Needing to vent

IRR

Sorry if this may offend any BM's out there, but I just need to get this off my chest before calling the EM we are hoping to adopt from.  I send text messages or call to see how she is feeling, how an appointment went or how her children are doing every week or so.  Not once have I heard the question back about "how I am doing".  With every contact there is more drama, more stress on her part and oh yes more expenses she is hoping that we will pay for her.  Not once have I heard, how is your new job, how are you feeling, are you getting excited that my due date is soon.  Not once have a received a thank-you for paying the expenses we are paying.  Or a thank you for making sure our lawyer calls her back when she has an issue.  Are all BM's self consumed during this time that it is "all about them"?  Perhaps this is so, but I really needed to get this out before making a phone call I am dreading to make.

MayDayGirl

Honestly, this seems normal to me. And to be entirely honest, it is easy to go into selfish mode while pregnant. Everything is more work, everything is more tiring, you are constantly focused on the baby and your body and the upcoming arrival. I can't imagine adding the idea of placing your baby with someone else.

You have, I assume, plenty of friends and family asking how you are. It is possible you are one of the only ones asking her. My dd's Bm didn't tell a soul she was even pg. IMO it is your job to take care of her during this time, not vice versa.

MayDayGirl

Ugh! It cut out my parenthesis , I wrote that my dd's Bm didn't tell a soul. That did not flow well

DaisyZH

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, I don't have personal experience but I would imagine that the EM just has so much drama and emotions going on that she doesn't think to ask how you are feeling too.  I don't think she doesn't care, it's just that she has a lot going on, especially if she also has kids to take care of. 

As far as thank-yous it's probably just expected that you will do everything you can to make the adoption go smoothly - I don't mean to sound insensitive at all, I totally get what you are saying as I know this is a tumultuous time for you too. 

Take a deep breath and vent as much as you need to before making that phone call so that you can stay calm and positive with her.  Try to be as supportive as possible, I know it's hard when it feels like a one-way street but you are both in this together and if she has drama and stress she might really need you now. 

(( Hugs )) I hope the call goes well.

kmkaull2

This is a safe place to vent.  I understand your frustration.

To answer your question, I think a lot of pregnant women become self-consumed.  There's a lot of attention, hormones, and stress in typical situations.  Add to that someone considering adoption, and I imagine this woman's stress level is through the roof.

I do believe that the relationship between adoptive mother and birth (or expectant) mother is like no other.  I have a different dynamic with my son's birth mom than I do with anyone else in the world.  It is both deeply bonded, and forever evolving.  There's always that underlining thread that I am parenting her baby---the one thing in the world she wanted to do. I could never understand that pain, so I just try to keep it in mind whenever she leaves me scratching my head.

My advice to you is to figure out a way to navigate this relationship.  As PP mentioned, you probably have others in your life to inquire about your feelings.  You're not going to get it from her.  So let it go and concentrate on being a good support to her right now.  Best of luck! 

IRR

Thanks all for responding.  Call went well.  I know I try to stay very positive with the EM.  Got through all the drama and explained why the lawyer isn't able to sometimes respond as quickly as she would like.  She did ask me if we picked names out yet, so I shared the three with her we are considering, but told her we wanted to wait until we actually see the baby to decide for sure. 

I did forget about the whole hormone thing, so thanks for the reminder there as well, since I am having some of my own today.

srmmm09

IRR:

Sorry if this may offend any BM's out there, but I just need to get this off my chest before calling the EM we are hoping to adopt from.  I send text messages or call to see how she is feeling, how an appointment went or how her children are doing every week or so.  Not once have I heard the question back about "how I am doing".  With every contact there is more drama, more stress on her part and oh yes more expenses she is hoping that we will pay for her.  Not once have I heard, how is your new job, how are you feeling, are you getting excited that my due date is soon.  Not once have a received a thank-you for paying the expenses we are paying.  Or a thank you for making sure our lawyer calls her back when she has an issue.  Are all BM's self consumed during this time that it is "all about them"?  Perhaps this is so, but I really needed to get this out before making a phone call I am dreading to make.

I'm glad this caught me on a good day because shoo-ee is that a generalization, and a pretty unkind one.

Honestly, I'm not sure I ever asked M's AM how she was doing. Honestly, she was 36 and I was 20. She was about to get a hoped-for child and I was about to lose someone I loved desperately. They didn't pay for birthmother expenses, and I didn't bring my drama into their lives bc I had others I could talk to, but I don't feel bad about not asking about her day. I experienced the worst loss of my life. The end.

Not really. I wish I had found a way to think about other things that she might be thinking - like that they kept M's name the way I wrote it - it wasn't a big deal, but I didn't communicate that to them. They were much more sensitive to our interactions than I was because I was more certain that I was going to place than I'm sure they allowed themselves to feel. I never thought to reassure them in particular words that there was no way I was going to back out. I thought it was understood (now, knowing adoption better, I can see why it might have been nice for me to keep reassuring them).

But truthfully, if one of my friends was in my situation, I'd certainly advise them to not worry about AM's feelings as much as making sure they don't come out the other side a complete emotional wreck.

[my tone is meant to be matter-of-fact, not upset. I know I can be terse.] 

Blsd4given

I'm going to get flamed like crazy for this.  But so be it.

I, personally, don't think it's too much for someone to say "Thank you" when you are doing all you can to make things go smoothly.  It's not OP's job to make sure the lawyer calls the EM back... But she does it to, presumably, help with some of the stress for the EM.  Why doesn't that deserve the courtesy of a "Thank you"?

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to place a child.... I probably wouldn't expect her to ask how I was... and if I'm excited.. etc etc.  That's probably too much for her right now.  I wouldn't expect that she would worry about my feelings all that much. 

But saying "Thank you"?  OP being obligated to pay expenses doesn't forego common courtesy when yet another unplanned expense is tacked on - and paid for.

kmkaull2

Blsd4given:

But saying "Thank you"?  OP being obligated to pay expenses doesn't forego common courtesy when yet another unplanned expense is tacked on - and paid for.

Not too much to ask, and I would like to be thanked, too.  But I also would have liked the guy whom I held the door open for this morning at the library to have said thank you.  Such is life, and you can't get too worked up about such things.  I think the point I was trying to make is that if OP wants a relationship with this EM, she is going to have to look past some of this stuff. 

So EM's manners are not perfect.  Or she's having mini-dramas every day.  She still may be a wonderful person who is going through hell.  Gotta bend a little and be understanding, you know?