Having trouble adjusting to "wants" vs. "needs"

missisue

We officially have a toddler, and wow, it is so much harder parenting this little human with her own mind than it was parenting a lump of baby. When she was under a year, it was pretty easy to soothe her crying because she usually NEEDED something, and we were both pretty good at figuring it out.

Now, though, LO expresses more wants than needs. She wants to climb onto the dining room chair and then onto the table. She wants to watch her Baby Signing Time video again, and again, and again.  She wants to get away from the table and wander around instead of eating.

I do my best to remove her from unsafe adventures and try to distract her from the annoying activities, but she can be so determined -- it seems you just can't get her mind off of the thing she shouldn't be doing. I swear she cries more now than she ever did as a newborn. 

And because we hate to hear her cry, I feel like both DH and I are verging on permissive parenting rather than responsive parenting. How do you know when you've crossed that line? How do you keep sane when your kid is constantly pushing the limit? After a year of being the one to soothe crying, how do you adjust to being the one to cause the crying? I need advice on early toddler discipline, please!

PayolaCrayola

I have the same issue. DD is 16mo and VERY strong willed. She always was but it became a million times harder when she turned a year old. Idk what to do either...DH says i am too easy on her but its hard to see her cry all day. Yesterday she literally whined/cried ALL DAY. i thought i was gonna lose it. I just tell her No...firmly but i dont yell at her...and walk away. She usually follows me screaming and crying but she stops after like 5min lol. Acouple of times i did yell from frustration but honestly it didnt faze her one bit. She responds the same.

I just keep telling myself that she will grow out of it and i hope its true!

KateLouise

Yeah I sometimes slip into just giving in with some things, but what I try and do is to look at the underlying causes, because sometimes wants and needs blur, and then I try and look at how I can meet both of our goals.

So for example, your daughter WANTS to climb on the dining table because it is fulfilling a NEED of physical and mental development: strength, balance, co-ordination, depth perception, gravity etc  So how can you provide for that need? Maybe you build a safe climbing area in the lounge, go to the park, have some time climbing on the chairs with your supervision where you can teach her about climbing up and down safely and talk to her about how dining tables aren't for feet.

Then how can you save your sanity as a parent? maybe you relax about feet on the table to allow her to fully explore her environment. You have time together where you encourage her to show you just how well she can climb, talk about what she can see from the table, talk about what would happen if she fell etc.

Maybe you gate off the dining area, or move the chairs away from the table with you can't actively supervise that area etc etc. 

In terms of the videos, we got into a terrible habit of allowing DD1 to watch childrens videos. I say terrible because it went against what I considered to be appropriate amounts of TV viewing but somedays it was easier to let her do it. So I took the DVds away. Now there are a small number of TV programmes I allow her to watch. They're on for a few minutes and at set times of the day, so it has removed her nagging at me all day to put on DVds. The need obviously is entertainment, so when she's desperate for the TV i offer her a range of other activities: drawing, block building, kicking the ball outside etc etc

There obviously will come a day when it's all on me to say no, and she will have to have her meltdown and I will have to weather that. So I try and organise my world so that when it really matters I have the energy to stand firm, and the confidence that her needs are being met in other ways.

Temp123197812503460

Fredalina, thanks, it's comforting to read your post and hear that your daughter can behave in other people's houses. The distract and redirect is a joke around here, we have resorted to almost full baby proofing, and try to be consistent as possible, but at 13 months I'm so afraid I will be THAT mother when my kids are 3 who can't take them anywhere.

chardonnay24

I really, really struggled with this in the beginning of toddlerhood. And I have a child with sensory processing disorder and a language delay. Basically, he is a thrill seeker with high pain tolerance who has trouble expressing himself and even more trouble understanding commands or directions. He isn't receptive to time out or distraction, and even getting injured is not a good enough reason to stop a particular behavior if the desired outcome is worth it to him. We went through a period of time that we had to put the dining room chairs on the patio every day because he was using them to climb on the table, over baby gates, and on top of the kitchen counters.

You have to remain consistent. I have found that on things that we waffle on (move than one episode of TV, even though our rule is 1/day, for example), he tends to cry more when he doesn't get his way. When I tell him no, I let him cry. I comfort him and say something to the effect of, "I know that you are sad that you can't climb on the kitchen counters. But those are dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt". I know he doesn't understand that, but it helps me stay calm and I feel better about not responding to his tantrums while not ignoring him at the same time.

Also, pick your battles. We don't let him jump off the back of the couch, but we let him jump off of his chair. He gets the thrill of jumping off something, and I don't have to worry about taking him to the ER for the fourth time.

And finally, use all the resources around you to keep her busy and occupied. Some toddlers just don't do well cooped up at home. We have memberships to the local children's museum, science museum, and zoo, and passes to an indoor park. We go for walks to the park almost every day, rain or shine. We take messy art class, swim lessons, music class, and tumbling class at the community center. And we go to library storytime once/week. And he goes to DC 30 hours/week. I know a lot of people don't like to overschedule their kids, but if he's not occupied, he's getting into trouble. I like to prevent problems before they even become problems. Happy, busy kid = no crying (without having to give into him all the time).

ncbelle

I think there's an important parallel to make between infant and toddler parenting that might help - adjust your expectation to "normal" instead of "should do"!

