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Adoption
greenteabee
member
Telling extended/younger family members? And handling nosy people.
greenteabee
member
in Adoption
So I went to my little cousin's football game with my immediate family and aunt & uncle & other cousins, and I have just recently told my aunt about my pregnancy and choosing adoption because she and my mother are so close. I really don't know how to explain things to my extended family, and I especially don't know how to explain things to my younger family members. I don't know how much information is too much for what ages, and I'm not really good with kids anyways.
So, at earlier mentioned football game, one of the other football moms, who I've met several times before and know she's nosy, said "Are you pregnant?! You didn't have that belly last time I saw you!" I said yes and then she asked the usual "do you know what you're having, when are you due" questions, and when I told her my due date, she was surprised at how big I am, and all I said was "I know" because I did NOT want to get her started on the twin thing, and then she said "Oh you and M must be so excited! Speaking of which, why isn't he here?" and I said that we had broken up and I just lost it and started crying and I went home. and now that I'm done crying, I wanted to ask your guys' advice... Where did I go wrong? How can I handle it better next time with a nosy person?
So yeah, family members and nosy people.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Telling extended/younger family members? And handling nosy people.
You didn't go wrong; I'm not quite sure if she went wrong either. She's obviously kind of a nosy person, but it at least doesn't sound like she was being mean-spirited.
This is a hard time for you - it's okay to not know how to respond to people. I'm not sure what I would do... I was living in my hometown when pregnant with M, but I went to a different church and didn't live with my parents, so I didn't see a lot of their friends (and our town has almost 200K people, so it's possible to avoid people).
I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I think you did a fine job for as long as you could. Other than trying to be cold with people so they don't ask you questions, I don't know of a good way to tell them you don't want to talk about it other than saying that or just asking something about their lives to steer the convo away from you...
Sorry!
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
You didn't go wrong. This is an emotional time for you. IMO share what you want to share. Yes, I'm pregnant. M and I broke up. That's it, if that's all you're comfortable with. They don't need to know your entire story if you don't want to share.
I'm pretty sure there are some articles about how to explain adoption to smaller kids. You may want to check adoptivefamilies.com and see if there are articles about it. Age-appropriate is key: something along the lines of "I have babies growing in my belly, and I can't take care of them, so I'm going to find a mommy and daddy to take care of them."
I think you did a really good job, this is such a hard time and there's really no etiquette for this particular situation. Share what you feel comfortable sharing and with who you feel comfortable sharing and feel free to keep as much private as you want. Don't feel bad about crying honestly she probably feels terrible about pushing you.
As far as your younger cousins could your aunt and uncle handle that part of it? It seems like a lot to expect of you to have to explain everything to the kids. If you would feel more comfortable perhaps your mom and aunt could spread the word (if you wanted them to know) to your extended family. They could even say something like "This is a really tough time for greenteabee so if you could try and be supportive and not ask a lot of questions that would be so helpful to her right now". That would take some of the burden off of you.
Doesn't sound like you handled it wrong at all. Just share the amount of information you want to. You can't help it that she asked those questions and you can't help it if it makes you cry.
I was in high school and I got a TON of nosy questions.
I had people ask me the usual: Due date?, Girl or Boy? and if I was nervous about delivery.
And then I had the nosier questions...
I had people ask me: "who's the father?" (I was dating the birthfather at the time and he walked me to all my class so we were obviously together... so that was offensive to me), "Are you going to keep the baby?", "Are you going to get married?", and "Were you on birth control?"
Most of the time I would answer their questions unless it was way too personal or offensive. But i'm fine with talking about it. Sometimes, when I wasn't in the mood to really get into it, I answered their question with humor. It was my way of giving them an answer without actually answering their question. A lot of times though I took it as an opportunity to educate people on open adoption.
The "Who's the Father?" question... I did not answer so politely and that girl never asked me another question.
Some questions did make me cry like when people would say "Congrats! Are you excited?"
