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Parenting
DH and his bad mood
From the second DH woke up this morning, he was in a bad mood. I'm getting tired of this. I am the most outgoing, excited person you will ever meet. And somehow, I married a guy who finds thrill in nothing, and finds everything a burden, it seems. We've been married over 7 years now.
I couldn't take it anymore after our park visit today. He stood there, with a frown on his face and his arms crossed, just watching DD and I play. No interaction with either of us, and he seemed incredibly annoyed just being there. It broke my heart. I tried to tell him how frustrated I was that it felt like my Saturday was revolving around his bad mood, and he ripped off his sunglasses and CRUMPLED them in one hand, threw them on the ground and punched the steering wheel.
Ugh.
We've been through counseling before. Never any physical violence. But I don't see any changes with him. He's only happy when he's playing video games. I feel like DD and I are just burdens to him, getting in the way of his video games. I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm just bummed about his actions.
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Re: DH and his bad mood
I'm sorry. I think you really need to have a talk with him if you can catch him in a decent, calm mood. Is there anything else that might be bothering him - work, etc? Is he unhappy in the marriage in other ways, or is it just the video gaming (and that sounds like a real addiction if it is)? Is he depressed?
Maybe suggest another round of counseling. It sounds like there are some issues that need to be worked through to see if your marriage can be saved. You deserve more than a life dealing with your partner's unhappiness all the time.
I sat my DH down and told him how I felt that he was always unhappy when around the kids and I. We had a calm talk and it came out that he has been very unhappy with his work and stressed about our finances and he was projecting. He has since made a huge effort.
So maybe sit your DH down and see what is bothering him? And tell him he can't act like an angry child.
The last counseling we had was so excellent. We had a great counselor who really helped us talk through our problems. Unfortunately it didn't have a lasting effect. DH would put on a good face for that, and then in the car tell me that it was totally one-sided and that he's always being blamed for everything and that I need to "own up" to my problems. He basically gets annoyed when I try to make him laugh. I do a lot of improv comedy theater so sometimes I get goofy in to that stuff around him and he hates it.
I am so exhausted, emotionally. I was semi-dancing in the car (you know like when a good song comes on and you get excited) and he got so upset and told me that I need to learn the lyrics to the song, and quit dancing around.
I just want to have fun. I'm so responsible. I give myself IV infusions 2 times a week for a disorder that should have killed me (not trying to be dramatic; I have hereditary angioedema), and maybe I just expect too much out of the world and out of DH. I work, hard, at my job doing background checks on people. I try to be a good mom to DD and I try to have fun because life is so short. And he is unhappy with everything, always. Nothing is ever good enough - I literally get shocked when he has something funny or positive to say.
I don't know what I was thinking to let this go on so long. I'm isolated from my friends (he finds characteristics in them that he despises and over the course of our marriage I feel like I've lost a lot of friends because he just doesn't like them). Hence the reason I'm writing this out here.
DD is 3 and I couldn't imagine leaving DH. I feel like I have rose colored glasses on. We just bought a house, things are going really well save for this issue and I don't want things to crumble. It breaks my heart that I've gotten to a point where I can't even talk to him because he blows up, so I do everything around here while he plays video games. I never pictured myself as this type of person. I never pictured myself being such a push over. I don't even know where to begin fixing this.I cannot honestly answer "yes" to this question, and it breaks my heart.
He is overweight, and refuses to exercise. He refuses to go to a doctor, for even the most minor things. He always tells me they will put him on the scale and get on his case about his weight.
He had a double ear infection AND a sinus infection last winter and he was absolutely miserable when he finally went to the doctor. And she barely mentioned his weight. Short of him being super sick, I'm not really sure how to get him to go to the doctor.
"We just bought a house, things are going really well save for this issue and I don't want things to crumble. It breaks my heart that I've gotten to a point where I can't even talk to him because he blows up, so I do everything around here while he plays video games."
I am so sorry but things aren't going well and this isn't one issue. For your own sake, go to counseling by yourself if he won't go with you. Get back in contact with your friends, even if he doesn't like them. He doesn't have to see them with you.
You can't make him change if he isn't ready to or want to but you can improve your quality of life. Maybe feeling more confident and empowered will clarify whether or not you want to stay with him.
Thank you for the completely honest advice - I think it's hard for me to come to that place on my own but you're right, all of you. All of my life it's been easiest for me to stay where I'm comfortable - any upheaval sends things into a spiral and for the past little while, I've just tried to go about avoiding the situation as if no problem exists. But problems do exist.
