at night time when I feel otherwise.

When she gets up in the middle of the night to feed, I feel depressed. Sad, helpless and hopeless. When she doesn't go back to sleep right away I get frustrated with her. (and yet I have anxiety about SIDS - this makes no sense to me... I'm scared of her sleeping and yet I want her to go to sleep?)She's just an innocent little baby who doesn't deserve anything but my love, and yet, last night I wanted to bang my head against the wall and just cry. And why? Because I feel exhausted? She wasn't even doing anything wrong. She ate and then she was happily looking around the room. All I could think looking at her was "why won't you sleep?" I just wanted to sit there and cry.

Sometimes I feel angry and I scare myself. I think... what if I was one of those people who shook their baby? If anything ever happened to her I couldn't live with myself. 

I feel embarrassed and I feel like I'm a horrible mother. I just need to know how I can help myself. I want to be the best mother I can be.  

Me: 27 DH: 28
Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
DD born August 31, 2012
Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
Round two - ? 

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Re: Intro, feeling helpless

  • I am sorry you are feeling this way, I totally understand. Don't feel embarrassed, so many of us have these same feelings. I recommend talking to your OB about it. I ended up with PPD, took meds and had some therapy sessions and it made a world of difference. 

    Lillian April 17, 2012
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. I could've written the same post, almost word for word. So I know how you are feeling. Call and make an appointment with your OB. Hopefully they will refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist. My insurance covers therapy sessions! There's also PPD support groups you can attend. Check out postpartum.net.
    Good luck.
  • Loading the player...
  • Thank you to both of you!

    In the past week I have started feeling a lot better. I am still going to mention this to my OB, but I've found that I'm progressing a lot on my own. I have started taking vitamins and eating better to try and help myself without medical intervention and it seems to be helping me a lot. I've been doing the middle of the night feedings on my own and I'm coping well. I read my post now and realize just how depressed I was feeling. I still feel emotional at times but overall I've improved.

    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

    image


    image image image
  • That's great! Keep eating right and taking walks! Make it a priority to take some time just for yourself. Think of yourself as a cup; you can't keep pouring out and pouring out without putting something back in. Sounds kind of weird but that's something my therapist said that stuck with me. Also, when you start to feel overwhelmed by frustration in the middle of the night, just put the baby down in her crib. She might cry, but she'll be safe. I have to do this fairly often, and either take a few minutes to calm down or get DH to help. I don't know why the nights are so hard...
    Good luck, I hope you keep feeling better!
  • imagerocknrollfriend:
    That's great! Keep eating right and taking walks! Make it a priority to take some time just for yourself. Think of yourself as a cup; you can't keep pouring out and pouring out without putting something back in. Sounds kind of weird but that's something my therapist said that stuck with me. Also, when you start to feel overwhelmed by frustration in the middle of the night, just put the baby down in her crib. She might cry, but she'll be safe. I have to do this fairly often, and either take a few minutes to calm down or get DH to help. I don't know why the nights are so hard... Good luck, I hope you keep feeling better!

    I also wonder that, as that is when my anxiety seems to peak. Thanks for the encouraging words :)

    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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    image image image
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