I have been a lurking member, but am ready to step out... (SORRY ITS LONG)

Slobello11908

Hi, my name is Samantha and my DH and I have had a long long road... We have been pregnant 3 times, and all 3 times experienced miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage, thank you to my wonderful thyroid for creating antibodies that fight off my unborn child.... Well I finally gave up, my body nor my mind could handle going through another one. It has been 2 years since our last... I come from a large family (I am the oldest of 6) and my sisters seem to be popping kids out left and right.. It was to the point when I lost my last baby my sister was afraid to tell me for fear I might freak out and lose control. I didnt though, I hugged her, and when I got home, My hubby held me and I just cried and cried)  Anyway, my middle sister came to me in August of last year, in tears. She had a 9 month old daughter and was about a month late for her period, she asked me how I felt about adopting her baby if she turned out to be pregnant... I started to cry and told her I didnt even want to think about it until she knew for sure, and asked her if she was serious about 20 times... She apparently had already spoken to my hubby and he told her to make damn sure she wanted to give the baby up before she even mentioned it to me.... She obviously thought about it and called me up... Turned out she wasnt pregnant. I will say I was a little disappointed, but moved past it.... I guess she just had a weird cycle that month. Well she calls me up February 8th at 1030 am to tell me she took a pregnancy test and it was positive and she was a couple weeks late on her period. At the time I was working over nights and had just went to sleep so I was really groggy. I told her I needed to wake up and call her back because I thought I was dreaming or something. At 10:45 I called her back. Now I had to sit down, my sister was not in tears, not upset, but sounded really happy. I was kind of like WTF sister? What is the matter with you, why would you call me and tell me that? Her next sentence I replay every single day in my head, and I want to cry thinking about it.... "Dave and I have been trying since September to get pregnant, I was hoping to be able to tell you as a birthday or Christmas gift but we did this for you. You will make an amazing mom, and you are my big sister. You deserve this more than anyone I know." I of course was crying and asked her MANY MANY times if she knew how crazy she sounded, and told her I think she should go to the doctor and get a blood test done before we discussed anything. She made an appointment for her first appt, and of course they said based on her period they would wait until she would be considered 8-10 weeks along. She called me back and told me her appt was for March 5th.... I hung up with her, went to the store and seriously bought 20 pregnancy tests for her and made her take each and every one. She smiled the whole time, after each test came back positive. I asked her probably 20 more times if she was sure about all of this before I got my heart broken... Even now I still ask her sometimes... I just dont really think about it anymore... First appt confirmed she is pregnant... EDD is 10/12/2012... because she had a c section with her first on 11/12/2011 she will be having another csection... that is scheduled for 10/5/2012....  I have brought her to each appt...  Went to all the sonograms... went to the anatomy scan and the tech wasnt 100 percent sure it was a girl but nothing was floating between her legs so YAY!!! Its a Girl... hubby and I had already picked out the name... Aubrianna.... more appt have come and went... we have run into some issues the past month or so, with protein in the urine and high bp and swelling... been to labor and delivery twice, but this friday will be 37 weeks and my husband and I couldnt be happier, and my sister is amazing, I cant believe what she is doing for us, and I still ask my husband to pinch me... we have had MANY family members bring it to our attention not to get our hopes up, she can still change her mind... blah blah blah... my sister and I have always had a close relationship, its even closer now, she has NEVER referred to the baby as her own, and her fiance is right in the same boat as her... Above and beyond everything else she is my SISTER, and I will always no matter what support her.... but I know she is in this, we have spent so many hours talking and laughing, and we both know what one another is feeling...  we had our baby shower on July 29th and received soooo much support from our families, and we are so very excited, my sister is giving us an amazing gift, and I will never be able to repay her, but she knows how grateful I am... My question is have any of you ladies had any experience with adopting a family members baby? Or anything close?  Just looking for some friends that have something in common with me!

Foster1Mom

I do not have any experience but what a beautiful story. You have an amazing sister.

coriet

Wow what a touching story. You and your sister must be really close.

jillianmb

I might get flamed for this, but I am not sure this is in the best interest of the child. Adoption is amazing and wonderful, but it is always best for the child to stay with his or her birth family when possible. This is not a surrogacy situation. I worry about the repercussions this child will suffer from, wondering why her/ his bio mom didn't Heep her. Have you considered these questions?

Slobello11908

jillianmb:

I might get flamed for this, but I am not sure this is in the best interest of the child. Adoption is amazing and wonderful, but it is always best for the child to stay with his or her birth family when possible. This is not a surrogacy situation. I worry about the repercussions this child will suffer from, wondering why her/ his bio mom didn't Heep her. Have you considered these questions?

 

I have thought about these questions, and this is very personal... I was seeking support, but I will defend the matter... This has been discussed amongst all of us, the baby will be raised as our child, since we are adopting her, our names will be on her birth certificate. Should the matter ever come up, we will be 100% honest with her. My sister will always be in the picture, but as her aunt. This is very private, but my sister chose to do something beautiful for both my husband and I. My sister and her fiance are happy having just one child, she is a student and he currently supports her and my neice. They can not physically handle another child nor financially.

srmmm09

This obviously brings up a touchy topic on what it means to place a baby. I totally could have kept the LO I placed. I wasn't on drugs and had family who wouldn't let M and I be homeless or something. I wanted more for him than I could afford, even though, with help from places like WIC, I could have raised M.

