I am a mess.

sloannmark

I'd stepped away from message boards for a while, trying to focus on work and my DH, but I had to post today because I'm sitting in my office going out of my mind.

I didn't know how hard October would hit me. My sons' due date was Oct. 30, and yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks, even just writing October and seeing a calendar. Today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant and would probably already have my twins in my arms.

And the worst part is watching life move on while my DH and I are stuck in our grief. Sure, we have good days and there is a lot in our lives that I'm thankful for, but to hear almost daily about pregnancies and our friends' children, it's torture. I am sensitive over everything. I'm tempted to step away from facebook for the month at least.

I'm bombarded by anniversary dates. Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, the 20th, 24th, and the 30th. I cry every day still. And my husband gets it, as he cries with me quite often.

Finally, I still haven't spoken one word to my parents, and I'm angier by the day that they haven't swallowed their pride to check in on their grieving daughter.

 

jbranden12

((hugs)). I am sorry you are having such a rough time. My due date was May 30, and I remember May 1 very clearly. It was incredibly difficult, because it was the month we had been looking forward to for so long. It was the month with which I answered a thousand times the question "So when are you due?!" It was the month we were supposed to bring home our daughter.

After her due date, the milestones became fewer and farther between, but no less difficult. Every month on the 30th, I think what life would be like if she were born alive. Sunday was her 6 month birthday, and I thought about what a big deal it would be if she were alive, half a year old! I miss her so much. 

I'm glad your DH understands your pain and supports you. Sending you wishes for peace and comfort during this month!

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.  My Corbin would be a year old on October 28th.  Writing and realizing yesterday that it's October hit me hard too.  We have so many friends who's little ones are turning a year old right now and it's killing me and making me miss him more than I already do.  His birth date was the 28th and his angel date is the 3rd so DH and I always have a rough week between those dates.  Seems like each month it gets worse instead of better.  I'm glad your DH has been there for you. 

I'm so sorry that your parents haven't contacted you.  Life is hard enough for us now without the added difficulties. Wishing you peace and love today and always.

yosemitemom

I am so sorry. Our daughter was due October 12 and the fact that it is October is really tough for me as well. I feel the weight of the significance of this month and it's a heavy load to carry. I haven't felt this way since the month we lost her. In the midst of grieving our loss, I have a dear friend that is due Oct. 16 and my sister is due in mid-November. Both expecting girls and we were all very excited to raise our daughters together. I am surrounded by triggers and some days I feel like I am dodging landmines.  

re: face.book I googled found a way online to block baby-related things from my feed. It's been a good for me. Someday I hope to reintroduce it back, but for now I feel better.  

Bayberry12

You know you can always come here when you need support, always. 

It's really hard to think about where you should be, or what things should be like...I don't know if we will every stop thinking about that.  

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now.  I have removed so many people from my FB news feed, I pretty much only use it to see what events are going on in my city.  Sometimes you just need to take care of your self, step away from FB if you think it will help.  

I hope you can find some peace as you get closer to your due date. 

OSUWifey09

I know exactly how you feel. Devon was delivered on August 19, and his due date was September 24...so all of September was so incredibly difficult for me. As I got through all the milestones, my anxiety lessened, but it was very tough. It didn't help that four friends on FB had babies during the week of my due date, and it made me bitter. I had to pull away for a bit to re-center myself.

I know the days are tough, but I hope they start to get better for you. Lots of hugs.

 

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I also took a little bump break, focusing on work. Then Annabelle's six month angelversary came and even though I thought I was doing okay, it hit me all over again! Our grief will never go away; it just changes.

This whole process sucks. I wish I could make it better for all of us. A FB break might be in order. I too get smacked in the face with pics of newborns since it seems everyone I know is pregnant or having a baby. You can also download unbaby me on Google Chrome, which will help take out a bunch of baby pics from your news feed if you still feel the need to get on there.

 

cmenasco

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, but I am right there besides you.  Our EDD was Oct 14 and this was suppose to be my last week of work.  It is so hard to be here at work and act normal when I feel like crying and screaming to everyone "I am suppose to be having my baby next week!!".  Hugs to you and I hope that one day we will be able to enjoy Oct as a happy month again.

buggirl72

{{hugs}} I dread February. Our EDD was 2/11 and I know the entire month will be terrible. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. 

karebear57

I'm so sorry for how your feeling. ((Hugs)) I'm approaching her 1yr and Jan. this yr was hard as she was due jan 17. I know just how you feel. And I am sorry your parents haven't been there for you. But we are always here when you need us and we understand. ((Great big hugs))

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry. Watching life move on is so hard. It is like we are just going through the motions some days. 

I know what you mean about days and dates. I was stubborn and determined that I would carry our boys to 35 weeks. That would have been 10.10. Sundays, Mondays the 17th and 25th are hard days for us. I lost it when a customer brought uo 6.25 the other day. I had to walk away. It was the first time I had seen the date written, other than in my typing for here.

I am sorry your parents are not there for you.

I wish you peace and comfort to get through the days.

a&aw12707

I am so sorry. I hate that your parents aren't being more supportive, having people behind you is so important. Huge hugs to you.

weddedwife

My EDD was March 3. February was awful and March even worse. I was so miserable. My son was born last Nov. and it is quickly approaching. I feel the anxiety mounting. I can't believe it's been a year; at times I look back and have no idea what happened to the last year of my life.

I blocked all things baby from my news feed. It helped a lot. Many people are still blocked; I don't know if/when I will unblock them.

I'm sorry your parents aren't supportive. My situation was very similar. Even though I do see and talk to them now they never mention Nathaniel or ask how I'm doing. My IL's have STILL never said a word to me about our loss. It's been very eye opening who was there for us and who wasn't. If you have someone supportive, lean on them. And we are here for you too!