c-section "guilt"

ifwisheswerefishes

(also posted on my BMB and the natural birth board)  

i am really struggling with my c-section "decision" right now. i know it was the best thing for Marian and myself both because of her heartrate dropping during labour/my blood pressure/entire lack of progressing/etc, but i am encountering some serious guilt being piled on me by those around me, as well as by myself. i went into this planning and training for a natural childbirth (Bradley Method) that would have been a homebirth if DH had not strongly disagreed. and having to have a CS almost makes me feel like i failed. 

add to this, i was told today by a woman "friend" (HA!) that there is no way i could bond with my baby as well as a mother who had a vaginal delivery because my body did not release the "love hormone" through this type of delivery and we would both be traumatized for life now. i know that has to be absolute bullsh!t, but it made this hormonal mama cry for a good hour straight. i love my baby so much, and i know i did the best thing for her health and for my own.

but even still, i'm really feeling low about this tonight. have any other of you post-section mamas felt this way, especially those who were emergent and unplanned? is this normal to feel this way? or am i just dealing with stupid people who need to be cut and throat-punched? 

RumbleLina

rachelandjon09:

add to this, i was told today by a woman "friend" (HA!) that there is no way i could bond with my baby as well as a mother who had a vaginal delivery because my body did not release the "love hormone" through this type of delivery.

 

You can thank The Business of Being Born for that I am sure since some dude is recorded as saying such...assshat.  I was an emergency general anesthesia cesarean so I wasn't even awake when my son was born and I bonded with him just fine. Was it tough in the beginning? Yes but that was because of a tough recovery emotionally. There is absolutely no difference between my love and bond with my child versus someone who had a vaginal birth.

It is 100% completely normal and okay to feel down about how your delivery went. When you go into labor with this expectation and dream of how things are going to go only to have it thrown out the window it is very jarring. Do not let anyone tell you that you have no right to feel the way that you do because you absolutely do.

I promise to you that over time things will get better but if you feel like you cannot get a grip of all the feelings go and talk to a counselor and get it off your chest.

lovebug33

Just as background, we had to do IVF to get pg. When I had to have a c/s, I remember crying and telling DH I couldn't get pg. normally and now I couldn't even have the baby normally. I was devastated for a while. However, she was 8 lbs. 15 ozs. and doc said I could have labored for hours and all it would have done was put Kinsley at risk. So, while I am still bitter about what happened after the c/s, I know the c/s was medically necessary and glad I did it for the sake of baby girl. I have gotten over the bitterness by realizing I had no other choice.

ladybugpjb

I talked to a counselor before I left the hospital because I was a wreck. We had a lot of other stuff going on around the time DS was born, and having my perfect plan thrown off by an unplanned c-section was devastating at the time.

My labor just stopped progressing. I was stuck at 8cm for 4 hours and my water had been broken for over 24 hours. At that point, it really wasn't a choice any more. Sometimes I still feel sad about it over a year later, but those times are few and far between. DS is healthy, I'm healthy, and that's really all I can ask for.

People who haven't been in the situation where a c-section is necessary don't/won't understand. You know that what you did was what was needed to keep you and LO alive and healthy.

If you yourself haven't been able to come to terms with it, then find some other c-section mamas, talk to a counselor, whatever you need to do to get to an emotionally healthy place.

(hugs)

gysberger04

While I don't feel guilt for having to have a c-section (I had Pre-E so my only option was a c-section or risk having a stroke), I do feel cheated out of yet another part of pregnancy (since DD was born 2 months early I missed out on all that part of pregnancy as well).  More than anything I want to have a full term baby the second time around and have a VBAC, I hope I won't be too disappointed if that doesn't happen.  Some people just don't get that choice on how they deliver their baby and it does suck, so don't feel bad about not being happy about it.

