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Greco1014
member
Carrying on the family name...ugh!
Greco1014
member
Three years ago, when I got married, I took my husband's name. I did that because A) I was excited about getting married and name changing seemed like a part of the whole tradition, 
it was important to my husband, C) it seemed less complicated than hyphenating or keeping my name, and D) I knew my husband and I would eventually have a family, and I wanted us all to have the same last name. Nowadays, I wouldn't say I regret that decision, but I do have mixed feelings about it. It just doesn't seem fair that women are usually expected to give up that part of their identities, and men aren't. I know that more women today keep their names, but I still wouldn't call that the norm. Anyway...
DH and I recently had our first LO, a son--and the first grandchild for both families. When FIL and I are talking alone (he visits his grandson while DH is at work), he has told me twice--TWICE!--that between his two sons, he had hoped for at least one grandson to "carry on the family name." Well, I guess he got his wish!
I know that the whole "carrying on the name thing" is something lots of guys care about, and FIL can feel how he feels, but I wish he'd stop telling ME about it. I know he probably has no clue, but it just seems insensitive to talk about the importance of one's last name to a girl who gave up her own name. Plus, there aren't many people to carry on my family's name...just my brother, but I wouldn't be surprised if he never gets married.
The last two times I just smiled and nodded at FIL. If he brings it up a third time (which he probably will, since he has a tendency to repeat himself) I'm thinking about saying something like, "That's actually a sore subject for me, since I've got no chance of carrying on MY family's name." I don't expect FIL to get it, but it might make me feel better.
FWIW, I told DH how I felt, and he thinks I need to lighten up and cut his dad some slack. I don't think that's fair...it's not like I'm yelling and screaming about this. Besides, DH still HAS his last name...
Do any of you feel the same way about this sort of thing? Also, how many of you bucked tradition with your or your LO's last names?
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Re: Carrying on the family name...ugh!
As a husband who's wife took his last name I just wanted to lend my perspective on this.
When I was around the age of 10 my mother took ALL of us, including my father, to the courthouse to have ALL of our middle names changed to her maiden name. So for most of my life my name has both my mother's side and my father's side represented. I have never had a problem with that, and I love having both sides represented in my name.
My wife took my last name because she is not comfortable with her last name, and what it represents to her in terms of her youth and her family experience. She looked forward to changing her name when we got married.
If, down the road, she wanted to do what my mother did with us, I probably would go along with it. Our children are from her as much as they are from me, so representing that family background is kind of cool.
My only probelm with what you wrote would be how you got to this point in the first place. My wife and I had multiple conversations about the name change thing, so the idea that she would ever change her mind about it seems pretty remote. You seem very emotionally invested in it currently, so I wonder if you had the same mindset before you made the change.
As far as the FIL....they are what they are, and there will never be anything you can do about that. Expecting your husband to have issue with his father is not realistic, in my opinion. Son's simply are trained, from a very young age, that we do not step to our father's that way...in essence, they get a pass. My father can still say things that make me pause for a second and adjust how I talk to him. Mother's on the other hand....I will always stand up for my wife to my mother.
Men say stupid things all the time...we do not have that filter to recognize the words we are using may make other's uncomfortable or hurt them.
Maybe, as a family, you all can do what my family did to incorporate both families into the names.
I guess I'm a minority but when my fiance and I get married I will be proud to take his last name and I was proud to have a baby boy with him that will "carry the family name" (seriously, while I would have been happy to have a girl, I was happy with a boy for many reasons but this included). I certainly respect your opinion and personally see absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel but I just wanted to offer my opinion on handling FIL.
I was raised old-fashioned and Southern and I feel that FIL is probably a product of his environment and generation, raised in a time when the paternal line was hyper-important and as PP said, you took DHs LN willingly so FIL probably has no idea that you feel how you do. If I felt how you do and I were in your shoes I would grin and bear out of deference to his feelings in respect of his age. Saying something will probably make him feel uncomfortable (that he may have offended you), at best, or may even hurt his feelings. Is it so important to you to tell him you feel that you may make him feel bad or can you know how you feel but just let him be proud of his grandson? Take that for what it's worth, but I am aware that I am old-fashioned in a lot of ways and I hope this doesn't come across as judgemental in anyway; that's not my intention. I just wanted to offer a different perspective. Good luck!
I identify with strong feminist values and truly hate to have to raise a daughter in such a patriarchal society.
My daughter, and her name, should be considered to be just as important and valuable as any man.
She has both of our last names, and while it is long, I am proud of that fact. She can pick who she wants to be as she gets older and shorten and change if she so desires.
While I can appreciate this 100%, being the product of a household that had a strong, feminist mother, there are always two sides to a coin.
As strongly as you feel about this, there are also women out there who look forward to taking their husbands last name, for various reasons. My wife is strong, independent and very progressive in here beliefs. Her taking my last name does not mean she is failing in her feminist ideals. Nor does it mean that our household is patriarchal. My wife and I are equal partners in our relationship, and we make decisions together, based on what we feel is best for our family. My wife made the decision to change her name independent of how I felt about it, one way or the other.
Being traditional does not always mean that oppressive, social practices are being followed blindly because of some underlying reason. Traditional does work for many, many progressive, forward thinking couples in some areas, and this is one of them. My wife having my last name as her own does not mean that I own her, or that I control her. It means we are a family, and that is how we have decided to define our family when it comes to our last name. This decision was made out of love, not control and oppression.
The flaw in this logic is that your maiden name is still your father's name...therefore it's still patriarchal. There really is nothing, in my opinion, feminist about keeping your last name. You're keeping your father's name... I don't see anything wrong with keeping your maiden name...to each his own. I just hate this argument in regards to that.
That being said, I happily took my husband's name when I married him. When we found out we were having a son, DH told me that it was important to HIM that we give our LO my dad's name as his middle name. There is no one to carry on my family name, and this was DH's way of making sure that some part of my family carried on. Turns out, DS is now a 3rd generation of this name (I had no idea until after he was born) AND the name was also my maternal grandfather's name... Perhaps down the line, OP, you could do something similar to pay homage to your ancestry.