How to instill empathy?

KelliLynee

I'm trying to teach DD that when we do something that hurts someone else, whether by accident or on purpose, it's kind to ask if they are ok, or to say sorry, etc. I'm not into forced apologies, and what we try to do is talk about how the incident might have made her feel, and what she could do to help the other person feel better, but its not really doing much. I wouldn't be so worried about it at such a young age, but she thinks its funny sometimes to do mean things, especially midtantrum, and I really want her to start getting an understanding about how her actions affect other people.

KateLouise

i think the most important thing is modelling. So if I accidentally bump into LO I ask if she's ok, say sorry etc etc.

I also point out people's emotions. "Gosh that little girl looks upset, do you think she's ok?" when we're reading a book etc. 

I think a lot of the, "it's funny to do something mean" is about getting a reaction. As they get older they start to understand how it feels and hopefully don't want to hurt people.

I'm not into forced apologies either, but I pay attention to how DD1 responds herself because often she 'apologises" in her own way. For example, if she bumps her sister over, she might go and get her a toy to look at. So I take the opportunity to say, "That was really kind of you to get that toy for DD2, look how much she's enjoying it. She looks much happier..." and so re-inforce the positives when they occur, and direct her attention to when people feel happy.

At this stage, I'm just hoping this all ends up with DD being empathetic and compassionate. 

Bride-hilda

I would try turning the tables. "How would you feel if...?" I would also try saying, "It's more fun to be nice, because you'll have more people to play with." I would really focus on the natural consequences of her actions, because there are lots of them.

nosoup4u

Kids don't understand empathy until 4-5.

If she's being really mean while having tantrums, could it be because she gets a reaction from you when she does it?

I wouldn't stress about it, just keep talking about how hitting, etc. gives other people ouchies. 

sadsadie

Personally, I do think children can begin developing their emotional intelligence (responsible for empathy) quite early. Modeling the type of behaviour you want to see and talking about why we don't hurt people are good places to start, but they aren't always enough. Educating a child is wonderful, but not always adequate for the action (like repeatedly hitting or biting). Sometimes we may have to artificially enforce consequences to help them understand some actions are highly undesirable. Of course, you want to make sure the disciplinary action is appropriate to the child's developmental stage...no sense in giving a one-year old a time out.

I have to disagree about not insisting on apologies with older children. If kids only apologize when they really feel it, they're going to grow up to be really confused (and rude) adults. Most of the time people don't apologize because they're really sorry, they do it as etiquette in order to preserve relations and "keep the peace." We need to teach our kids that sometimes we say the "right thing" even if we don't feel it at the time in order to live in a civilized society and preserve other people's feelings. I feel the same way about requiring kids to say "hello, goodbye, please and thank you." They need to learn the social rituals and expectations surrounding these terms in order not to become totally socially incompetent later. Trust me, you do not want a kid who only says things when they really mean it...such kids will be viewed as rude, insolent and difficult, even if they really aren't. 

One last thing...I find kids who read more are better at empathizing with others. Reading seems to really help develop emotional intelligence by helping to put kids in someone else's shoes, so to speak. So read with your kids!

nosoup4u

sadsadie:

Personally, I do think children can begin developing their emotional intelligence (responsible for empathy) quite early. Modeling the type of behaviour you want to see and talking about why we don't hurt people are good places to start, but they aren't always enough. Educating a child is wonderful, but not always adequate for the action (like repeatedly hitting or biting). Sometimes we may have to artificially enforce consequences to help them understand some actions are highly undesirable. Of course, you want to make sure the disciplinary action is appropriate to the child's developmental stage...no sense in giving a one-year old a time out.

I have to disagree about not insisting on apologies with older children. If kids only apologize when they really feel it, they're going to grow up to be really confused (and rude) adults. Most of the time people don't apologize because they're really sorry, they do it as etiquette in order to preserve relations and "keep the peace." We need to teach our kids that sometimes we say the "right thing" even if we don't feel it at the time in order to live in a civilized society and preserve other people's feelings. I feel the same way about requiring kids to say "hello, goodbye, please and thank you." They need to learn the social rituals and expectations surrounding these terms in order not to become totally socially incompetent later. Trust me, you do not want a kid who only says things when they really mean it...such kids will be viewed as rude, insolent and difficult, even if they really aren't. 

Have you ever tried to make your kid say sorry? I'm guessing no. 

Making kids apologize because they are supposed to teaches them nothing. Not forcing them to apologize isn't going to make anyone socially incompetent. Talking about how you *should* apologize when you hurt someone, etc., and modeling that behavior is just as valid a method. 

My older son says "please, thank you, sorry" unprompted,  and we have rarely, if ever, insisted on it. Even my almost two-year-old will say "please, thank you, sorry" - but not in the right contexts. Which proves that people (especially kids) pick up on social niceties without having it spelled out for them.. 

sadsadie

Well, that's good, I'm happy your kids are socially aware, emotionally intelligent beings. However, personal anecdotes are not universal truths. As a teacher, empathy and conscience are something I get to teach kids all day every day, sometimes formally, sometimes on the fly. It's part of what educators do...school isn't just about reading and writing anymore.

Some kids need stronger reinforcement of social norms and manners.I see kids that aren't taught social etiquette (and the disadvantage it puts them at) all the time. Many of these kids come to be seen as "mean" or awkward to hang out with, and other kids begin to shun them, especially as they get a little older (believe it or not, even teens prefer nice people to mean/thoughtless ones). People who know the social code can use it and benefit from it in all areas of life.