This is a heavy night. Ugh.
I 'ver selected certain passages here in the hopes that I can bring you to see what I am seeing; a man who is ill with depression (obviously he needs a diagnosis from a real doc, but the signs here are unmistakable). Please look at this as you would any other illness (like your own!); your husband needs love,empathy,support and treatment. However, if he is as resistant to going to the doctor as you say he is this might be very tough. You can't force him to get treatment, and unless he wants to get better...he probably won't. The video games are not the cause here, just a poor coping/escape mechanism, much like alcohol or gambling.
I hope you will talk to your husband and try to encourage him to get help (therapy, routine and lifestyle changes, CBT, or possibly even meds) before deciding to throw in the towel. You married this guy for a reason, I'm sure he wasn't always like this. I hope with some encouragement, education and treatment you can find yourself a happy, functioning family once again.
His mother is bi-polar, and has other undiagnosed mental health issues. My thoughts go there immediately when things like happen; finding the best way to bring it up is less than easy though. How do you tell someone, "you might be depressed/bi-polar/etc and you need to go see a doctor"? Just like that? I'm almost at the point where I don't care how mad he gets, he needs to realize how it is affecting everyone around him and not just myself and DD.
EDD 1/31/13, MC May 17. EDD 3/31/13, MC July 26. I miss you so much already my angel loves
The best way is, if you can, to get him to admit it himself. If you can at least get him to admit he's depressed, he'll be so much closer to getting better. I don't know your relationship or dynamic with your DH, obviously, but I've had success before, with a depressed person who wouldn't admit to certain obvious things by saying something like "Well, would you say that you're sad most of the time?" (yes) "Would you agree that *insert more obvious depression signs here that she has* is true for you?" (yes) "If you had a friend who did *those things she just admitted to doing*, would you say that she was depressed?"
Obviously you have to say this very lovingly and gently or the message becomes a sarcastic put-down.
He sounds depressed, really. I would really encourage him to seek individual counseling. Not wanting to take care of his health, or participate in family things is a huge sign.
No, don't try to play doctor and diagnose him. Just tell him you're very, very concerned by his behaviour and that you think it would be helpful to your relationship if he would talk to his doctor about how he's feeling. You could say "to me, it seems like you might be suffering from depression," but don't tell him he has depression (none of us know for sure) or give him any kind of ultimatums. The only thing you can do is express concern and support him in getting help.
If he absolutely refuses to get help...then you may have to look into getting yourself out of the relationship. No one expects you to be a martyr to his untreated illness.
Good luck!
I only read about half of the responses, so this may have been covered, but this is my opinion. It sounds to me like a combination of a gaming addiction and depression which probably feed off of each other. The result is manipulative behavior and emotionally abusive moments. How common those emotionally abusive moments are will probably determine how damaging all of this is to you. Punching the steering wheel and crumpling his glasses in reaction to you telling him how you felt IS abusive behavior. That doesn't automatically mean that you should leave him, it does mean that he is being disrespectful of boundaries.
What you talked about in regard to your last counseling experience is very typical for addicts and people who are abusive (which frequently is the same thing). He wasn't being honest with the counselor and wasn't giving the two of you a chance to work through what he considers to be issues with a non-biased third party. He was just giving the answers he thought were required to make himself look good. Then he twisted that around on the drive home to make you feel like you had done something wrong. He felt out of control and ashamed so he needed to make you feel the same way.
If I were in that particular situation I would probably have responded by saying something along the lines of, "Well, that needed to be talked about with the counselor. I don't want to talk about it right now, but let's bring it up next week." Then next week, take the initiative to say, "As we were driving home last week, DH, you mentioned that you felt like I'm not taking responsibility for some of my issues. Can you tell me what you think I need to address that I'm ignoring." The goal is to let the counselor in on what is going on, without accusing your DH.
As far as how to begin fixing it, you can't "fix" him. But you can decide how you want to live your life, set boundaries, and communicate those with your DH. For example, him telling you that you needed to learn the lyrics and calm down, you could say, "Wow! That was really rude. Please don't talk to me like that." It's not that he can't ask you to be quieter. If he needs you to stop, he can tell you respectfully that he needs something different from you. Just know that if he is addicted and manipulative what he "needs" will always be changing. As soon as you change your behavior to hit his mark, he will suddenly "need" something else. Sorry this was so long. I've dealt with stuff like this before and have had some success... mostly because my DH was committed to making our marriage work and dealing honestly with his addiction issues. If you want to talk more about it, feel free to PM.