Most days I was fine talking about the adoption plan we were making and my pregnancy, but some days, any question even the "When are you due?" questions would make me cry.
It will be easier when you're not walking around with it being obvious. Then you can choose who to tell and people don't really ask unless they already know because you have told them.
When I was pregnant with DD. People would ask me "Is this your first?" This question was hard for me the first time I was asked. (I got asked this question ALL THE TIME) I ended up just answering "Yes, I'm a first time mom." Ughh and then sometimes I had to listen to their pregnancy and delivery advice as if I was going through it for the first time. I just smiled and nodded and moved on. If it was a co-worker, acquaintance that I liked and who I would continue to see throughout my pregnancy, I just told them the whole story then so for months I didn't have to hear them tell me what it was like and me having to pretend that I had never gone through it.
So long story short. Been there. And i'm sorry you had to deal with that the other day. It will get easier once people don't see your belly. When you're pregnant so many people (including strangers) seem to think they can ask you anything and touch you're belly!
This.
My nieces and nephew have grown up knowing that their cousin (my birthson) grew in my belly, but i'm not his mommy, his Mommy and Daddy are his parents. You can ask them and they talk about it very matter of factly like it is nothing out of the ordinary.
Oh, Greentea... I am sorry that you had this experience. I don't have words of advice. In my years of learning about adoption I never gave much thought to Emoms explaining adoption to tangential people. That's gotta be tough.
Hang in there my friend...
I am so sorry you went through that! I often thought about our BM before she placed with us, and how brave she was to handle all of the "curious" people and tough questions. You did a great job, and I will pray that it gets easier as you figure out what you want to share.
I don't think you have to share ANYTHING with anyone if you don't want to. I think of it like when people would stop us in the grocery store when DS was really little and comment on how great I looked for just having a baby. At first, I would explain that we adopted him, and then after a couple of times, I decided I didn't have to explain it to every Joe Shmoe out there. It is TOTALLY fine to just change the subject if you don't want to talk about it.
Other PPs had some good suggestions for telling younger family members, and I can see how that would be tricky.
HoL answered along the lines that I was going to. I especially agree with the bolded parts. It took me adopting my boys and hearing the things people would have the gall to say in front of them to learn that there is no shame in keeping some things private and I should never feel rude because I am asserting my right not to share private details. I've learned to remember that it is, in fact, the person asking who is possibly being rude (especially when it's just a nosey stranger), and there is no shame in subtly pointing that out.
So with that in mind, some lines that I have learned (from some great posters here) to use when someone asks a probing question and I don't feel like answering, include:
- smiling really sweetly, tilting my head, and asking, "Why do you ask?"
- When they reply it's usually something along the lines that they were just curious, I follow up with something along the lines of, "Well, that's really personal, don't you think?"
Depending on my mood and how pushy they are I also use any of the following:
- "I'm not comfortable sharing that;"
- "You don't need to know that;"
- "That's M's (or J's) private story;" or
- "I'm sorry, but how is that relevant" and so on.
If you don't think that you can say these (it took me a long time to be comfortable with it), try something like, "I'm sorry, it's a long story and I just don't feel comfortable getting into it now" or, in the situation like at the game, "I'm sorry, I'm really just beat and it's exhausting to always just talk about all the same the baby stuff. I really just wanted to come out and support my cousin and relax." You could even add on, "Maybe we could talk another time/when we have more time" or something like that, so it sounds like you just don't want to talk about it now, not that you just don't want to talk about it to her.
Again thanks everyone for your advice.
I'll try different things and see what works.
Greentea,
I have been thinking about your post and being a snarky kind of a person I am not sure I would have handled the situation as well as you did. Be proud of yourself for how you did handle it. I was thinking if you had already been well matched with AP's your response may have been something like "why yes I am, thanks for noticing and the babies adoptive parents are as excited as I am about my situation". Again, kind of snarky, but I am sure you will come up with the perfect response for you.