The truth is that emotional intelligence is something that some kids have a lot of, others very little, just like some are naturally athletic and others are totally uncoordinated. All children benefit from being taught, knowing (and knowing how to) adapt to social norms and play by the "rules," even if they don't feel them.  Sometimes this means leading by example and talking about emotions, and sometimes it means insisting that certain social norms are upheld (such as insisting on an apology). Sometimes by "forcing" the action, the emotions follow soon after...I have rarely seen a case where a kid who was part of a mediated "mending" session where the "forced" apology didn't actually develop into a real one with some guided discussion by a properly trained adult. Courts of law often insist on apology statements for this very reason...why wouldn't we?

 

KateLouise

sadsadie:

Personally, I do think children can begin developing their emotional intelligence (responsible for empathy) quite early. Modeling the type of behaviour you want to see and talking about why we don't hurt people are good places to start, but they aren't always enough. Educating a child is wonderful, but not always adequate for the action (like repeatedly hitting or biting). Sometimes we may have to artificially enforce consequences to help them understand some actions are highly undesirable. Of course, you want to make sure the disciplinary action is appropriate to the child's developmental stage...no sense in giving a one-year old a time out.

I have to disagree about not insisting on apologies with older children. If kids only apologize when they really feel it, they're going to grow up to be really confused (and rude) adults. Most of the time people don't apologize because they're really sorry, they do it as etiquette in order to preserve relations and "keep the peace." We need to teach our kids that sometimes we say the "right thing" even if we don't feel it at the time in order to live in a civilized society and preserve other people's feelings. I feel the same way about requiring kids to say "hello, goodbye, please and thank you." They need to learn the social rituals and expectations surrounding these terms in order not to become totally socially incompetent later. Trust me, you do not want a kid who only says things when they really mean it...such kids will be viewed as rude, insolent and difficult, even if they really aren't. 

One last thing...I find kids who read more are better at empathizing with others. Reading seems to really help develop emotional intelligence by helping to put kids in someone else's shoes, so to speak. So read with your kids!

I think there's a big difference between the situation where you bump into someone in the street and you apologise as a reflex without really thinking, and the situation where you have knowingly/deliberately caused harm in someway. The first is very similar to teaching a child to say please and thank you over the dinner table. The second is like expressing deepfelt gratitude when you've been in need.

I'm a teacher too, and there are plenty of times when I remind kids to say sorry, in the same way I remind them to say please and thank you, but in a situation of a real grievance  and I find that forced apologies leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth. The victim feels like nothing was done for them, the perpetrator feels like they got away with it, and as an educator I feel like I have neither created a safe space for the victim, or taught the perpetrator anything of value. Even if the forced apology is preceded with all the, 'let's talk about what happened...." everyone knows that it is just a meaningless, empty word.

Children aren't dumb. They pick up quickly what is appropriate, and they know how to "toe the party line" and do what will get them out of trouble quickly. And any socially alert person can tell a false apology from a genuine one, especially when it comes from the mouth of a sullen teen.

I find it much more effective to say to the perpetrator, "so you've done x, y and z, you know Jimmy feels badly, what can you do to make it better?" and let them come up with their own solution. Sometimes that's a verbal apology, sometimes it's to help them fix what is broken, monetary repayment etc etc etc.

Then I ask the victim how they feel about that solution. Ask if anyone else has anything else to say and we all move on. Just about always, that kind of exchange is followed by a friendly chat and a verbal apology or extrapolation of the apology as they leave the room, because the perpetrator has come to it in their own way.

I insist my child says goodbye when we visit the grandparents but I don't tell her how to do that. If she wants to give them a kiss, great, if she just wants to wave that's fine too. She's exploring social boundaries and how her behaviour affects other. So I'll say, "Grandma really liked cuddling you goodbye" or "Grandma's waving goodbye too."

We probably all know someone who refuses to apologise, but I think that's more likely to come from having a parent who models that kind of behaviour than from not being forced to apologise as a child. 

nosoup4u

sadsadie:

Well, that's good, I'm happy your kids are socially aware, emotionally intelligent beings. However, personal anecdotes are not universal truths. As a teacher, empathy and conscience are something I get to teach kids all day every day, sometimes formally, sometimes on the fly. It's part of what educators do...school isn't just about reading and writing anymore.

Some kids need stronger reinforcement of social norms and manners.I see kids that aren't taught social etiquette (and the disadvantage it puts them at) all the time. Many of these kids come to be seen as "mean" or awkward to hang out with, and other kids begin to shun them, especially as they get a little older (believe it or not, even teens prefer nice people to mean/thoughtless ones). People who know the social code can use it and benefit from it in all areas of life.

The truth is that emotional intelligence is something that some kids have a lot of, others very little, just like some are naturally athletic and others are totally uncoordinated. All children benefit from being taught, knowing (and knowing how to) adapt to social norms and play by the "rules," even if they don't feel them.  Sometimes this means leading by example and talking about emotions, and sometimes it means insisting that certain social norms are upheld (such as insisting on an apology). Sometimes by "forcing" the action, the emotions follow soon after...I have rarely seen a case where a kid who was part of a mediated "mending" session where the "forced" apology didn't actually develop into a real one with some guided discussion by a properly trained adult. Courts of law often insist on apology statements for this very reason...why wouldn't we?

Are you a mom yet? The reason I ask is because trying to make a kid apologize for something is an easy way to get into a showdown/battle of wills situation - which doesn't teach them anything about empathy.

The reason I listed my two-year-old as an example is because I was showing that he *doesn't* know when to use "please, thank you and I'm sorry", he just knows that the people around him use them. That's how the majority of kids figure these things out.

I teach, too. And if something happens in that one student should apologize to someone else, I will tell them sometimes, "you need to apologize", but I also point out that so-and-so is mad or sad, and that the student who made that happen needs to figure out how to make it right.

I find it really hard to believe that humanity's downfall will be the fact that not enough kids have had their parents and teachers remind them when to say, "I'm sorry". 

Looks like KateLouise beat me to it - what she said!