Update on Ethan and I

starrdiva211

 I log on this morning and see that CurlingRocks was wondering about me... :-)

Well ladies, here is the update on Ethan and I:

I am adjusting to being at home. Every day gets a little easier without him being home. I will say that my mom being here this week is making it easier. She has done all of the cooking, she has done my laundry, some housecleaning etc (since I am still healing from the c-section). I do not know what I am going to when she leaves on Sunday. 

The Beau is handling things in his own way. My mom has been trying to get me and him to rest but, it has been easier said than done (yard work seems to be the thing that soothes him). He has been back to work also (he is a truck driver and has done a few loads this week). 

With the adjustments, I still cry a lot!!!! Any little thing can set me off. I am in mourning over the fact that I am not pregnant anymore and that I didnt do enough to keep him in etc... And dont get me started on  leaving Ethan...

As for my Scrappy Doo... he is doing okay. Yesterday he had a little set-back. One of his lungs collapsed. It has partially inflated back up but they are waiting on the recommendation from the surgeon if they want to put another tube in to inflate. The lung really isnt causing any other issues though (they discovered the lung when they were trying to see how he was healing from surgery). The nurses say that he seems he is ready to start breathing on his own but he just cant! All of the nurses say he is a feisty one and HE HATES THE TUBES AND CORDS! HE IS ALWAYS GRABBING AND PULLING FOR THEM. I had to reached in a number of times yesterday and move his hands away. And socks and mittens on his hands... of course he doesnt keep them on.  Other highlights... I got to take his temp and change his diaper and I hope that they start the feeds today.

And as far as the pumping... I gave it another try and almost had a panic attack. I produced but it hurt and I had many other thoughts going through my head. I told the lactation nurse what I had experienced and told her that I wouldnt try again and gave her what I had to start him off. (This is another thing that I cry about and failing even though I did try).

Well, I think that is everything...still taking my BP meds and slowly trying to ween myself from my pain meds but some days hurt more than others. Enjoy the pics!

thishappyhouse

he is beautiful.  I hope your family has smooth days ahead.  Be gentle to yourself mama!

starrdiva211

CurlingRocks:

I'm glad you are working through this!  You had me worried sick all week.  Your son is beautiful!  Is that you in the bottom pic?  You look really great, even though I know you don't feel it.

Set backs are the worst!  We've all had them.  You get a day (or a week) of progress and kind of lull yourself into thinking everything is fine, and then BAM!  Setback!  And the next thing you know you're a blubbery mess looking for the elusive Industrial-grade tissue box in the NICU.  Hang in there!  At least they found the collapsed lung in time to fix it.  I know that doesn't alleviate the pain, but it might make you feel better in time.

It sounds to me like your Beau is handling things fine.  Men don't deal with the emotions the way we do, which is super frustrating, but totally normal.  I used to get so upset when I'd be bawling and DH would be calm and rational.  But it is just how he deals with things, so I learned to let it go.  (Again, I'm going to recommend counseling because there is no way I could be so zen about it now without it, and I sure wasn't zen about it at the time.)

I still cry a lot in mourning of my PGs.  It decreases with time and perspective, but it takes a LONG time to get there.  Let yourself grieve.  There's no right or wrong way to do it, as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others.  I'm so glad to see that you are so honest about what you are feeling; that is a huge accomplishment!  I hope you'll stop saying the "F" word about yourself because it just isn't true.  You have done and continue to do everything in your power to keep Ethan healthy.  That is how I define success. 

Glad to hear you gave pumping another shot.  But again, don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out the way you planned.  The most important thing is that Ethan gets a full belly and grows.  Most of us have given our kids formula.

Keep coming back for support.  We love to give it!  :Hugs:

 

Yes that is me in the bottom picture. Thanks for the compliment but OMG I look a hot mess in that bottom picture. 

So a quick update...  wasn't able to start feeding this week. There is still leakage at the top of his esophagus. The game plan now is to try and let it heal on its own. They will do another check next Thursday to see if it has healed. If it has not, it will be another surgery :-( 

His lung is almost back inflated. There is a little portion that is still not inflated but they do not think it will be necessary to go in and add another tube. 

So a half step forward from the 2 steps back over these past few days.