Second-guessing myself

ellekae

Forgive the following for being so rambling and disorganized.

I always wanted to adopt, specifically from Cambodia. Since Cambodia is closed to US adoptions and has been since 2004 (ish?), DH and I started from square-one in our discussions of adoption. We ended up deciding on the transracial domestic infant program at our agency and were very content with our choice.

Now, I feel like some things just aren't sitting well with me. Not about the agency. They are great. It's just that the whole reason we wanted to adopt was because we figured that we didn't need to try to "make" another baby when there are so many that need homes. As we're going through this process, I'm discovering more and more that it seems to be about finding babies for families who want them, rather than finding families for children in need.

I am wondering if DIA just isn't the program for us. 

I looked at all the international adoption stuff, but I'm just not sure where to go from here.  I talked to DH about it last night, and he actually agreed with me, which I wasn't expecting.

I know it is so much more expensive, more time-consuming, and a lot more complicated... and it's really scary to think about starting over, even though we aren't that far in... but 6 months is 6 months.

Oye. Sorry, I don't make any sense. Ha. Any advice?

Dr.Loretta

If it doesn't feel right to you, and you can handle the time and $ hit that you'll take, maybe now is a good time to reconsider IA and see if it feels like a better fit for you.

CaptainSerious

My husband and I specifically wanted to adopt to share our blessings with a child who might otherwise never get a chance at having a family.  After finding some of the same realities you did, we decided that our only choice was older child adoption.  In our case, we chose to do so internationally, but foster care is also a viable option.  For what it's worth, I also believe there's a great need in some international programs for families to adopt younger children.

That being said, it doesn't have to be much more expensive or even more time consuming, depending on which program you chose.  It is a lot more complicated, but that's where having a really good agency comes in.  They are the ones who are supposed to guide you through.

I know how scary it is to think about starting a new program (we considered switching to foster when the Peru program was slowing up), but it sounds like it might be really worth considering for you.  Yes, you're six months in, but all that time won't be wasted.  Some of your education/research will carry over, and you likely have all the information on hand you'll need for the homestudy, so that can all be expedited.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck!

CaptainSerious

Dr.Loretta:

If it doesn't feel right to you, and you can handle the time and $ hit that you'll take, maybe now is a good time to reconsider IA and see if it feels like a better fit for you.

I kept reading the bolded part as if you meant to say something else, Dr. L., and it would have been totally appropriate.

srmmm09

I understand, I think, what you're saying. DH and I are adopting bc we think there are kids already "made" that need parents. Our adoption from Uganda will end up costing ~$23,000 (including taking DS with us), which it seems like is not that much more expensive than some DIA programs, from what I've heard (though obviously not all programs are that expensive!).

Since all types of adoption require time and effort, I think it's definitely worth making sure you feel confident about the path you're taking. And honestly, Butterbean is so young that you're not in a desperate hurry, you know? I get frustrated at how long we've been waiting for our USCIS approval, but then I remember that (according to our plan years ago, HA) our next child wouldn't have been born until this December. So we're not in a rush in order to keep our kids close together; rather we'll see how far apart DS and baby A will be!

GL on making your decision! 

Dr.Loretta

CaptainSerious:

Dr.Loretta:

If it doesn't feel right to you, and you can handle the time and $ hit that you'll take, maybe now is a good time to reconsider IA and see if it feels like a better fit for you.

I kept reading the bolded part as if you meant to say something else, Dr. L., and it would have been totally appropriate.

LOL, so much for proofreading!

I get this occasionally with DD. Her first initial is S, people have commented on a similar "issue" before

Jenn is Silly

Honestly, anymore with some of these agency fee's, and some of these private situations I see come across, IA IS cheaper then some domestic adoptions- including travel.

We love our DD (DA), but the experience has just shown us how messy/complicated/erratic (pick your descriptive word) adoption in the US is.  We decided that DA just isn't our path for our next adoption, and have opted to adopt from Colombia.

