Desperate for some sleep. And venting.

chickenlittlenc

LO slept really well for the first month or so, but the last 3-4 weeks have been a freaking nightmare.  She'll nap okay during the day most days (although lately that has become a battle as well), but WILL not sleep at night unless someone is holding her.  

 

Tonight, for example, it has gone something like this:

- Fell asleep in her Rock & Play downstairs after her last bottle around 11pm.

- Woke up when I carried her upstairs around midnight.  I held her, rocked her, etc until around 1am.

- At 1am, I told DH that I *needed* him to help.  He'd had approx 8 hrs of sleep in the last 24 hours, while I'd only had about 5 hrs and was going crazy.  He took LO, put her on his chest, and apparently fell asleep.  (I really don't like him doing this.)  I slept too.

- At 2am, DH woke me up and asked me to move LO from him to the pack & play.  She woke up.  I gave her a bottle, and she's still awake.  She'll drift off in my arms, but keeps waking up every 5-10 minutes,  After an hour and forty minutes of this, I got out of bed and came downstairs to the living room... where I'm typing on my laptop in the dark with LO in my arm, wide awake and alternating between fussing and sitting calmly.

 

I don't know what to do.  I start work again in 2.5 weeks and I have no clue how I'm going to function... I work 10 hr days in a job that requires me to be mentally functioning (veterinarian) and I don't think it's going to happen.

 

Meanwhile, the added layer of frustration to all of this is that DH can't help much right now because he needs to get up early every day.  Why?  Because he's in grad school in a program that will do nothing to increase his earning potential, and currently doing a 15 hr/wk internship (essentially unpaid - his stipend amounts to $4.60/hr) where he is permitted to literally work those 15 hours ANY TIME he wants but he always somehow conveniently schedules them in a way that drags them out as long as possible.  (ie. Tomorrow he'll get up, drive 30 minutes to his internship, work an hour or two, then drive 30 minutes home.)   I can't really say anything because I agreed to support him through this grad program, but it's really hard when I see his classmates graduating with master's degrees and now working at Starbucks.   Even if he can get a job in his field, the pay will be about the same as working at Starbucks.  Encouraging him to follow his dreams made sense before we had a kid, and I can't go back on that because I did encourage him to do it, but right now it's hard not to feel resentful.  His schooling/internship/career really won't contribute anything to our family - it will bring him personal fulfillment and help others, which is great, but I guess I just wish I'd not been so self-sacrificing three years ago when we decided for him to start the grad program. 

 

Anyway, nothing I can do about the situation with DH, but hoping I can at least get the sleep thing worked out. 

chickenlittlenc

At least going to med school will mean an eventual payoff for your family... hang in there!!   It sounds like my DH is home a lot more than yours, so I guess I at least have that going for me.

 

He says that reworking his schedule is not an option.  He has a number of reasons, all of which seem pretty unconvincing to me, but I guess maybe I just don't understand the situation.  

adorebella

What I've noticed about my LO is if I try to move him after he's been sleeping longer than a half hour he will wake up and have a hard time going back to sleep. If I'm going to be able to move him I have to do it less than 20 minutes after he falls asleep. 

Shantuck

Our LO started sleeping through the night (7 to 7) when we swaddled in the "Miracle Blanket" (had been using Halo and swaddle me without luck beforehand) with footie pj's (he can get out of the swaddle if he is just in a onesie), used loud white noise (iPod with speakers next to his crib playing a tract from Dr. Harvey Karp's mp3 downloads - Dr. Karp's book says as loud as a shower), and we started giving a 5 oz. bottle of expressed breastmilk to "tank" him up (bottle so you can be sure of how much he's getting). Not sure if it was just one of those or all 3 but that combo was what helped us get more sleep. Every baby is different but just thought I'd share!

Shantuck

Should have mentioned that before these strategies, our LO had to be held as well all night so I feel your pain. Our pediatrician also put him on reflux meds so you may want to ask if that is the issue.

cindybaf

I would take her up to your room in the rock n play, If that means I don't have to wake her. Or put her to sleep in your room from the get go. I have to swaddle lo after moving her upstairs, and hold her for ten minutes after i dream feed her. My lo sleeps in a cradle half the time but her longest stretches of sleep are in her rock n play but I'm worried about her getting too dependent on it and don't use it during the day at all.

cindybaf

And try to keep her up as much as possible during the day so she's more likely to sleep in her bed...
That said, dh also got his mastersno kids yet though and I was skeptical. Chances are if he likes what he does more after finishing he may make more money in the long run. That said, I know how frustrating it feels being the only one working for a couple years. Once dh finished he did get a higher paying job and has been happier with his new line of work...

crystalrain

Do you offer a pacifier? Are you swaddling? Have you tried giving her a bath late at night? I started doing all these things and LO finally started sleeping better. We give her a bath, sometimes really late if she's wide awake, and then put her pj's, lotion her up, and swaddle her tightly. One of us walks around singing to her and gives her the pacifier and eventually her eyes start to close. 

