Am I a bad person because I don't want to do holidays with family?

hippehpanda

Let me start by saying last year, when I was pregnant life was rough in my house. Like so rough my husband and I nearly split, but we got through it had my son, and are all doing really great at being a happy family.

My son was born at the end of January,  just after all of the holiday stress had finally subsided. Not that I didn't love getting to spend time surrounded by family and tradition during our holidays last year, but my mother in law's new husband made a terrorist joke to our arab friend at our thanksgiving dinner, and my mother gets so crazy about christmas that she actually wakes up before like six in the morning to get ready.

This year I kinda want to just have a nice mellow holiday season with my son and my husband and some of our friends, but I feel guilty trying to find ways to tell my family I don't want them to be quite as big a part of things this year. Especially since my mother, and mother in law both give me free childcare everyday while I go to work.

Okay, go ahead, tell me how much of a jerk I am. 

KatelynEA90

I don't think you're a jerk at all. Tell everyone you want to have your first Christmas with LO alone as a family.
Visit one for dinner on Christmas Eve and one for dinner Christmas day.

Smootchy

I don't think your a jerk at all. Matter of fact I think it's extremely common to want to sorta back off family holidays and start your own traditions after people have kids.
Like others said, if you can do one side Christmas Eve for dinner the other Christmas Day for dinner and stay home otherwise, that sounds about what we do. If you want to cut out both sides, I think it's a bit crazy and will upset mom and mil. Last option would be go to one side on either eve or day, have the other day to yourselves, then rotate years. The family who sees you for Christmas doesn't get you on thanksgiving type thing.
GL
I love family and get togethers but seriously, holidays can suck from stress.

ShellShockedMama

Yes. 

If by bad person you mean smart. There's nothing wrong with making your own tradition for YOUR family. Seeing your mother/ in laws the day after Christmas doesn't make anything less special and extends the holiday cheer. As a kid I always loved seeing my family the days after Christmas, lots of food and presents to look forward to.  

IrishEyes0530

Kimbus22:

Once I got pregnant we told both sides of the family we'd be doing our holidays at home from now on, to create new family traditions with our son.  Usually my parents will end up coming to see DS and hang out, very low key.  And we'll see DH's family at some point near the holiday.

So nope, I don't think you're a jerk at all!

This. Everyone was made clear that Christmas morning would be spent in our own home, alone as a family. We have a traditional cookie baking pajama party at MILs house a week or so before Christmas with all her kids and grandkids. We pick names at Thanksgiving for a gift exchange and we have a theme every year and read a story and watch the movie version. Last year we did the Grinch and BIL rented a costume. Anyway, you're not a bad peraon at all and they should understand.

French Dads Are Best

I think you have it spot on. It is very wise to try and have a easy going, low key, and most importantly relaxing season. It will do you no end of good. As for the family, they have to understand. If they don't, they have a problem, not you. We will try and have a very quiet and simple Christmas, what with a newborn and all that, and we told our families. Guess what: they fully understood and are supportive. I hope the same will work for you.

klondikebar

I think it's good to have your own traditions. I'm not religious anymore and my family took it hard. We still like to participate in some of the fun holiday traditions though. My family seemed to think since I am not religious that they could call the shots during christmas since it was their holiday.

We compromised and spend christmas eve between our families. The next day is only our own family unit. We spend the morning together and volunteer in the afternoon. My family can't understand why we would give our time to providing christmas dinner and toys to those in need when I don't believe. Like I can't be a good person just because I'm not a christian anymore.

My best advice is don't let family make the holidays tense. I know a lot of them out there try. You just have to block it out.

Wufroggy79

I understand having time for just your family, but you need to make room for the extended family at some point.  Almost every family has people that piss you off.  It's part of having family, but all you are going to do is make things rougher with them if you shut them out.  I also don't see how it is unreasonable that someone wants to get up at six for Christmas.  If you're doing a big meal that day, I'd kind of expect it.

missyishere

Absolutely not- for me, holidays are about the celebration and happiness.  If bringing your family around is just stress, then the purpose of happiness is defeated.  We used to have a family gathering at my mom's house in the am and then go to mom's side of the family in the afternoon.  My mother passed a little over two years ago, so we now have our little family gathering all day.  Going to her family's celebration was never fun for us.  Our family is huge, loud, and we don't really share the same beliefs.  We thoroughly enjoy our little group at home much more than a crazy, loud, large group of people.

SoDoMojo

I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to want to just be with your little family.

I told my MIL and my folks last year that the following Christmas mornings would be spent at our house. They are welcome to come but I'm done packing up all our gifts and sleeping over at their house (we'd switch families each year). I've got my own kid and want to create our own traditions. My step-mom was a bit pissy about it, but I don't care. 

hippehpanda

Wufroggy79:

I also don't see how it is unreasonable that someone wants to get up at six for Christmas.  If you're doing a big meal that day, I'd kind of expect it.

My family doesn't do christmas dinner. We eat cheescake and drink cocoa christmas morning, so that when my sister and I were kids we could then pack up and leave my dad (who would work the night of christmas eve) to sleep while we drove to my mother's family. Since my sister and I are grown our big holiday plans have been roughly scheduled for nine or ten in the morning once my father is comfortable after getting home from work.

And thank you all for making me feel less like a mean person, I guess my parents never really split off from their families to make their own holiday traditions so I assumed that was how it was done. and my husband never really got holidays when he was a kid so he doesn't really know what he's doing during the holiday season.

flyingsaucer

I would not cut them out completely, if your mom and mother in law babysit your kid on a daily basis, then they must be a big part of his life and I am sure that they want to be a part of the holidays as well... But I do think you should do things on YOUR terms.  Whether that's just lunch or dessert or whatever.  When you have young kids, you also have to set up holidays in a way that works for them (for example, I will not have my kids skip nap because a family member insists that we arrive at 2pm).  

As many others said, we usually do dinner Christams Eve, them Christmas Day is alone time for just DH and the kids and me.  We stay in our pajamas and eat a big breakfast together and keep the day as low key ad possible 

PeonyPumps

I don't think you're a bad person at all.  I'm due with baby #2 on December 28, so if our holidays aren't at the hospital this year, they'll be very quiet and at home with my H, my son, and possibly my parents.  While I love being with family for the holidays, it is quite nice to have the excuse to just do our own thing!  

Disneygeek77

Well if you are a jerk, then I am too.  We spend Christmas morning at home.  We open gifts, make a special breakfast relax a bit and then go to my mom's house.  If we felt that going to my mom's house wasn't working for us, we wouldn't go; however so far it is fine. 

Remember this is your holiday too and you can spend it however you please.  Right now, you are trying to establish fond memories for your own children.  Honestly,  I have always felt sorry for the kids that were dragged from house to house on Christmas day because the parents didn't want to disappoint anyone.  If you want, maybe try seeing one side for a bit on Christmas Eve and then the other side for Christmas dessert or on the 26th.  There is no rule you have to see each other on the 25th.