Sad. It still hurts.

ILoveRedVino

I want to preface this by saying that six weeks after our loss, I really am doing better. Most days are good. Life has started to be bright and happy again.

But I have bad days. Today is one of them. It just hurts so bad. I love this boy so much and I know I always will. I am scared to let life move forward, fearful that he will be left in the past. I wonder if he can hear me talk to him. I wonder if he was able to feel love. I wonder if he knew how much we wanted and loved him. I have had a religious background, but this has tested me. Does Heaven exist? Is he happy? Does he even know who I am? Will I see him again?

Does anyone have words of wisdom? I am struggling right now.

OSUWifey09

I feel the exact same way. Today's the first day in 39 days that I haven't cried, and that scared me. Does that mean I'm forgetting him? That I don't love him enough to shed tears over his loss every day? I'm also starting to have more good days than bad, five weeks after losing him, but I still feel overwhelmed with grief at times. Sometimes, it doesn't take much to set me off. Others, I'm totally fine being around a pregnant woman or newborn. Grief is just so strange.

Only words of wisdom I have came from my best friend: "When you're going through hell, keep going." She's constantly reminding me that it's OK to grieve as long as necessary, because no one expects to lose a child. It's the worst type of pain a mother will ever feel, and it will never fully go away. But it's also OK to move on and have good days, because a piece of your heart is with him, and he will always know how much you love him and want him. You'll never forget him because he's your child - even as the years tick by, he will always, always be a part of you, and you will love him unconditionally always. And he will know that. *hugs* 

pottermommy

                                          ~~Ticker Siggy Warning~~

 

Oh sweetheart.  Let me first off tell you that everything you are feeling is completely normal alright.  The fear of moving forward and everything.  Can I tell you that four years later, Kamryn is as much of my life as she ever was.  She has been woven into the fabric of who I am and she can not be removed.  Even after having a rainbow baby she is in my every thought and breath.  She is me, she is everything about me.  I couldn't leave her behind if I wanted to.

Don't be afraid to laugh to smile to enjoy your life.  If he was here you would want to be the best influence for him, the one to teach him how to live a good life, a happy life.  You would have aspired to make him proud to be your son.  Don't change that.  Don't be less because he isn't here.  Be the person that you want him to see.  Be the role model, the inspiration, let him be proud of you, because if heaven exists and he can see you, you want him to be be jumping up and down saying that's my mommy!! He knows you are amazing, show it off. 

Now all that being said, being sad sometimes does not mean you are failing, it means you love and miss your son, it means you are a mommy, no one, no distance can take that away from you.  Of course he felt your love, he felt every beat of your heart, felt it everytime your hand brushed over him, heard every word you whispered to or about him.  A brand new baby will turn to their mama's voice because they know it, they seek their mother from birth because they find comfort in them because they feel the love from them.  Your son was born, no matter the outcome no matter when he was born, he LIVED, he lived within you and felt every bit of love you poured over him.  No matter what he LIVED and he LOVED.

And heaven...I think it is real, I think in that moment right before I wake up from a dream of her, and I feel so content and so happy and it is like she is fine and in my arms.  That is where she is, that is my taste of heaven here on Earth.  Every rainbow, every beautiful day, every random smile that I get when I think of her, it is her way of telling me that she is thinking of me. 

My heaven is wrapped up in memories of her, it is absolutely real and she is asboslutely there.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Aw sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.  Like Potter said, this is all completely "normal" (if there is such a thing anymore).  I think one of our biggest fears if that if we continue to move forward, does that mean we forget them?  I remember the day of Corbin's funeral, after everything we went back to our house and had some friends and family with us.  One of our friends is forever cracking us up and I remember sitting at my kitchen table and laughing.  Then I felt terrible.  How can I laugh when we just had a funeral for my infant son?  The first day my DH and I were home by ourselves after everyone had left, he wanted to watch a movie.  I remember thinking "I have no right to watch a movie, I just lost my son!"  The concept that's very difficult to understand, especially early on, is that our children do not want us to be sad all the time.  It's ok to be happy.  They want us to be happy. 

For what it's worth, I talk to my son all.  the.  time.  He hears me and I'm sure your son does too.  This may sound crazy (and I know people think I am) but my son talks to me too and I hear him.  There is no way your son does not know who you are or not know how much you love him.  He knows you're mommy and he knows you love him more than words could ever express.  

It's hard when you start to have good days.  You don't feel like you should and you feel like people will judge you if you do (at least I did.)  It's ok to have good days.  It's ok to have bad days.  It's ok to have in between days.  Our babies want us to live for them.  I like to think that all of our angels are up in heaven and they're all best friends and they're all playing with each other.  When your time comes, you will see him again.  I always used to say when I was really tired that I'd "sleep when I'm dead."  Now I say "well I won't have time for sleep then either because I'll be too busy holding and loving on my son forever."  

Don't know if any of this helps.  If you haven't read it "Heaven is for Real" really helped me feel like there really was a heaven.  Be gentle on yourself and try not to over-think things too much (I know it's easier said than done).  Wishing you peace and love.

jess123456

The ladies here all gave amazing words of wisdom. I started to see a therapist and she suggested that I write letters to my daughter. I haven't done this yet but perhaps it could be another way to express your feelings towards your son.

butterfly2119

I'm so sorry that your having a bad day. Like everyone said it's completley normal. I used to question heaven to but I just told myself that this can't possibly be the end. I've even wondered about going to a medium to see if my grandma and grandpa who have passed have my baby girl. I've wondered to if my daughter knew how much I loved her. But they do. It's all they've ever known is love. I have a quote/ poem for you I hope it makes you feel better.

 

 "Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" 

jbranden12

*ticker warning*

 

 

I am glad that you have been able to find some joy in your life recently. But what all the other ladies have said is true, this grief comes in waves and it is totally normal to have a difficult day. 

Deep down, you know he felt your love. The happiness you felt while he was with you was shared with him. Also, it is totally normal to question your religious beliefs and to be honest, I have had to put mine aside for now. I cannot work through my thoughts and feelings about that just yet. Perhaps once I am holding one or two of my rainbows I will be able to revisit, but not yet. ((hugs))

tuscanbride2007

It's funny that you posted these questions because I was thinking some of the same things recently. I have to believe that there is something beyond this life, so I think there is a heaven, but she never got to see me. Will she know what I look like? Will she still be a baby when I get to see her? I have no idea, but I have to believe that she will.

Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" came on the radio the other day and I realized that other parents that have lost children wonder the same things.

((Huge HUGS))

ILoveRedVino

Thank you all.  I just needed to get that out last night, and I feel better today.