WWYD? Invite or not? rainbow pg mentioned

weddedwife

Hi ladies.

Really struggling with this one. DH turns 40 next month and I'm having a little surprise get together here at the house. Can't do much else since I'm on bed rest. A wonderful friend has offered to help coordinate and make it happen.

There's a couple I'm not sure I should invite. We were really close w them at one point. DH has been friends w the guy for 20 years and he was one of DH's groomsmen. We were at their wedding too, and used to see them a ton. Since having DD it tapered off a bit but we would still make an effort to get together once a month or so, which we were doing up until last Sept. or so.

Then the baby died. They sent a card, but never called. That was it and we haven't heard from them since. It's been over 10 months. DH has invited them to 2 or 3 things since, but they have either not shown up or not responded. We are both feeling pretty hurt by their lack of support.

I'm inclined to not invite them at all. You know how it goes the first meeting after your loss; it tends to dominate the conversation. Or, they awkwardly ignore it and that sucks even more. Also, they don't even know I'm pg again yet, nor do they know the struggles we've had trying to stay pg w this rainbow baby. So, another conversation dominator. I also don't want them to assume since I'm pg again, that we're "better" now. In short, they just haven't been there for us and subsequently have no clue what's going on in our lives. I feel like DH's bday party might not be the place for all of this "catch up" talk. Everyone else who will be there has been very supportive and knows all about what's going on in our lives. But part of me thinks, suck it up, it's DH's old buddy, let them come celebrate his bday and maybe bridge the gap.

FWIW, I asked DH what he thought about this friendship a few weeks back. He acknowledged his hurt. I asked if he was just "done" with this guy and he said he's never really "done" w a friend, but he's not going to go out of his way to salvage this friendship. If he sees him, fine. But otherwise, oh well. It doesn't sound like he has plans to contact this guy anytime soon.

So what would you do? Invite them, maybe repair the relationship, but possibly deal w massive awkwardness at a not so large gathering? There will be maybe 20 people there. Or would you just skip it, celebrate w the people who are part of your current support system, and let the day be about DH?

karebear57

I would say not invite them unless you guys are able to get together before your dh's shindig to talk. But if your dh is just on the fence about a continued friendship then just try to have them over to talk afterwards. I wouldn't go through too much trouble for them since they haven't for you, and it would just be added stress for you guys since they've been outta the loop for so long (not on your part). But ultimately it is up to you, just my opinion. ((Hugs)) Good luck with the party! Don't make him feel too old!

pottermommy

If they can't call to ask about his birthday or to say happy bday I say leave them out of it.  That day should be about DH and he will be sad about celebrating it without your angel as it is.  If they can't be supportive everyday than they aren't going to be supportive on an important one.  Hugs sorry you are going through that, it sucks.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I say if you've tried to get together with them before and they bailed then that's it.  Anymore I see life as being way to short to deal with things like that.  Surround your DH with people you know support you and him and try to enjoy the day as much as possible without at least that cloud lingering over it.  I hate that you have to make this difficult decision.  I hate that any of us have to but unfortunately that's life now and I'd rather be around people that genuinely care and support us then hang on to fakers.  Wishing you peace and love.

jbranden12

To be honest, I would invite them. Prepare yourself for them not to say a word about Nathaniel or your newest LO, but don't bother stressing about any awkwardness.

Ultimately, you know you have the moral friendship high ground. They should have been more supportive. However, your DH's party isn't the time to bring up their hurtful actions. In the end, it seems to me that you will be more likely to repair the relationship in the future if they are at least included in the party. So, if that is what you want (to eventually repair the relationship), invite them. 

ILoveRedVino

In some ways, I want to say that you should invite them.  They probably didn't know what to say and were scared of saying the wrong thing.  Be the bigger person and re-start the friendship.

But friendship is a two way street.  It has been 10 months and they haven't reached out at all... I think that is a pretty clear message that they've sent.  I feel like loss really does teach you who your true friends are.  Even if they felt uncomfortable, it wasn't about them - they should have gotten over their discomfort and been there for you.  For me, as bad as this sounds, I'd consider that relationship to be over.