I placed M because I wanted to give him the stability of an established family, and I know I did what's best for him. I was not incapable and did have support. I feel very strongly, but personally, that it's not ALWAYS best for the child to be with his birth family even if it's possible. M has access to me anytime he has questions about our family and about why, and I feel confident I can explain it to him in a way that assures him how much I love him and how I wanted better things for him than I could give. I did not do a wrong thing by M to place him when I could have physically (and even emotionally to some extent) cared for him.

(I'm not saying this emotionally. I hope it doesn't come off as a rant or something. I'm very calm right now, just being matter-of-fact.) 

Dr.Loretta

We have one member who adopted her sister's child, but it was more of a forced TPR situation, not a semi-surrogacy situation like you are describing.

I wish you the best of luck.

greenteabee

srmmm said pretty much what I was thinking/feeling except in a not b!tchy way, which I definitely would have sounded b!tchy if I had said something. I could financially, and probably emotionally be able to care for my babies. But I don't want the life I could give them, for them. I want better for them.

Foster1Mom

Families are built all different ways and just because this is what is happening with them it does not give people the right to judge the OP. This is an exciting time for her after several losses. OP, I wish you the best!

srmmm09

Don't worry, GreenTea, I have years and years since I've been in your position! I've had time to see how M is blossoming and, especially now that I'm a mom-for-keeps, I know how crazyhard it would have been for M and I both! I'm glad I didn't have to subject M to my resentment when I have to grow up and be less selfish. (now my husband just gets it, haha! poor man.)

Slobello11908

Thanks for the support ladies

Slobello11908

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I dont take what anyone has said with a grain of salt, I want to hear what people are thinking.. That is why I am here. Noone is bitchy, including myself... my sister is amazing, and I am sure women who have given their babies up do so for MANY reasons... Kudos to them, I wouldnt be able to ever give my child up, but that is only because of my situation. It has been an amazing journey with my sister, and I will be forever greatful.

CaptainSerious

I, too, see what your sister is doing for you as a type of surrogacy, and that is an amazing thing for her to offer you.  However, I do want to suggest that you not keep the true facts from your child.  It's been shown that when parents don't tell their children that they were adopted and address any related issues that might come up, the children often feel betrayed when they find out and it can damage your relationship or result in insecurities and/or acting out behaviors.  I think it would be perfectly fine for your child to grow up knowing that Aunt _______ loved you so much that she wanted you to be able to be a parent, and to help you, carried a pregnancy to term for you.  That kind of logic seems to be very digestible to children who were carried by surrogates, and I think it would work well in your situation, too.

elissaann26

jillianmb:

I might get flamed for this, but I am not sure this is in the best interest of the child. Adoption is amazing and wonderful, but it is always best for the child to stay with his or her birth family when possible. This is not a surrogacy situation. I worry about the repercussions this child will suffer from, wondering why her/ his bio mom didn't Heep her. Have you considered these questions?

First of all, I think the best part of this board is there is very little flaming that occurs, especially when different opinions are expressed in a respectful manner.  And I think part of what makes this board such a great resource is that people express their opinions, even when they don't agree!  So thank you for going against the grain!

I do have to say that when I initially read your story, I was a bit taken back that your sister and fiance were trying to conceive for you without your knowledge.  Also, I was curious if you would have preferred to use a fertilized egg with your and your DH's genetics instead of your sister and her fiance.  Not that genetics matters at all, but some genetic tie to the adoptive parents is more common in surrogacy.

But I will agree the PP poster that families are grown in all sorts of ways.  And if this situation works for everyone involved then Congrats!  Thanks for sharing your story!  Like I said before, it is great to hear everyone's opinions and stories.  I look forward to hearing more about your journey!

Dr.Loretta

I was actually going to suggest finding some surrogacy sites or support groups for some people who may have a closer situation to yours, OP. I know there are family members who have carried children as surrogates, and groups like that would probably hook you up with some.

To be honest, I think your sister should have told you her intentions before she got pg so you all were on the same page to begin with. Even now a lawyer might be a good idea, just to draw up papers to set expectations. It will also help you have the conversations you need to have about how to explain the relationships in your family.

Again i wish you the best of luck.

DaisyZH

Welcome to the board : ). I'm so sorry for your losses but I wish you and your family the absolute best.  Families are created in many different ways, I think that little girl is going to be coming into one with a lot of love.

Puppylove*85

I hope that things work out well for you and for your sister.

But I would never encourage someone to do this.  There are a lot of ways that this could end badly.  Discussing the situation with a lawyer is an excellent idea.

IRR

Congrats!  Welcome to the board and for sharing such an awesome story.  I think the story is wonderful and should be shared with your daughter.  What is cool is that you do share genetics with her already.  Keep us posted how everything goes.