vlagrl29

mine was not planned at all, it was after a failed induction.  Oddly enough I never felt any guilt about it at all.  Maybe because at that point I just wanted her out and didn't care how.  I remember bonding with her still.  I was in recovery and they brought her to me with a bottle but it was all fuzzy cause of the morphine I was on.  The did have nurses there when i was sent home to reassure me I did everything I could and also worried if I was going to be ok.  I thought that was odd because i felt fine about, i was never so happy in my life.  I know there  are support groups out there, you may want to look into it

valkyriemama

Ignore the idiot.  I have had three sections and have four kids ages 9, 6, 4, and 2.  I'm no more or less bonded with the first child than I am with the three younger c section babies.  The three delivered via c section are totally well adjusted and are certainly NOT traumatized for life.  All I every wanted was a water birth and instead I had an induction due to pre-e and then three c sections because #2 was transverse breech.  I struggled with it and initially let people make me feel guilty about it, but then I got tired of it and started standing up for myself.  Sure, so I didn't get the beautiful water birth I wanted, but I took my doctors orders for what they thought the best outcome would be for my kids and I.  What matters at the end of the day is that my kids and I are here and healthy.  Besides, saying you have to have the "love hormone during birth" is saying adopted moms can't bond with their kids and that's crap.  Beyond that, oxytocin is also released during breastfeeding.  It's also released during cuddling:) 

tawillers

I don't have much time to type out my whole response, but I HAD to let you know that your "friend" is a moron and should be ashamed that she is so stupid.  Do not listen to anything she says from this point on.

I'm so sorry you have people in your life who are doing anything but supporting you right now.

Please post here if you have any questions or vents or just want to talk.  We have all been there.

jb2rn

Yes, I felt guilt. I felt like a failure. I recall crying (probably lack of sleep plus hormones) when ds was a few weeks old that he "knew" I had him "the wrong way" and that was why he was crying. Yeah.

I also desired a natural childbirth. I had a long, slow, labor (baby was head down but just not decending, then I got a fever) and it ended in an unplanned c section.

It took me several months to recover emotionally.

I blogged about it here: https://www.beyondjenniferandjason.blogspot.de/2012/04/all-that-matters.html

You did nothing wrong. It happens - things happen beyond our control. You needed a c section. I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. Give yourself time to mourn and heal. Hugs to you.

kcisthebombdotcom

I felt this way for a few days...that is until we got the call that my cousin's baby died a few hours after being born. That really put it in perspective for me that yes, it does suck that I had to have surgery to bring my baby into the world but my baby was here and happy and healthy.

Nakmama

I completely understand where you are coming from. I had the same feelings of guilt when I ended up with a c/s. It wasn't even on my radar that it could happen so I never read anything about it.

What that lady said is rubbish. My DD doesn't remember how she was born and we are no less bonded than someone who had a vaginal delivery. Some people put so much emphasis on the birth "experience", but all that really matters is a healthy momma and baby. You made the best decision you could with the cirumstances and it's perfectly normal to feel "guilt". With time, these feelings will subside.  

capulet

I support the throat-punching idea.  Aside from the fact that the notion you can't bond with a c/s baby is complete B.S. (she hasn't met my super-cuddly, extended BFed c/s babies), it is an awful thing to use that wrong belief to make someone feel guilty for something they can't change.  Being wrong is bad; being mean is worse.

I didn't have any particular expectations for my birth experience for #1 and was happy to choose an RCS for #2, but it makes me angry when women who already feel bad about their c/s are made to feel worse by cruel, ignorant people who don't know what a traumatic birth is like.  You brought a child into the world and you love her.  That's what makes you an awesome mother, not how you gave birth to her.

pepomntpat

Well, it is normal to feel that way, but I also think your friend needs to be throat punched. WTF?

I had a very similar situation to yours. It was very hard. I had to keep in mind that what I did I did for the health of my child. Every decision I made was made with her in mind. I took Bradley classes because I thought a NB was best for HER. It turned out it wasn't for a variety of reasons. The c/s was best for HER. Knowing that I had information to make good decisions and providers I trusted lets me know that the c/s was the best decision. It sounds like it very much was in your case too.

{hugs} you will bond just fine with your baby. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you and enjoy your baby. I'd suggest attending an ICAN meeting or checking our their forums. You are not alone and your feelings are very normal, but you can get past it. 

