DS and his Dad
Lately, the way that DS (who is five years old) is reacting to DH is getting me really worried. The smallest things that DH does just sets DS off into whining fits or screaming tantrums where he screams for me. It's really hurting my husband that our son really seems to not want anything to do with him! I see that DS seems to be pushing my husbands buttons in terms of his patience which he does not do with me. For example, when it's DH's turn to get DS ready for school, DS will pretty obviously go purposefully slow. When DH will say, "Come on! Hurry up or we'll be late!" DS will whine loudly, flinch, cower, and generally do an exaggerated impression of someone about to be beaten (which is absolutely ridiculous, we never even spanked the child, the worst he gets is a light smack on the back of his hand to get his attention during a tantrum). DS will do this...quite a lot, pretty much any time DH tells him to do anything.
It's getting very difficult to function as a family when DS seriously seems to be intent on making a huge show of being frightened of DH and screams for me whenever his dad asks him to do anything! I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to encourage this behavior but I'm really not sure where I can help! My husband is really a great father, reads him his story every night and plays pirates and sword-fighting games and all the father/son stuff...but all of this whining and refusing to listen is getting to be almost an hourly occurrence and I can really see it hurting their relationship in a major way.
Any advice is appreciated! I'm at my wits end here!
Re: DS and his Dad
Well, most kids go through this, and it can be a hassle for both parents. It's awful for the parent who is being rejected, but it's also a drag for the "chosen one" because that parent winds up doing EVERYTHING!!
When our kids were toddlers, we just kind of redirected them and waited for the stage to pass. But the most effective way my DH and I found to deal with this when the kids were older was for the "favorite" parent (usually me) to explicitly defend the other parent. We also framed it as a manners issue.
So when, for instance, DS would say "I don't want to go with Daddy. I like Mommy better," I would respond with, "Hey -- don't you say mean things like that about my husband! Daddy wants to be with you, and you probably hurt his feelings! How would you like it if Daddy said he didn't want to be with you? We don't say mean and hurtful things to each other in our family and I want you to stop saying things like that."
The "chosen" parent has to do this, because any When the "chosen" parent takes a stand against the child's favoritism, it sends several really positive messages:
--it says "your parents' marriage is so strong that they won't even let YOU come between them."
--it says "you are not in control of this family; the parents are," which is always reassuring to the children in the long run, even if it's not what they want to hear in the short term!
--it focuses on developing empathy and putting yourself in someone else's shoes.
HTH!