 Also, you said she fell asleep in the rock n play downstairs- if moving her wakes her, I wouldn't pick her up. Wherever she falls asleep, leave her there, right now she's probably overtired and can't fall asleep. Have you been using the rock n play for sleep at night? Move it to where you want it to be and keep it there at night so you don't have to move her. 

 Hope it gets better soon! 

chickenlittlenc

Thanks for all of the ideas!!  

 

I'm not sure whether swaddling at night would help (we stopped when she was 3-4 weeks old because she was fighting the swaddle like crazy), but DH refuses to consider it.  For some reason, he feels very passionately about this and is strongly opposed to it.  He thinks it's cruel to restrain her.  I don't get it, but it's a battle that I've decided not to fight so I'll need to find other alternatives.

 

Bedtime routine is another sticking point in our house.  I can't seem to convince DH of the need for a consistent bedtime routine... he likes for us to go out late at night (for dinner, etc) and says that we need to get LO used to that so that we won't have to always be home at 7pm to put her to bed.  I know, I know.  Anyway, I do have trouble understanding how you guys "know" when it's time to put LO to bed.  She's on a consistent 3-hr EASY routine during the day (well, usually... the sleeping part has been a struggle for the last week or so).  She always starts showing sleepy cues about half an hour after she eats, but how do you decide when to put her down for a nap vs putting her down for the night?  For example, she'll often eat at 8pm & 11pm.... I'm inclined to try putting her to bed after the 8pm meal, but DH often wants to go out to dinner at that time.  That means we don't put her down for the night until after the 11pm meal.  She'll go about six hours without eating after that meal, so it doesn't seem that she's getting hungry, but she isn't sleeping for most of that time.  Does anyone have any concrete ways that determine that she should go down for the night?  I could probably convince him if I had specific cues that I could show him as justification... but right now, hearing that "the books say xyz" or "the girls on the bump say xyz" doesn't convince him.  She falls asleep just fine in her carseat, so he'll say that she can sleep while we're out.... but the problem is getting her to stay asleep once we get home!!

 

I think the biggest problem is that I can't convince DH that her fighting with us at night is due to her being overtired.  He's convinced she's having gas pains... and his mom perpetuates that. ("Oh, she's awake and screaming at night? Must be gas... have you tried new formula? Mixing her bottles differently? Gas drops? etc"  Sigh.)   Therefore, he has no interest in trying to change her bedtime routine because he doesn't think any of that is the problem.

 

As for naps vs sleep locations - she currently naps in our living room in the Rock & Play, and sleeps in the Pack & Play next to our bed.  She'd been sleeping fine in the Pack & Play during her first month... although now that she's having trouble, maybe we should just try moving her to her crib in the nursery.  I can't imagine that will really help, but what have we got to lose? 

 

We haven't tried a paci yet, after watching DH's nephew still sucking his paci at 3 years old.  Maybe it's time to give that a try.  As for baths, they seem to wake her up instead of relaxing her... so we try to avoid doing those close to bedtime.

 

Any other thoughts?  Keep 'em coming!!  Thanks   And contrary to how it may sound in this post, DH really is a good guy... we're just having trouble agreeing on some of this stuff because I'm the reading/researching type and he thinks all baby/sleep/etc books are a load of crap and automatically dismisses any idea that comes from one.

chickenlittlenc

cindybaf:

That said, dh also got his mastersno kids yet though and I was skeptical. Chances are if he likes what he does more after finishing he may make more money in the long run. That said, I know how frustrating it feels being the only one working for a couple years. Once dh finished he did get a higher paying job and has been happier with his new line of work...

 

I really hope you're right.  Unfortunately DH's grad program is seminary.... and he wants to work in areas that traditionally pay very low (youth minister in a small church or non-profit local missions work).  He has already told me that he likely won't even make enough to cover the cost of daycare.  We'll see.  I'm hoping he's just being pessimistic on the pay issue. 

jenniet4

Have you watched "Happiest Baby on the Block?"  You can watch it instantly from Amazon.

