DH doesn't want more kids. I do.

Ruby_Soho

I have no idea what board to post this in so why not here! After DS#1 we were both ready to try for #2 by the time he was about 4 months old. There's a 17 month age gap between #1 and #2.

I mentioned to DH a while ago that we should make a time to sit down together and discuss #3 which we did. Basically, for a number of reasons DH does not want a third child. I however, do. Quite badly.

Growing up, I have always imagined having a few kids. At least three, maybe five or six. I am not prepared to argue about this with DH, if he doesn't want another kid, I'm not going to force him into it and I'm not going to trick him into it. He needs to want to add to our family, just like I do.

Also, I don't want to wait a few years and see if he changes his mind. If we have three I would like a similar age gap. I was the 4th in my family, 3 siblings close and me a number of years later. Not ideal really. If we were to wait, I'd like to have another two close in age and I'm pretty sure that definitely wouldn't happen!

So basically, all I can do is just get over it. But I don't know how. How do you switch it off? As cheesey as it sounds, it's like there is space in my heart waiting to be filled by another child. Or two or three? 

Has anyone gone through this. Any advice? 

Kb103109

DH and I have been talking a lot about if we should have more kids.  I want another baby now very badly, but with 9 month old twins he thinks I am crazy.  He wants to wait like 5 years and then decide.  I know I want more kids but DH is not really sure because he does not want to have twins again (had some fertility treatments so twins are a real possibility again).  DH would be fine with no more kids, but I have this longing feeling for another child.  I agree with you that I want my kids close in age, like no more then 2 years apart.  The only advice I can give is to keep bringing it up every now and then.  You dont have to sit down and have big talk every time.  I just make little comments when they do something cute like "Wouldn't you like to have this again?".  I feel like if I plant a little seed in his head maybe he will change his mind after he has some time to think about it on his own.  GL!!

Kb103109

DH and I have been talking a lot about if we should have more kids.  I want another baby now very badly, but with 9 month old twins he thinks I am crazy.  He wants to wait like 5 years and then decide.  I know I want more kids but DH is not really sure because he does not want to have twins again (had some fertility treatments so twins are a real possibility again).  DH would be fine with no more kids, but I have this longing feeling for another child.  I agree with you that I want my kids close in age, like no more then 2 years apart.  The only advice I can give is to keep bringing it up every now and then.  You dont have to sit down and have big talk every time.  I just make little comments when they do something cute like "Wouldn't you like to have this again?".  I feel like if I plant a little seed in his head maybe he will change his mind after he has some time to think about it on his own.  GL!!

ldcoffel

I want another, DH says he's done. He says he's open to adoption later on... I think he is just done with the baby stage. Our baby is still nursing and doesn't sttn. He was going to get a vasectomy but never followed through, so in my mind, it's still an option, even though he has made his opinion clear.

i try to remind myself that 2 is a good number when they are both crying, both want to be carried, both are up in the middle of the night...

i also decided I would have to be "that" crazy lady who has to hold everyone's baby. And will work in early childhood education when mine are in school. 

jesselayne8

I don't have any advice but I know that must be hard for you.  I am afraid that if this baby is a boy then DH will want to stop.  I am not ready for this to be my last pregnancy or my last baby.  (((hugs)))

brewcitybride

Having a third child after having two children only 17 months apart is not something to be taken lightly. You and your DH BOTH should have a say in the matter. Some long heart-to-heart talks, and some compromise. Maybe he's burnt out and exhausted. Maybe he worries about having a third child financially. There are so many reasons why he could be saying no.

If I were you, I would wait it out. You seem to be very clear with what YOU want (you don't want to wait a few years because you want a similar age gap - is this negotiable? Seems rather short-sighted). Waiting can sometimes be a really good thing. I know lots of people who waited 3-4 years to have that third child, and they are SO glad they did. Having three very young children is not easy!

Only you and your DH can work this one out. Forcing him to agree to have a third child would not be a good idea. The same as forcing you to not have a third child would not be good for him to do. But it will take both of you to come to a compromise.

mben1119

I think you need to wait and give him time. If he comes around and wants another child, then great. If not, then I'm sorry. I feel like number of kids needs to be discussed before a couple even starts to think about kids, as this can be a dealbreaker.

WeeGee619

mabenner1:

I think you need to wait and give him time. If he comes around and wants another child, then great. If not, then I'm sorry. I feel like number of kids needs to be discussed before a couple even starts to think about kids, as this can be a dealbreaker.

 

This..exactly 

Guillerma

WeeGee619:

mabenner1:

I think you need to wait and give him time. If he comes around and wants another child, then great. If not, then I'm sorry. I feel like number of kids needs to be discussed before a couple even starts to think about kids, as this can be a dealbreaker.

 

This..exactly 

 

I think this is an interesting perspective - and Im just curious - Do you all think this is something you can *know* ahead of time? I feel like after you have one, then you can decide whether you want more, and after you have 2, you may feel like your family is complete or you may not. And so much depends on how pregnancy treats you and what your financial situation ends up being like.  

PansyPants

I would give it a couple more months and then bring it up again. Maybe your H will come around to the idea then. If not, I think you might need to really talk about how strongly you feel and then the two of you decide what's most important to you.