ETA: And do you SEE all the traumatized babies in the signatures in this post? I mean, it's a horror to behold. FFS! I am so mad at your "friend." 

jussagirl02

I felt the same way. I went in for an induction due to pre-e and they were able to break my water instead of administer any types of meds and I was at 10 within a few hours. I really thought I had avoided significant medical intervention until my LO decided she didn't want to descend down the birth canal. I felt so cheated after the c-section. I thought I had done everything right during the pregnancy and I was really upset and I blamed myself. It took a couple weeks to kinda get over it, but it still makes me sad.  If we decide for a second I want to try for a vbac. 

Don't let others get you down. At the end of the day you and your doc made a decision that was in the best interest of your LO. All that matters is that everyone came out healthy and safe.  

giraffe54

Your 'friend' needs to go DIAF. 

I had lots of sadness but not guilt over my planned c-section. I had imagined a natural birth full of rainbows and unicorns, and I still cry over not having gone into labor. But, my baby was doubling footling and would not turn despite trying everything. I recently met someone who delivered her footling breech baby vaginally. The cord prolapsed, baby had to have CPR and spent days in the NICU. Mama didn't hold her LO for over 24 hours. My 3 hour wait felt like an eternity and I will definitely VBAC if possible when the time comes, but I had an immediate bond with my LO. I would definitely have more guilt over subjecting my LO to that risk just so I could have my magical vag delivery. And yes, risking mama's life for a magical vag delivery is just as selfish!

Fact is, medical interventions in birth are too high, but that doesn't mean the dangers and risks aren't real. 

Disneygeek77

Honestly, I would stop being friends with that woman.  She sounds cruel and almost abusive.  I mean good god, even if that was what she honestly felt, she could have kept those opinions for herself.  Why in the world would she say something like that. 

Disneygeek77

oops duplicate post

salt78

rachelandjon09:

add to this, i was told today by a woman "friend" (HA!) that there is no way i could bond with my baby as well as a mother who had a vaginal delivery because my body did not release the "love hormone" through this type of delivery and we would both be traumatized for life now. i know that has to be absolute bullsh!t, but it made this hormonal mama cry for a good hour straight. i love my baby so much, and i know i did the best thing for her health and for my own.

but even still, i'm really feeling low about this tonight. have any other of you post-section mamas felt this way, especially those who were emergent and unplanned? is this normal to feel this way? or am i just dealing with stupid people who need to be cut and throat-punched? 

1) Your "friend" is an complete moron. 

2) Yes to both of your questions. Yes it is normal to feel the way you are feeling and yes you are dealing with people who deserve a throatpunch.

ave1012

I had to have an emergent c-section under general anesthesia due to rapid onset of complications with my health. This was my first pregnancy and I had a vision of how things were going to be and it was not c-section or general anesthesia. I felt a full range of emotions after the birth. My husband was not allowed in the room, so there was not a witness (DH or myself) to the birth or cutting the cord. I did not get immediate skin to skin and was way too groggy to breastfeed initially when I woke up. I only remember pieces and parts of the first 24 hours after the c-section. I mostly felt that I left my DD down because I did not give her the "magical moments" after she was born. I cried a lot for a few weeks but my DH assured me that I did nothing wrong and our DD loved me no matter how she entered the world. YOU DID NOT FAIL!!!! You carried a child, that in itself is an achievement, especially if you did IVF. You could have been selfish and not had the c-section and risked it but you were selfless because you were doing what was best for your baby before you even met her. I think when people started talking the bull about not bonding it is because they are insecure about something. My daughter is almost 5 months old, she looks for me when I walk around and she smiles every time when she sees me, NOT TRAUMATIZED!!!!! Sorry for the ramble but I have been with the same emotions that you are going through and it is tough but it should subside.

Worcbride

WHAT?!  That woman really needs some sense slapped into her....I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life!!  Both my kids were CS and let me tell ya, if we were bonded any more than we are then they'd be back in the womb.  