This is my siggy. Love it.
Everybody's already said everything.
You have choices, even if they are hard to exercise. Live your life like this or don't.
I vote don't.
Our of curiosity, how old are you guys? The only reason I ask is because, in my experience, video game dependencies either come from younger men or men who wish they were still younger men. Obviously that's not a universal statement, just my own experience.
What are the circumstances surrounding your relationship? Was your pregnancy planned? If unplanned, how did he react when you found out? Or, if it was planned, did he just agree to having a baby to be agreeable, like he does in counseling?
Did you live together before getting married? I know that sometimes, the reality of living together often greatly disagrees with the expectations, especially if he was used to having an "escape" for lack of a better word, from your energetic personality. Is is possible that's what he uses the video games for? I'm not saying your personality is to blame because there's nothing wrong with being a happy person and he is 100% responsible for his actions and reactions. However, if he's more low key, going from living in a low-key environment to one with someone who's got a lot of energy and who is the singing/dancing in the car type can be quite the adjustment. Again, I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, just that the adjustment may have been a lot for him. Is it possible he was looking through rose-colored glasses, too?
As far as counseling goes, those sessions were NOT good or great because he wasn't being honest. When he reacts to these things after the sessions, have you ever asked him why he doesn't bring that up when you're with the doctor? Of course he's going to continue to feel as though he's being blamed if he doesn't offer up any explanations for his behavior. If he's throwing hissy fits or being verbally abusive, that IS his fault, and you pointing it out is simply a statement of fact. But, if he won't acknowledge this, and this is his reaction to counseling, how is he going to feel if someone (you, a dr, whoever) suggests depression? I think it'd make him shut down even further, and again revert to the "Of course, there has to be something wrong with ME, it's all MY fault" attitude. It seems as though he just agrees to avoid conflict, which is completely counterproductive because then he just starts an argument about what he just agreed to.
I'm of the mind of, if something is broken, you fix it. However, I also acknowledge that in some cases, loving and caring for your child separately can do a world of good on that child. My parents divorced when I was 5, and I can promise you I turned out better for it than I would have if they stayed together (they still have issues being in the same room as each other and I get stressed just thinking about times they have to be around each other). In your situation, the problems you have seem much more deep-rooted than simply being unhappy in marriage or having lost the spark that made you two fall in love in the first place. If he isn't open to fixing things and refuses to acknowledge that it takes two to make a marriage work, then maybe it's time to reevaluate how healthy this home will be for your child as they get older and are able to really pick up on the negativity surrounding your relationship.
So sorry you're dealing with this. I went through this with an ex, and thankfully it ended before we got to the point where we got married or started talking children. It's hard to admit something is over, but looking back, I see that I would be horribly unhappy had we stayed together. I hope you're able to find the solution that works for you and your family.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this- it sounds miserable and you even said it is breaking your heart.
Can you say more about the circumstances during your courtship and getting married? Was he always like this and you thought he would change? Was he different during the courtship? Did you feel trapped? I am just trying to understand if things changed or if it was always like this. If things have changed in terms of how he is acting and treating you, I think this is a good sign compared to the alternative.
That being said, he definitely sounds depressed and has some control issues. He definitely needs to get to a doctor. Is there anyone in his life that he is more apt to take seriously and listen to than yourself? Also, I agree that you should continue going to counseling by yourself. Life is too short to be miserable! I'm sorry again and I hope things improve soon.
This sounds like classic depression. I've struggled with my own depression issues off and on, and finding everything a burden is quite typical.
Unfortunately the main options are therapy and/or medication. Sometimes sleep, diet and exercise can help improve the situation. Not sure what his job situation is, but job stress can certainly make symptoms worse.
LuckyDad - Men and women are wired so differently in the communication department. Can you make some suggestions on the best ways to approach this with him from a man's point of view?
I wish I knew. I mean, there's the usual stuff that works for everyone, such as instead of telling someone "You need to be more ____", saying "It makes me feel ____ when you _____". The former kind of statement instantly puts someone on the defensive, where "I feel" statements allow the listener to think "Ok, I care about this person and don't want them to feel that way." Of course, they can always say "Well, you just shouldn't feel that way".
Really all you can do is try to help someone with love, but sometimes people just don't want help. Believe it or not, depression can be a very comfortable state. Really, the best line of attack is probably along the lines of "I just want DD to have a happy childhood with a dad who is actively engaged in her life". A lot of us men didn't have ideal dads, and we want to do better than our father's did, even if we're not always sure how.