Intro question

rslhmg

First, I wish I had found this site sooner. I was induced at 32 wks due to developing HELLP syndrome. I went in to the er on June 27th for gall bladder issues and was admitted for over night observation to determine if they had to do surgery the next morning and was informed after my ob checked my lab work that I was being transported to another hospital to have the baby. We spent 7 wks in the NICU, and due to DD having GERD and a hole in her heart were released with an apnea monitor. About a week after we got home my milk production completely stopped due to the depo shot. I had issues the entire time we were in the NICU keeping it up. I was given meds to help increase production and was following a strict pumping schedule set up for me by the lactation specialist, as well as bf once it was ok'd by dds Dr, which helped until I started the depo. DD is currently on formula due to my inability to produce breast milk and while she is thriving and doing better then her drs expected I am experiencing guilt, feeling inadequate as a mother and grief about not having the bond you get from bf. which brings me to my question, have any of you experienced the inability to produce and how did you cope?

CTbride79

First of all, congrats on your DD and welcome to the board! 

As for the milk production question, I did not have your specific issue (I was able to pump for 12 weeks) but my supply eventually did start to wane, and I was never able to traditionally BF (could only do it with the help of a nipple shield) so that was hard to take at first.  But I guess once I realized that DS was doing fine on formula, I didn't stress about BFing so much and decided it was ok to stop. 

My pedi told me he has 2 kids, one was BF and the other was adopted and formula fed, and they are both perfectly healthy, so he told me there was no need to feel guilty about not BFing, and in your case, not being able to produce enough.  I have friends that went through this and they said once they accepted it and just moved on they were fine.  You shouldn't feel guilty...you tried really hard and that is enough IMO.  Don't beat yourself about it! 

jcsntms06

First off congratulations on the birth of your little girl. With both my girls I never had a great supply, okay, I had a crappy supply. I never got DD#1 to the breast at all, she would never latch, so I pumped for two months. I switched to full formula, and had tons of guilt, along with some of the comments from my peers, I felt like a failure, but after a few weeks of her quickly gaining weight, I felt better. Try to think positive. When DD#2 came along, again, another NICU stay, tried BFing and it went okay, but I never made enough, so I had to supplement with formula after each feeding. At two months I started formula full time. I had days where I was very guilty, but at six month old my littlest is thriving so much, that I'm happy with my decision to switch to all formula. I still feel like I bonded with her. Some suggestions would try and do skin to skin contact, I found that the closeness really helped.

Try not to beat yourself up. Your doing a wonderful job! 

rslhmg

I love the idea of babywearing, just not possible for us due to her monitor. I use a lot of bonding activities and techniques with her, she just seems to prefer dh for almost everything. I've lost count of how many times he's had to take over because there was nothing I could do to calm her, but the second he had her she was content. It may not even be related to not bfing, she may have had a preference for him even with bfing. I just find myself feeling that we could have that kind of bond if she had bf. After reading the responses from you wonderful ladies this morning, I have decided I'm going to make myself a list of all the things that are positive about ff, the preference for dh, and the things she does seem to like as strictly a mommy/baby thing and see if that helps me to deal with the negative feelings as well as pinpoint more activities to strengthen our bond.