My first CS was unplanned but honestly, no I didnt feel bad about not going vaginally.  I also didnt plan as heavily as you did--I'm a wait-and-see kinda person so I didnt count on going one way or the other.  That being said, my focus was never on the delivery per se but more on the outcome (happy, healthy baby).  It sounds like you made your first Mommy Decision by having the CS...sometimes our Mommy Decisions are easy, sometimes they're hard, sometimes they are popular and sometimes they arent but they are always in the best interest of our kids.  You did the right thing.  Enjoy your baby and tell people like your "friend" that when she gets a medical degree she can hand out medical advice.

Oh, and I've never heard of a "love hormone"--is that the medical term for it?  :-)

LorMor

In my antenatal class, the instructor was very careful to not have an opinion either way (elective c-sections are very common here). But she did say that we need to be grateful that we live in an area/time where these options are possible - whether for an emergency/medical reason or not. 

So try to think of it that way: that you had the option available to you, and you took it because you needed to. 

Please punch your "friend" in the throat. She has other issues and a good solid throat punch may distract her from them. 

loufus

I never respond to posts but felt the need to here.  My first DD was a c-section.  I had a VBAC with my second DD.  I did not bond with DD2 more than I had with DD1 just because I gave birth to her vaginally.  The way a child is brought into the world does not have any bearing on how a mother will be able to bond with a baby.  I promise. 

rachaelbritt

I didn't feel as much guilt as I did disappointment in myself. I couldn't even think about it without crying for the first 2 weeks and now (Sunday will be 4 weeks) it still isn't easy to think about. I feel a lot better now because I know I didn't have a choice (unplanned C Section after being induced) but I still wish I had been able to experience the whole birth experience and especially having her laid on my chest right after she was born. But with all that said I have the most beautiful healthy baby girl now and I would go through it all over again to have her here! She weighed 9 lbs 3 ounces and was trying to come out sideways so if I had been able to have her vaginally it would have probably been pretty rough. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it, just look at your baby and you will feel better!

elizabeth0705

Lurker here! I have not had my twin babies yet, but it is very likely that I will have a c-section and I am fine with that. I was an emergency c-section baby, and I am super close to my mom. She wasn't even awake when I was born because she was under general anesthesia (and my dad wasn't in the room). Trust me, it is 100% possible to bond even without the vaginal delivery experience.

Worcbride

elizabeth0705:

Lurker here! I have not had my twin babies yet, but it is very likely that I will have a c-section and I am fine with that. I was an emergency c-section baby, and I am super close to my mom. She wasn't even awake when I was born because she was under general anesthesia (and my dad wasn't in the room). Trust me, it is 100% possible to bond even without the vaginal delivery experience.

Yup, my mom was under anesthesia when she had me and dad wasnt even in the hospital (they had told him I wouldnt be there until the morning and to go home)--that's the way it used to be done;  my mom and I are very close (and my dad too LOL)

Mrs.Rose

Your "friend" sucks.  

I had SUCH guilt after my failed induction.  Then on top of that, I was a BF failure as well.  It sucked and I was seriously depressed over it.  I was determined to have a VBAC the second time around. Then Carson had serious complications and I had yet another c-section.  This time, I realized how little the method of delivery matters.  Your bond is there, no matter what.  I agree with the PP who said that yes, medical interventions are too high, but the risks are real.  Your situation required intervention to deliver a healthy baby - period.  You should not feel a pinch of guilt or regret over that.   

 

AppleJacks81

I had a c-section almost 3 years ago with DS (I was induced but he was too big - yay for waiting until 41 weeks to induce, thanks doc!). I thought for sure I could push him out, but it wasn't happening. Then I didn't even see him born because they gave me too much narcotic in my spinal and I couldn't breathe, so they intubated me. So double whammy for me. I think the whole experience left me even more wiped out and scared than a mom who just pops a baby out the "right" way. So yeah, I felt that way a bit. It got better as my incision felt better and after I got the okay to exercise, I felt a gloomy fog lifting out of my head. I would chalk a lot up to "baby blues" and not the lack of "love hormone" as your friend suggests.

 If it helps, three years later, the bond is totally there I'm planning a second c-section and from what my friends with 2 or more c-sections tell me, there is a big difference in getting a planned c-section and an unplanned one - physically and mentally.