Sex-less Marriage

allthegoodonesaretaken

I've had sex three times this year.  There are several factors that have contributed to the lack of sex.  Both DH and I have gone through some health issues so there was that.  And there was us just being on different pages about life in general.  We've been in counseling for a year and it has helped with many of our smaller issues.  We never really got to tackle the whole 'no sex' issue though.  The therapist says I'm being starved for affection. I want it so damn bad!  DH just hasn't had a sexual interest and now when he does,it's has been so long that it feels awkward when we try to start things.  How do we get past that awkward feeling?

littlebitta

Has he been evaluated for all the health issues, like testosterone level, etc? I know you said health issues, but I wasn't sure if that was one. So you two don't broach the topic together, or not with the therapist? How long have you been married? Has it always been like this?

swingerjane

Alcohol might help the first few times, although I personally think people can sometimes start to rely on alcohol to make sex work.  A couple of ideas:

-Be intimate without having sex.  Wear less clothes when you cuddle or go swimming together.  Take showers together.  Let him give you a bath.  Skin to skin will help a lot.

-Make out like teenagers but keep your clothes on.  Don't progress any further.  Then next time allow hands under clothes.  Then allow clothes to come off but don't go all the way.  The teasing will help you build up to the sex.

-Mutual masturbation.  Watching each other can be very erotic but takes the pressure off making each other orgasm/it feeling awkward because it's been so long.

CommieBasterd

It's going to be awkward the first time or 2 after a lull. Don't have high expectations. Sex tends to beget sex, so if you get through the 1st time then the 2nd time is going to be better and come faster than you think. Quality sex takes time. You will get there! 

 

itsseriousaeday

I totally agree with the PP's.

 

And, if your H is with you, you could try the "every day for a month" thing.  There's something to be said for saying that you will have sex every day, come hell or high water. It gets you back in the habit. It gets you familiar with each others bodies again.

 

CommieBasterd

I agree with the intimacy thing. Even just holding hands when you are sitting on the couch together (and actually sitting on the couch together if you are not) is a good way to have skin to skin without suggesting that sexy time is a comin'.

allthegoodonesaretaken

littlebitta:

Has he been evaluated for all the health issues, like testosterone level, etc? Yes.  There was some hormone stuff going on, but things are stable now.

I know you said health issues, but I wasn't sure if that was one. So you two don't broach the topic together, or not with the therapist? We do talk about it, and we did with the therapist as well.  But it was always secondary with the therapist.  For a long time it was just "I don't feel like it." and that was hard to argue with.

How long have you been married? Has it always been like this? Married 5 years, together 7.  No, it wasn't always like this. But the last 2-3 were definitely slower.  This is the the longest dry spell though.

AEAEAE101

Good advice so far.  Are you guys intimate with each other at all?  Holding hands, random pecks, smiles at each other? If you aren't doing these things, it will be difficult to dive right in.  It is going to be awkward the first few times, so maybe embrace it?  I would try some alcohol and wearing less clothes to start things.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

allthegoodonesaretaken

itsseriousaeday:

I totally agree with the PP's.

 And, if your H is with you, you could try the "every day for a month" thing.  There's something to be said for saying that you will have sex every day, come hell or high water. It gets you back in the habit. It gets you familiar with each others bodies again.

 

I've tried suggesting this.  I wanted to try it for one week.  I was even okay with just making out.  As long as there was physical contact each day I'm willing to count it. lol!  But unfortunately H didn't agree.

allthegoodonesaretaken

AEAEAE101:

Good advice so far.  Are you guys intimate with each other at all?  Holding hands, random pecks, smiles at each other? If you aren't doing these things, it will be difficult to dive right in.  It is going to be awkward the first few times, so maybe embrace it?  I would try some alcohol and wearing less clothes to start things.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

Yes.  We always hold hands.  I rub his back or give him a peck on the cheek when we are out and about.  

He's just so unhappy with his work situation right now.  I think he's borderline depressed but he only describes it as a 'funk.'  He is in a terrible mood most of the time and good moods can become bad moods in the blink of an eye. 

AEAEAE101

I've tried doing sex everyday for a week or a month to get us back on track.  It really backfired.  It made things more forced and awkward than they would have been naturally.  I think it works sometimes, but it is perfectly okay that it didn't work out.

+LEN+

AEAEAE101:

I've tried doing sex everyday for a week or a month to get us back on track.  It really backfired.  It made things more forced and awkward than they would have been naturally.  I think it works sometimes, but it is perfectly okay that it didn't work out.

 

I had a similar experience.

Maybe your DH needs to see the therapist on his own to talk about what is going on with him? Men's sexual performance is a big internal issue and not something they are typically comfortable with. There is a good chance that he doesn't feel like it because of something physical or psychological that is more than "just not feeling like it." 

littlebitta

We have definitely had times where things are not as good. A lot of my self worth is attached to feeling appealing to him, and when he's not interested, I am crushed. We have improved a LOT over the last couple years when we started really communicating about it. He's really opened up to discussing his feelings, like when he's depressed, etc. Having a bad work situation for your H can really turn things off.

Another big thing is not to talk about it when you're "In the moment." Do it during the day when neither of you is upset. Also make sure that you do try to do loving intimate things without the "pressure" of sex.

scarylala

We're in that same boat, too.  I think we've had sex 4 times in the last 12 months.  We haven't gone to counseling yet, but I think that we need to.  

DH also has no interest in it.  I'm pretty sure it's because of me.  I've gained weight since we've been married and I think he's no longer attracted to me.   

funkytown123

AEAEAE101:

I've tried doing sex everyday for a week or a month to get us back on track.  It really backfired.  It made things more forced and awkward than they would have been naturally.  I think it works sometimes, but it is perfectly okay that it didn't work out.

We had a similar experience. I wouldn't exactly say it "backfired" but around day 4 or 5, we both just wanted to take a few days off.