Introduction

buggirl72

Last Saturday our son, Zachary Donald was born at 20 weeks.  He survived for a little over an hour in which time my husband and I were able to hold him. I miss him terribly.

My pregnancy had been completely uneventful up until week 19. Our a/s was on 9/11 and everything showed that Zachary was fine. The only indication of any potential problem was that my HCG level was high and was noted on the results.  The doctor who read the scan recommended that we have another ultrasound at 26 weeks .  The following week I was diagnosed with a bladder infection. I had minor spotting but my doctor was not concerned because my cervix was irritated. On Monday night, I started having low back pains. I was worried that I was starting to get a kidney infection and called my doctor.  They verified the next day that I did not have a UTI and felt that the back pains I was having were just from normal pregnancy growth. I was scheduled to see my doctor Friday (9/21) in the morning and she was going to recommend physical therapy if I still was having pain.  My back pain was isolated to my lower back and I had very few cramps between Monday and Thursday. On Friday morning, I got up at 6 a.m. because of how sore my back was and had just went down stairs when I felt a very light cramp and a warm gush. When I saw that it was blood I panicked.  I knew how horribly bad this was. I got my husband up and we could the after hours line and was told to go to the L & D immediately.  By the time we got to the hospital, I was having contractions that were two minutes apart and still mostly isolated to my back.

The L & D triage nurses and doctors were initially very optimistic that they could stop the contractions and that everything would be okay. Until the ultrasound was done. Zachary was still doing wonderful but I was internally dilated to 4 cm and he had started to push his leg into the opening. They admitted me and began to give me massive doses of magnesium sulfate in an attempt to stop the contractions until the specialist could arrive to assess if there was any way to keep our baby in me for four more weeks. The magnesium sulfate never stopped the contractions, but only slowed them down. By the time the specialist arrived, Zachary's bottom and his feet were not pushing into my cervix. They decided the best course of action was to continue administering the magnesium sulfate to see if they could stop the contractions. For the next 24 hours, I continued to have contractions that were further apart and less strong but as soon as my mag dose was lowered the contractions would pick up. By the time the specialist arrived to see what was going on, I was having strong contractions again and Zachary had moved so low into the cervix that there was no way to save him or slow down his delivery.  The doctors believe that we had an abruption that caused irritation and possibly an infection that led to the contractions.  We are waiting to find out what caused this and are prepared that we may never know why. 

An hour after stopping the magnesium sulfate he was born. Absolutely beautiful and perfect.  He had my lips and my husbands toes. He was our miracle baby. I still find myself looking for his movements and imagining being able to hold him.

I am sorry this is so long but I needed to get this out.  

tracint

That is almost exactly what/how it happened to us too.  We lost our baby girl at 21weeks 4days because of a placental abruption (on6/25/12). I want to tell you that everything will be fine, but I cant because I know what you are feeling is very painful. 

Just remember your not alone. thoughts and prayers for you.

OSUWifey09

I'm so sorry you're here. I lost my son, Devon, to a placental abruption [but mine was probably caused by trauma due to a fall I had], five weeks ago at 34w4d. I know that the days will be a mix of good and bad, but I hope you turn to us when you need to. I haven't been on this board long, but the amount of support and encouragement I've gotten in just five short weeks has been so helpful. *hugs* 

pottermommy

Ticker warning.

 

I am so sorry that you lost your precious Zachary, I hope that you find comfort and peace here.  You have found a home to come to when you need solice, these women are wonderful.

jbranden12

*ticker warning*

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your  Zachary Donald. I am always sad to welcome anyone here but I have found comfort among these women who understand my grief and I hope you can as well. 

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Zachary. As PPs said, I always hate to welcome someone new to the board, but know that you have found a wonderful group of women. All of our stories are a little different but we all know what it is like to deal with the loss of a precious child.

 ((HUGS))

ally2011

Hi,

I am from your BMB and have looked for your intro here everyday this week.  I am so glad you came here, though I obviously wish you did not have to.  This board has been an amazing place of support for me in the year+ since we lost our daughter, Grace.

I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet Zachary Donald.  There are no words that can do justice to how it feels to lose a child.  The initial weeks are very foggy.  I was out of work for 6 weeks, and needed them all.  I slept a lot, friends came to visit, I did things around our house as I felt like it.  And I cried a lot.  There was a point at 9 months out that I feared I would only feel despair forever....and I found a Christian grief counselor.  She helped me a lot...I got stuck in the anger stage...I did not want to be an angry person so I fought it...but you have to go through it to get to the other side.  I miss my daughter everyday and think about her many times.  I am not the same person that I was, but I am not in the deep despair forever that I feared I might be.  You will get through this...you will be forever changed...but you will get through this, and we will all help you as much as we can.

Some books that I would recommend include Grieving the Child I Never Knew, Empty Cradle Broken Heart, The One Year Book of Hope, and Good Grief (by Westberg).  I would also encourage you to find a grief counselor or support group, even if you don't think you need right now.  Hospitals often have someone who helps with loss moms, that person may be able to make some recommendations, or you can try your local Hospice office....they usually can make recommendations and may have some programs that are free to anyone as well.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.  Be kind to yourself during this time, and patient with yourself.  Grief is a long journey and it takes many turns.  We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Jenn

PS - I highly recommend staying away from your BMB...I, and several others here, made the mistake of going back to ours at various points and it was very unhealthy and resulted in taking several steps back.  I still can't really go to my old one, it is just too hard...especially as Grace should be 1 this month.  Hugs to you friend. 

buggirl72

Thank you all. I am so sorry that any of you had to find your way to this board. 

dandywarhol

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Zachary. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hate to have to welcome you here considering the circumstances but hope you can find some comfort and support from the ladies here.

Mrs Nice

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I am so sorry for your loss of baby Zachary. I hate to have to welcome you here, but I hope you can find some comfort and support with us. The ladies are all wonderful and we completely understand what you are going through. Big hugs to you!