I know some couples can't reach resolutions and end up going behind each others backs (my cousins husband got snipped because my cousins wanted a fifth child after adopting, a singleton, and twins), personally I think it's best to mutually agree but I know that's not always a reality. 

mben1119

Guillerma:

WeeGee619:

mabenner1:

I think you need to wait and give him time. If he comes around and wants another child, then great. If not, then I'm sorry. I feel like number of kids needs to be discussed before a couple even starts to think about kids, as this can be a dealbreaker.

 

This..exactly 

 

I think this is an interesting perspective - and Im just curious - Do you all think this is something you can *know* ahead of time? I feel like after you have one, then you can decide whether you want more, and after you have 2, you may feel like your family is complete or you may not. And so much depends on how pregnancy treats you and what your financial situation ends up being like.  

DH and I both agreed before we even got married we wanted 2 kids, 3 maybe  if we hadn't had a boy yet. Since our first was a boy, we've agreed on 2 then *snip snip*.

jesselayne8

Guillerma:

WeeGee619:

mabenner1:

I think you need to wait and give him time. If he comes around and wants another child, then great. If not, then I'm sorry. I feel like number of kids needs to be discussed before a couple even starts to think about kids, as this can be a dealbreaker.

 

This..exactly 

 

I think this is an interesting perspective - and Im just curious - Do you all think this is something you can *know* ahead of time? I feel like after you have one, then you can decide whether you want more, and after you have 2, you may feel like your family is complete or you may not. And so much depends on how pregnancy treats you and what your financial situation ends up being like.  

I agree with this. People's feelings can change and so can their financial situation, etc.  They may have agreed on 3-4 kids before getting married and her husband changed his mind.  Regardless of whether this is the case the OP's feelings are valid.

HK2mom4

Here I would say leave this subject alone for a while (say until your youngest is 17 or so months old) then bring this discussion back to the table. Who knows by then he might be more receptive to that idea!

I like what you said - "I am not prepared to argue about this with DH, if he doesn't want another kid, I'm not going to force him into it and I'm not going to trick him into it. He needs to want to add to our family, just like I do." All of this is of no value if he's set against more children - you're right arguing, forcing, or trickery will only drive him away in the long haul. If he's not on-board then he's liable to resent you as well as the baby you have born him! He really needs to want another child before you have one. Without this want you have no basis for having another baby or even a marriage ...  

Personally we discussed having our family before we got married so I knew (up front) he wanted a large family. The number he mentioned was four to eight. I looked him in the eyes and said I was thinking more on the order of four to six. So we had some idea where we were headed to begin with! We are proud parents of four boys thus far ...

As mentioned by several others are there any financial issues concerns associated with this - his decision at present?  If so, then you need to be extremely patience, understanding of him on this - since he probably knows what you're really now capable of providing for in the near term. In today's economy it might not be in the family's best interest to add another mouth to feel. He might be looking out for his family in what he thinks is best. Just food for thought - something to think about ... Ok!

 

duffmaker

I'd say wait it out like PPs mentioned, until your youngest is more around that magic 17months. He is probably extremely exhausted maybe a bit overwhelmed and you need to make sure you will be comfortable financially if you have another.

FI has a sister, and 2 half siblings that he grew up with as well as 2 other half siblings with his dad. So he is really pinned to 2 kids, my magic number has always been 4. I always dreamed of 6 but I know that realistically that's insane from our financial standpoint. So we greed on a healthy compromise, we have DD and our trying for our second. If LO#2 is a boy then we're done, and if it's a girl then we'll keep the idea in our heads of trying one last time for that boy.

I do see where you're coming from with the age gap age gaps are a big thing to me. My brother and I are 7 years apart, it wasn't easy and still feels like we aren't even related. I have zero problems having three young ones, but I told FI that if we shoot for that 3rd one to have a boy then it needs to be within 2 years because if it's longer then we're having a 4th to be buddies lol.... I would just hate to be that 3rd, left out, super baby of the family.

laurakaz13

Guillerma:

WeeGee619:

mabenner1:

I think you need to wait and give him time. If he comes around and wants another child, then great. If not, then I'm sorry. I feel like number of kids needs to be discussed before a couple even starts to think about kids, as this can be a dealbreaker.

 

This..exactly 

 

I think this is an interesting perspective - and Im just curious - Do you all think this is something you can *know* ahead of time? I feel like after you have one, then you can decide whether you want more, and after you have 2, you may feel like your family is complete or you may not. And so much depends on how pregnancy treats you and what your financial situation ends up being like.  

 This.  It's impossible to know how you will take to having kids prior to having them.  I thought I wanted several, but after horrible morning sickness for 7+ months of my pregnancy, I don't know if I ever want to be pregnant again.  Not to mention my collicky infant. 

I will say that before getting married DH and I knew we both wanted kids.  But saying you should know exactly how many kids ahead of time is just not realistic. 

drcolleen

I don't have a good answer or anything intelligent to say other than that I understand.  DH always said he wanted 2 (over population blah blah blah, despite the replacement rate being >2) and I always said 3-4.  When people asked how many were were going to have while I was pregnant w/ DD2 I would say that I wanted 3 but DH wants 2 and since he does take care of the kids so much it'd probably be 2, but now I have 2 and want a third.  It seems ridiculous when DD2 is throwing a tantrum or pees in her pants or finger paints in her room while DD1 is fussy.... but I can't seem to get past wanting another.  I figure I'll present the fat plan in a few months, I BF and have no signs of fertility yet anyway and didn't have a PPP until DD1 was 16 mo so figure I have some time to bring this back up.

Good luck!