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Working Moms
daisy662
member
SAHM is the hardest job in the world!
daisy662
member
in Working Moms
This is what I heard all weekend. I had 3 of my gf's come to visit me from my hometown 1300 miles away to meet my 2 month old son. We had a blast but at the end of the weekend, I couldn't deal with it anymore. 2 out of 3 of them continuously talked about how glad they were that they were in the position to be able to stay home with their kids and how wonderful their lives are and they go on all these vacations, and their husbands are so wonderful and blah blah blah blah but it is just sooooo hard to get all the housework done (one of them has a cleaning lady) and she just doesn't have time to work out as much as she would like and blah blah blah.
All this while meanwhile I have to go back to work in a month to a very demanding job which I am struggling with. I bit my tongue, but here is what I wanted to say (this makes me sound like a snot, but whatevs - I did not say this to them - just to you LOL)
1. If you had a job that made more than minimum wage, you'd have kept it also. I make a ton of money and it would be stupid for my family to give that up.
2. Your husband does not make that much money even though you think you are a Rockefeller or something - I know what he makes and my husband makes double that. If I wanted to stay home I could. I choose not to because I love my job and make 2 times what my husband makes.
3. You couldn't handle your job before you had kids - it was tooooo stressful.You are a drama queen and everything is toooooo stressful for you.
4. Try doing everything you do around the house and add a full time job to it.
5. Sorry I don't have rich in-laws that just give us money and stuff.
6. Sorry, I choose to pay for what I buy and not just load up my credit cards and then charge them off and never pay them back.
4. What I really really wanted to say - shut the F up!!!!
OK vent over. Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAHM is the hardest job in the world!
My take on this - people who feel the need to talk about this in that way.... they aren't 100% sold on their choice and they are trying to justify it.
Almost all my friends work and we have never, ever, ever sat around and talked about the trials and tribulations of "whoa is me - my life is SOOOOOO hard".
At most, my friends who are teachers have simply stated that they are really glad they are able to have their summers off. And as I can't disagree with that (I'd love to have my summers off) - it's not an "issue". They aren't bragging, they aren't trying to convince anyone of anything - they are simply stating that they like this one perk of their job.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm going to chalk this up to hormones. That or you never really liked your friends.
Honestly, it sounds like they are trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else. People who really are content with their lives don't typically go on about how wonderful things are.
It's hard to not feel judged about working, even when you are choosing to go back to work.
Before going back, I struggled with conflicted feelings too. But after time I realized that going back to a job I enjoyed, getting to talk with adults and eat lunch in peace and all the other good things that come with a job made me a better mom and person.
Stay focused on the positives of your choice, and try to remember that what works for others isn't a judgment on you.
I 100% agree with all of this. I have 2 friends that are SAHM. The rest work. None of the aforementioned friends talks about their lives the way your friends did. I think it sounds like deep down those girls aren't completely happy and feel the need to talk it up/brag about it to make it sound better to themselves.
Not the case at all. Quite frankly - they hurt my feelings.
Agee wholeheartedly. Which is why I said nothing to them and came here to vent.
I'm confused why someone feeling privileged to have the opportunity to SAH but finding it difficult to balance everything hurt your feelings...
I'm also going to chalk this up to hormones. And/or lack of sleep.
Eh, I've lived on sleep deprivation before as well as going back to work after a baby is born twice. I can't say I've ever had the thoughts the OP does about her "friends"...
It seems like she's REALLY insecure in her decision. OP, maybe you should reconsider if you don't really have to work.
Thank you to all for the supportive comments and even the snarky ones as you gave e a different perspective. You are correct in that it is a very difficult choice to go back to work. And, it is a difficult choice to stay home. These are my best friends and I love them dearly. I felt as though they were being snarky when they likely weren't. I am probably a bit hormonal and am nervous to leave my LO to go back to work. All of it factors in.
They made me feel like I had to justify my decisions to them as my choices are different than those they have made and I don't like to have to do that as I feel what I am doing is best for my family. I am in no way diminishing their choices, but I felt they were diminshing mine...
Who knows if they were feeling insecure, or if they were just talking about their lives. I will never know since as I said - I would never call them out on this stuff. Just needed to vent...
I think you likely read into it much more than you should have.
There were 2 SAHMs who were chatting about the likes/dislikes of their job. People do this all the time.
I will say it's in extremely poor taste to discuss how much you love being a SAHM/how much fun stuff you're getting to do with your kids while you're visiting a friend with a newborn who is returning back to work soon.