You have to decide what's best for you, and what feels right for you.  Either way, I wish the absolute best for you & DH and peace in your decision!

jillianmb

I can relate because we went back and forth over the same questions.  We seriously looked into doing a trans-racial DIA, but opted for IA b/c we want to provide a home for a child who might not otherwise have one.  I highly suggest looking into adopting a waiting child with special needs (special needs can vary from correctable needs to more severe, permanent needs- you can specify which needs you are comfortable with).  Most times adopting a waiting child speeds the process along.  Friends of ours are adopting from China and were matched with their 8 month old daughter (in need of cleft palate repair surgery) about 8 months into their journey (including home study time).  They will bring her home this fall!  That is compared to the 3-5 year wait for a "healthy" infant.  Worth looking into!

silliestbunny

You are making perfect sense...... on the outside, people often think that PAPs "save" children.  I think that is rarely the case.

I do want to add... and it may be controversial.... but many IA programs are just in demand as DIA.  Anytime PAPs need to "wait" for a baby to be available, there is a line of people ahead and in front of you that are suitable parents for children and could also give a home to this orphan.  IA is definitely different in that these children DO NEED families... but there are usually plenty of families that are awaiting matches.  This is very true w/China and Ethiopia.

If you are really wanting to make a difference, have you considered a SN or waiting child program.  With SN, it may be a medically correctable issue that the child needs and an American family can provide. 

Lastly, to try and keep the flames away   I fully endorse and support the idea of IA... and infant IA.... I just think it's important to be "real" when discussing it.

PS-  A little piece of my heart is still broken in that we decided after about a five month search that we will not pursue Ethiopian adoption.  I really really really wanted to do it... but for various reasons, DA is right for us. 

AwBeth

All the PPs have said it very well.  Since we are able to have children, it was really important to us to provide a home for a child that might not otherwise have a home.  That's the entire reason we looked into adoption in the first place.  (And because you all probably don't remember me, we are adopting a child from the Congo, 0-2 years old).  We have talked with the special needs coordinator with our agency, and like Jillian said, it's really a broad term in international adoption.  It can be minor orthopedic issues, cleft lip, missing finger, and on to more "severe" needs.  You can choose what you are comfortable with, although to be honest, that process was very difficult for me!  It's so hard to pick and choose, but you have to be realistic about what your family can handle.  Good luck in whatever you decide!   

 

ellekae

Thanks, everyone for your input. DH and I talked for a few hours today, and, while we still haven't made any decision one way or another, we are leaning toward adopting a boy with a special placement need from China. Our agency has emphasized to us the need for people willing to adopt boys with minor to severe special needs from China, since there is an assumption left over from the late 80s and early 90s that people need to adopt girls. 

 We are still looking at other possibilities, but China is looking good for the moment. DH has already been there before, and we know a family there... So we could go back in the future as a family and have someone to visit. 

 I also like the idea of Uganda, Ghana, or Ethopia, but I don't know much about our agency's process there. Uganda and Ghana are pilot programs, so that could be complicated and frustrating x1000. 

 I will keep you posted. 

silliestbunny

ellekae:

 I also like the idea of Uganda, Ghana, or Ethopia, but I don't know much about our agency's process there. Uganda and Ghana are pilot programs, so that could be complicated and frustrating x1000. 

 I will keep you posted. 

Sounds like you've made some good progress

FWIW-  I just saw that one agency is ending it's Ghana Pilot w/24 families in the lurch... possibly without any refunds.   

Mrs.Slick

I think you and your husband need to go with your gut instincts here. If the fit isn't right, it will be well worth it to sit back and find the right program for your family. 

And like others have said, IA doesn't have to be more expensive. Ours will end up costing a little more than average costs I've seen for domestic adoptions but the only thing pushing it over that average cost is flights. And if our country of choice weren't a 3 trip country and a 2 or 1 trip country then we'd be very close to "normal" costs.