So for example...it's NORMAL for kids to try to climb things - yes there are unsafe things to climb.  But instead of seeing that as "challenging" behavior, see it as normal and provide an outlet for it ("not safe to climb the chair but let's climb the couch" or whatever - and make sure you anchor your furniture!!).  Normal for a toddler to not want to sit still for very long to eat - she's still pretty young and still in the honeymoon phase of walking.  Our rule is once you are down you are done eating - no wandering with food.  As the kids get older, the expectation for them to sit at the table  grows longer.  

On the video thing...that's one reason we held off on TV/vidoes.  Callum was allowed starting at 2 but we were very clear in advance how long he could watch (sometimes we even set a timer) - that's harder to do with a young toddler which is why we felt nothing was better at that age.  And watching videos definitely has a negative impact on behavior for us!  I know signing time is educational but honestly if it causes issues, I'd ditch it.  

The same thing goes for things that are magnets and not kid appropriate.  Like we had this great vase that sat on a table by the couch - highly attractive to Callum once he was able to reach it - so it got rehomed high.  Now that he's older it would be fine because he learned from knocking over unbreakable things the effect of his actions on stuff.

It helps to see the world from their perspective - nothing they are doing is done to be "challenging" - it's all about figuring out how the world works - and that includes how you react to things.  So if a particular behavior gets a certain response from you and they like that response, they will continue - not to be "bad" but because they like the response!  Limit pushing is good in the sense that it shows they are being developmentally appropriate and testing the world!

Sometimes there are tantrums - you aren't causing the crying; kiddo's "brain melt" (as we like to call it) in her attempt to process what is happening is causing the crying.  You are still there as a stable, soothing presence - be that and help her through vs. worrying about having caused her to be upset.  Part of parenting is setting limits and then helping our kids to deal with those limits.

I definitely think some kids are more "spirited" than others - Eleanor is definitely less "easy going" than Callum.  But I also feel like kids live up to our responses and expectations - if we constantly see them as "high strung" and respond accordingly, that's what they become.  If we see them as normal and respond accordingly - well, they are normal  I know that when I respond with stress, the kids behavior gets worse instead of better.  Lame example from this morning - Eleanor doesn't want to get her diaper changed lately.  If I chase her down and say "Eleanor, it's time for a diaper change" she runs and things escalate - of course I could chase her and physically hold her down to change her but then I'm stressed and she's pissed and well...that doesn't bode well for the rest of the morning.  So instead I "zombied" her - a game we've been playing lately - which she finds super funny.  So she didn't run and instead giggled the whole time I changed her.  Problem solved.

I really love the book Playful Parenting.  The gist of the philosophy is that play is how we learn about the world.  Play also helps diffuse stressful situations and prevent "brain melts."  That doesn't mean you are never serious or that you don't set limits - it just means that play sets the tone.  Definitely worth a read.

Oh, and choices....choices are super key!!  That goes back to the climbing thing for example - "You can't climb X but you could climb Y or do Z" - toddlers need some sense of control in the world - and it's possible to give them that without "permissive parenting". 

tokenhoser

Our house is baby-proofed out the wazoo, and thank God my kid is short. We've definitely gone with a defense that goes:

1) Remove temptation. As much as possible, have the house be safe for him to play and explore. As many dangers as possible are just gone or as out of reach as possible. 

2) Decide what is really a problem (dangerous or something we REALLY care about) and be consistent in enforcing expectations and rules. I try to keep my language positive and tell him what to do, not what not to do (like, "Gentle!" when he's petting the cat, not "Don't hurt the kitty!" or "Sit, please!" not "No standing on the chairs.").

3) Accept that he will cry. He's frustrated. He wants to play "drive the car", not go into his car seat. As a parent, part of my job will be being the bad guy sometimes. 

I also like "Raising your Spirited Child" (the amazon preview has A LOT of the book  online) and "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years" was really good for what are reasonable expectations for a toddler.

tjkdlhb

fredalina:

Another thing: I think when our babies are little, we get in a mindset that when they cry, something is wrong, so we set about solving the riddle of "what does baby need"? In fact, when we solve the problem, baby stops crying, so a non crying baby is a reward, or even a measure of our success. With toddlers, that just isn't the case. As PP said, it is sometimes true that crying is actually a good thing for toddlers. They have strong emotions and they may need to cry. Or by not giving them what they want, they may be learning a different valuable lesson. Or even by sheltering them from something we know will lead to their sadness, like leaving the playground so we skip it altogether, we may be sheltering them from valuable practice handling their strong emotions. We instinctively try to stop our babies from crying and NOT crying is our reward, But in toddlerhood we may be rewarded for a job well done by the very thing we've been avoiding.

Amen.

missisue

Thank you to everyone for such thoughtful replies. Parenting always seems to get a little easier when I adjust my mindset (rather than try to change my kid). I definitely will take your insights and suggestions to heart.