If you haven't already, I recommend it.  I think it would be good for you and your DH to watch together so that your DH can see why swaddling and some of the other odd sleeping techniques work. 

I watched the video w/ my DH when DD1 was about 12 weeks old.  It was such an eye-opener for us both.  We wished we had watched it much sooner!

With DD2, DH is always commenting about how DD2 is still in her "4th trimester."  ;-)

chickenlittlenc

JodieLyn10:

Uuuummmm, your DH is CRAZY if he thinks you guys will be able to continue eating out late at night and just "getting LO used to that"!!!!  Bedtimes for babies don't get later as they get bigger, they get earlier!  Does he think children in school should be up till 11 or midnight?  Her bedtime is going to need to be around 7:30 for years!  HE is the one that needs to get used to it! Sorry to say this so harshly but your DH needs to learn ASAP that you have a child and your life needs to change. The days of going out late whenever you want without a sitter are OVER...PERIOD! 

 

He's not being childish.... he's just going by what he has learned in his family.  I really respect my MIL & SIL and feel that both of them are/were great moms, and they didn't/don't go by any of the current popular sleep philosophies.

 

For example, once or twice a week we have dinner with DH's parents.  On those nights, we're over at their house til 10pm and they know we have a 30 minute drive home.  MIL keeps pj's for LO at her house, so we'll change her into her pj's at some point during the evening and she'll fall asleep over there.... she'll sleep on the drive home, but then she'll wake up when we get home.  DH's family feels that LO will eventually overcome that and sleep straight through once she falls asleep (as SIL's kids did).  DH sees no reason to disagree with them, so he doesn't see any value in trying to do this early, set-in-stone bedtime-at-home-every-night routine.  It's not that he's unwilling.... it's just that he views it as totally unnecessary.

 

 

britbratjf

Your DH is Rediculous. You need to sit him down and tell him that when you had a baby your lives changed and you aren't going to be able to do all the things you did before. You can't force a little infant to do things on YOUR schedule, you need to change your routine to work around LO's schedule. It sounds like you know this but you aren't standing up to your DH. When your DH wants to go out to eat at 8pm, tell him to go alone but you're going to stay home and put your LO to bed! Your child is certainly overtired and it sounds like a consistent nighttime routine would REALLY help you. LO's learn their nighttime routine fast, mine figured out when it was bedtime within a few days of us starting her routine. We don't do a bath every night, just simply put on her nightlight, white noise machine and rock her during her last feed of the night around 8:30. We put her down in her crib, drowsy but awake, she will fall asleep on her own within 20 min. She generally sleeps 56 hours and then wakes for her MOTN feed and I'm up with her for 15 min or less because she understands it's still nighttime and she needs to go back to sleep. Your LO will start to differentiate night sleep from day sleep if you get her in a routine.

Sorry this is do long but you need to stand up to your DH and do what is best for LO and it sounds like you know what that is, you are just letting DH call the shots.

Shantuck

I agree with the others. A routine is really important for good sleep. As a very active and type A person, the prospect of being stuck at home has been a challenge but once I came to grips with it, he slept through the night. We love going out to dinner but we now either go before LO's bedtime (like at 5 pm) or order takeout after he is asleep. And when we go to a friend's for dinner, we stick with the routine at their house (the sleep sack, white noise app on my phone, 5 oz. bottle to tank him up) - basically everything but the bath and then put him down in his portable crib.

starlababy02

Without commenting on your DH's view on sleep, I have to tell you that an 8-8:30 bedtime routine really turned our sleep around and helped her (and us) tremendously.  Perhaps you can suggest a one week trial run to him? Once he sees the results, maybe he'll be more easily convinced? 

In the beginning, I wanted to stay up to my non-baby bedtime (11ish) to hang out w/hubby, watch tv, browse the internet, etc.  So I would basically let her hang out with us in the living room (sleeping in her PnP) until we both went to bed.  She would wake us up continuously!! At around 4 weeks I decided to implement the bedtime routine, and now I go to sleep when she does.  Yes, that means I miss out on hanging with my hubby alone after he gets home from work, and it means missing my shows that are on after 8, but it also means i get waaay more uninterrupted sleep so I can feel better during the day.  And I know it's temporary, and when shes a few months older, I'll probably get that evening time back.  I do wonder what your DH's thoughts are on, say, a kindergardner's/or school age child's bedtime?