The whole "You don't work because you didn't make enough money before kids and you can't handle working because you're a drama queen/your DH doesn't make as much as mine does" is over the top and I can't imagine having those kinds of thoughts about people I consider friends.
Why does working have to be better than being a stay-at-home mom? People make choices that are better in their lives. Complaining doesn't make them unhappy in their lives just like this vent doesn't mean you don't really want to go back to work. If you are feeling bad about going back, own it and deal with it.
PP who said that it's boring to stay at home, same old arguement. It's boring at home vs, try raising your own kids. How is it boring to be with your kids and care for them everyday, to be there for their milsetones? There are more sides to everything.
EDIT I haven't read over everything again but I wanted to add to my post. Why can't we just be happy with what we choose and let everyone else choose what's best for their families. There's no need to make your choice seem like the better option or the harder option. There is no better, it's different for everyone.
I don't know--I just can't empathize with the thoughts the OP has about her friends. I can honestly say I've never had thoughts like that about anyone I considered a close friend regardless if they got on my nerves.
I think these thoughts are screaming that the OP is insecure about her decision otherwise her friend's comments wouldn't have triggered such a reaction. I've been on both sides of the fence and can't say I've ever gotten bothered about comments like that because I was sure of the decision I made. I think if you're not secure, you should really reflect and think if you're really making the right choice.
I have a friend who is always talking about how it's so great she works now and doesn't SAH because her daughter goes to this super pricey preschool (every conversation I have to hear how much it costs). Is it annoying and over the top? Sure. Do I ever have these horrible thoughts about her about it? Definitely not.
The SAHM vs WM is always a sensitive subject. I understand what OP is feeling. Most likely her friends didn't mean anything towards her. Maybe they are confident in their decision to stay home, maybe they aren't who knows. I have have been told by two SAHMs they "could never" leave their child in the care of someone else while they worked. Ok, fine. Whatever, to each their own.. DC isn't the devil. But it still stings a little, at least for me, when it's something you always hear. On my BMB someone said they feel their child is bored at home, not doing enough activities so she said maybe she should send her to DC. Another (SAHM) said, NO, at least they have the one on one attention at home. IDK, those comments annoy me too. I get it.
In reference to OP's thoughts to their choice, meh, I don't feel like that but I can see how she could get worked up about. Especially if going back to work is around the corner.
Edit - grammar
I would like to again reiterate that I never have nor would say these thoughts to my friends. And maybe it makes me a terrible person that I even think them, but I cannot help it. They made me feel sh!tty. they made me feel like I need to justify my decisions and that they feel my life is not "adequate" or theirs is better. If that makes me a bad person, so be it - I tend to think that they were insensitive to the fact that they know I am upset about going back to work soon and leaving my son in daycare.
I want to go back to work - that is not the issue. I am just nervous about it. I am not trying to sound as though I think their decisions are wrong - they are their decisions and what is right for them. And, pp is correct, they are none of my business. I felt judged so I am judging. Sue me.
agreed..being a parent is hard in general! and WM and SAHM have their own difficulties to deal with. As friends, I think they should be a little bit more aware of how obnoxious they sound....the constant "my life is so great," would feel like a slap in the face to me, if my friends that to me. I have friends that are WM and SAHM, and we support each other, none of us try to show how the others life is better. She understands how stressed out I am about daycare cost, and trying to do normal everyday life task with working and baby, and I understand how she is stressed out with two toddlers at home and taking care of the home. Both are difficult...but i think your friends should be more supportive; and not throw in your face how amazing their lives are. But yes, ignore them! I use the boards to vent too
They are your friends. Why not tell them what you were feeling. If what they were saying was making you feel bad and you are close to them, tell them. Speak up or they won't know. Even if you said "i'm upset about leaving my son in daycare" they might not think talking about their own life is making you upset because they know you are happy with your decisions. Seriously it's normal and expected to get upset or annoyed at friends or other people sometimes, it's life. I would just say something. EDIT
I don't think you're a terrible person.
The fact that you need to defend (to yourself, not to them because I realize you didn't actually say those comments out loud) your way of life is concerning. Your friends being braggarts (which I agree was totally insensitive) triggering such negative thoughts is something you really should to do some soul searching over.
ETA: you should have saved yourself the agony and told them you felt sensitive over what they were saying. They likely would have apologized and you would have avoided these feelings.
ITA! And, I think this is hard the first time you go through it, not just returning to work, but hearing this sort of thing from others who have made different choices and feel the need to talk about it with you. I would hope that good friends of mine would know better than to talk to me about something like that before I go back to work with my first baby. I'd expect more sensitivity from good friends. And, I don't think a post like this from a FTM is really fueling the mommy wars. The issue is there and sometimes you need to go to a safe place to help you make sense of it.
