How do I approach people kindly?

ToastieSimons

In order to get them to treat DS1 like a 2yr old instead of a baby?

I'm very blessed that I have a lot of people that genuinely love and care about my children. However, it doesn't stop them from treating him like a baby.  He functions at about a 10-12 month old level.

2 weeks ago we were at a family party and everyone kept picking him up and carrying him around to the point he was having fits because he wanted DOWN!!!.  Someone even reprimanded him for arching and trying to get down and I had to sternly (probably about 20 times) tell people to put him down. He was tired and laying down and someone comes over and says "Oh here let me carry you".  I put my foot down and said "He's fine on the ground".  I then got the nasty stare because I told someone to not touch my child.

All I wanted was for someone to come sit with him and play with his toys.  But instead everyone just wanted to carry him around like a baby.  The hardest part was that there was a second cousin there who is 1 month older and people were chasing him, playing trucks with him etc.

The same thing happened at church. Now that we've moved I haven't had to approach it yet, but they wanted to keep him in the nursery.  Sure he has fun, but how does that help him spiritually or socially?

We don't put it all this effort with therapy and practice and teaching for him to act like a 10 month old.  We do it to possibly get him somewhere close to his peers.  He doesn't have anything to learn from kids at his developmental stage, he needs kids ahead of where he is to learn from and he needs to be treated that way too.

But how do I say this without coming off like a nasty witch? 

JenGK

I would approach it in a "positive discipline" manner -- rather than telling people "don't pick him up" give them a positive thing to do with him on the floor, telling him "he's really likes it if you sit on the floor with him and ____."

On the nursery, my only question is if they have appropriate staffing to place him with the older kids.  In daycare, they moved kids up based on their skills and not chronological age, in large part because the staffing ratios were different.  You might consider asking for a designated "aide" to help him if he is going to be in teh older room at church.

realisticdreams

Ugh. I just wanted to say hugs and I can completely see how frustrating that must be.  I think you are just going to have to tell them.  One of the pre-schools we looked at said they had a child who had spina bifida 20+ years ago as a student. The parents were both doctors and asked them kindly to just let her crawl around, they didn't care if her clothes got dirty, they wanted her to have a sense of independence.  They asked if they could carry her to the playground but they didn't mind if she crawled around out there either.  I thought that was so amazing and it really has stuck in my head.  They said the girl walks with crutches now and lives on her own in California and has a great job.  

I'm sure someone here can help you convey your message to those people better than I could but I think it's one of those things you're going to have to be blunt about with them.  That you want him to be treated more age appropriately and not to baby him so much.  

Good luck.   

Justinlove

JenGK:

I would approach it in a "positive discipline" manner -- rather than telling people "don't pick him up" give them a positive thing to do with him on the floor, telling him "he's really likes it if you sit on the floor with him and ____."

On the nursery, my only question is if they have appropriate staffing to place him with the older kids.  In daycare, they moved kids up based on their skills and not chronological age, in large part because the staffing ratios were different.  You might consider asking for a designated "aide" to help him if he is going to be in teh older room at church.

I agree with the positive redirection approach.

If your church nursery is like mine, it is staffed by volunteers.  I'm not sure how much accommodation you can expect in that situation.  If the social aspect is important, would you and your husband consider taking turns volunteering as an extra person in the older room so that you can provide the necessary supervision? 

macchiatto

Tough situation. Jen and auntie's suggestions are wise. I think phrasing it positively and modeling will help and following through with a more polite but direct approach if they don't listen will be your best bet.

For church, are there any churches near you that have assistance for children with special needs? Our church has a coordinator (she's a sped teacher) and they make sure that an aide is available for any child who needs help with emotions, behavior, adjustment, physical needs, etc. 

malcivar

I don't know what to tell you about the church school but I think auntie's suggestion is great but my parents are guilty of this with Chris sometimes.  They'll "help" him do things that he's capable of doing.  So if I see them, I'll jokingly "scold" them and remind them that he's 2, not 1, or I direct myself to him and say "show grandma what you can do!" and I'll have him do whatever it is they were doing for him.  Then they're surprised at which point I remind them that we're all working very hard for him to learn to do these things and remind them that they're not always going to be with him everywhere - that he has to learn to do things for himself.  Yes it's hard and yes we can help but it has to be HELPING, not doing for him.