OP - I can guarantee that you will hear more of this. Just focus on the choices you made for your family and how well they are working out for you. The rest is just noise.
Good for you for venting here. This is what this is for!!
Voluntarily choosing to go back to work can be a tough decision. I'm a few weeks from Baby's arrival, and I know that I REALLY struggled with this decision before even deciding to get pregnant. You love your job; you love your baby. You've put lots of time into a career that not only pays well, but is satisfying. AND I'm guessing on some level that you are starting to think about moving out of your current FT role as Mommy into Work Mommy role. And I can only imagine that it's full of anxiety.
I have a lot of SAHM friends and a lot of Working Mom friends. It IS hard to hear SAHM mom friends talk about baby constantly and why they'd never have someone else watch their baby etc. AND I'm sure on some level, there is some resentment on my part that they are at home. BUT, I know I'd be happiest working --- and that I'll be the best Mommy I can be when I'm happy.
I think you'll have a much better perspective on all of this when you do go back to work. I can only imagine that your role now is SO DIFFERENT from your previous life. Treasure this time now. And enjoy settling back into your role at work and balancing being a Working Mommy.
I don't think you need to hash anything out with your friends. I think you just need to do some internal thinking / talking with your Working Mom friends to process the back-to-work transition. Good luck!
This. I try not to compare - it does no good.
I have a friend who just quit her job to be a housewife. She just doesn't think she should be "punished" by having to work just because she doesn't have kids to care for
That, I don't get... but hey, not my life/marriage. What's annoying is when she says "Where have you been?!?" Uh, working full time and caring for a toddler.
Thank you all!
You have made me feel better and allwoed me to vent. I expected some snarky responses, but they gave me a different perspective which I can respect and appreciate.
In the end, I love my gf's and don't believe they were trying to make me feel bad. I think they would be mortified if they knew they had.
OK, done feeling sorry for myself! LOL
This kind of thing is not necessary and not funny. It's disrespectful to the many women who do choose to stay home. What you do is not harder than staying at home and raising kids. Yes, working mothers raise their kids but with a lot of help- EDIT help from whomever is with your children while you work. If you work 40 hours a week there must be a caregiver somewhere who is with your child during that time.
This just insults stay-at-home mothers. Do you think it would be fair for a woman who stays home with her kids to say "what's it like having a daycare/caregiver do most of your childraising for you? Do you even see your kids for maybe 2 or 3 hours a day." or to make a "joke" out of it.
EDIT
Please read this properly, I was asking would it be fair for a woman who is a stay-at-home mother to say that? I was not saying that. I was trying to say that is as insulting as insulting those who do stay at home.
EDIT
The cartoon is not defending anything it's belittling the choice made by other women. I am saying you can defend your choice without putting down the alternative. I said that women need to do what is best for their family whatever that is. In response to the cartoon I mentioned arguements I have heard from mothers who stay at home that are just are wrong as the cartoon implying that stay-at-home mothers have it easier.
I think you misunderstand. I AM a working mother. I work full time and I have for quite a while. I started working when my kids were young but full time when they were in school, they are now 16 and 14 so I've been a working mother a while now.
I am a working mother. If anyone would read that over again, the point was the cartoon was as insulting as someone saying the above comments. Clearly I wouldn't say them as I work full time and commute over an hour a day.
My point was that we can be ok with our choice without putting down the other choice. EDIT out to our
EDIT I work 40 hours a week and with my commute it's well past that. There was someone with my kids while I worked. (they are older now) I am no less their mother because I had that help. (which I paid for) That was not the point at all.
It seems most people on the board want equality only for themselves. I would like to end the whole war thing but it seemed no one minded a cartoon as long as it didn't insult them. I am not a stay-at-home mother but I found it insulting.
EDIT Should be ok with OUR choice not with out choice.
Not in this case. In the case of a choice over staying home or working it's truly ok to do either.
Go wild in other areas but end the whole "I'm a better mother because I x,y,z" stay home or not, it shouldn't matter. Women fought to have the right to choose.
EDIT I just hate mommy wars.
No, my edit doesn't change what I said. I am adding more words to clarify for people who didn't understand what I meant. I am not erasing anything. I will not refuse to clarify so people will keep misunderstanding.
Everything I wrote is still there. I wrote more replies and other posts but I didn't erase. I am not erasing anything. The OP stands.
EDIT and this is to ADD as well. If you notice my OP, I bolded part that people seemed to skip reading and added explanation at the bottom, I didn't erase or take away.
Ok, that I heard, obviously it took me a while. I just didn't want to be that person who is changing posts to make it look different. I was told, you can add if you write EDIT and you can make new posts but never change or delete. That's why I had to clear that up. Lesson I learned a long time ago but won't forget.
this
Edit: Also, in my experience everyone's situation is so different. There is no right or wrong answer. I'm glad you came here to vent instead of saying those things to your friends that traveled so far to see you. Otherwise, be confident in your decision and know that you can change your mind. I went back to work FT (working 55 hrs a week) and after my son was 9 months old I decided to go PT. For us it's the best of both worlds and works but we had to make a lot of sacrifices. I'm sorry if you felt judged, I don't think that was your friend's intention.
This can all be summed up pretty easily-
Stop caring about what other people are doing and only worry about you. What other people are or are not doing doesn't affect your life. Be confident in your choices and your so-called "friends" comments shouldn't hurt you.
I can tell you right now- I don't envy working moms and I don't envy SAHMs. But I do what's best for me and for my family and everyone else can go f**k themselves.
I posted the cartoon, so just to clarify my reasoning behind it:
I simply think it's somewhat funny and relevant to the post that daisy662 made that started the begining of this conversation. In no way do I believe in putting down the decisons that mothers make in reagrds to working or SAH. I know that it is a personal decision and it is made in accordance as to what is best for that mother and her family- period. I also know that there is no easy road whether you work or SAH- It is simply hard to be a parent and balance life. My sister is a SAH and there are days that she almost loses her mind. I am a WM and sometimes all I want to do is spend more time with my kids- the grass is always greener. The cartoon was meant to be humorus, and I am sorry if posters found it offensive or degrading to those that choose to be at home. That being said, I agree that it's ok to vent and feel like your life is harder sometimes- that's the point of different individuals coming together on a discussion forum. Just like I think it's harder to be a full time working mom sometimes, I listen to my SAH mom friends vent and I agree that it is just a difficult- there's nothing wrong with that. One little cartoon is by no means a sweeping judgement call on all SAHM's.
see once you have a baby- everything revolves around that- you will always question everything from here on out and compare lives of others to what you do. Just stay confident- easier said then done- I struggle with all I do but lean on family for support- they always tell it like it is!
I get why you're venting. But your (several) comments about how much money you make makes you sound SO catty.
With that said, I do get that this is a difficult time for you. I cried so hard when I had to go back to work! But I don't have the luxury of SAH, we just have too many bills. And that's a choice we made with our lifestyle. I'm okay with it.
Try to be okay with who you are and your decisions. Being okay with those things will keep you from feeling flooded with so many of those negative thoughts you just posted.
And I would love just a month in the day of the life of that GF who gets to stay home, have a cleaning lady, and take a gorgeous vacation. Good for her. barf. LOL.
So for what it's worth, I think being a SAHM is hard when all your kids are home full time (so before they enter grade school). Never having that break, trying to keep them entertained, get housework done, errands, etc. Yes that is hard, and hard in a different way than being employed outside the home is (which is also hard).
However...do I not think for SAH mom's who's kids are in school all day is THE hardest job in the world. They have all day to work out, run errands kid free, clean the house, whatever. If you can't find time to get sh*t done with 30 hours of kid free time a week (6 hrs * 5 days), then the issue is on that individual.
For real? Do you actually think that? I've done both, and I can tell you it's 5000x easier to be a working mom. No lunch to make, no house to keep clean during the day, and I get a break from chasing a toddler around the city all day.
Double post
Double post
I've done both as well, and I've found what I consider easier/harder all depends on the age of the kid(s).
By far, the easiest was working 20 hours a week with one kid who was an infant. I took so many naps. It was heaven.
The hardest is being a SAHM to two toddlers--far harder than any job outside the home I've worked. You have no idea what cleaning a house is until you're home with two kids all day who aren't old enough to really help out. lol. I do easily triple the housework that I had to do when the house wasn't lived in 40 hours a week. When people say it must be boring I can't help but laugh. We spend every morning at some activity for the kids and afternoons are lunches/naps/cleaning/cooking. On top of that both my kids have special needs so throw in lots of therapy sessions during the week as well. The only time I find it boring is when one/both of the kids are sick and we're stuck in the house.
I think it's hard to say what's truly easier/harder because it really will vary on the mom's personality/how many kids/their ages/etc. I think it would be far easier to be a WM to one kid vs a SAHM to 3 kids not yet in school.