Restraining order?
shabamwam
member
I posted awhile ago about possibly joining this board.... Long story short, DH has undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder, has been on depression and anxiety meds, but it doesnt seem to help, he is currently in a manic stage, and has treated my like a dog. Yelling at me and saying things that would take me years to forgive.
Well yesterday he got fired from his job d/t yelling at his boss and throwing things. He's a mess. He told me not me not to be there when he got home b/c he was worried he would say/do something he'd regret. I stayed at my sisters last night and he showed up there this morning. He told me I(who have been mainly a SAHM) would have to go back to work so we could have insurance while he took his time finding a new job. He also recently purchased a motorcycle which he did without talking to me about. He says "youve stayed home 9 months, you can work now". Well I told him that DS still wakes up sometimes 2x a night, and truthfully I wouldnt trust him to watch DS. He freaked out, left and ended up comming right back, yelling at me in my sisters house. When he leaves he calls me and tells me i "better lawyer up...were done......I'm dont supporting you..." I hung up.
Basically now I'm staying at my dads am considering getting a restraining order against him. Currently he believes we may be able to work it out "for DS" but I am not feeling it and truthfully I'm worried he'll show up here. He is getting proper help for his mental health issue, and I dont want to make the situation worse. If I get a restraining order, does he have to know about it? My biggest concern is that he will get so mad that he will refuse to see the doctor.
There is alot more to the story, but I'm sure above is enough:P. Any opinions are appreciated.
Re: Restraining order?
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Did your h ever show signs of his mental illness before your ds? Have ya'll dealt with such an extreme mania episode before?
Restraining orders aren't as easy to come by as one would expect or need. Your H will also get a chance to defend himself against the need for a restraining order unless he doesnt show up for court. Neither of you will have to have a lawyer to get one but be prepared that if you don't get the order you are stuck with the court fees.
OP, your situation is reminiscent of mine with my XH. He also was acting like that and I ended up getting a 5 year restraining order, not only for me but for the kids as well. I have not had any personal contact with him in 4 years now. Mine made threats against my life repeatedly, as well as harassment, burglary, and stalking. He also quit his job/got fired and refused to work. I reported him to the police several times so they were aware of the situation. He was super out of control after I served him with divorce papers, and once arrested they sent him to a mental health facility for about a month. He also ended up with prison time and is now on parole until 2015.
Just be careful, he is not thinking clearly or rationally when manic and it may get worse. I would try for the restraining order, but I would also call the cops and file reports when necessary as well.
You need to talk to a family law attorney in your area. Only they can tell you what criteria you will need to meet for a restraining order in your county.
Unless you can show he is markedly unfit, I imagine you are likely to get supervised visitations and given your child's age, the court is unlikely to permit overnight visit for a good long while.
And yes, it is likely that you will need to get a job...if nothing else to be able to provide health insurance for your son. Plus, at least looking for a job will make you seem more favorable as a parent.
Oh I agree about the job, but I figured out the amount of hours I'd need to work to get an apt and its less than full time. My husband did find a job, and he would be responsible for DS' insurance and possibly mine too.
So, let me see if I have this right. Your husband, while in the throes of a manic fit, got fired from his job for yelling at his boss, has managed to find another job so quickly -- a job that will provide all three of you with medical insurance?
Do you want to divorce this man? I assumed that since you were asking about visitation and restraining orders, you must want to divorce him. If you divorce him, you will be dropped off of his medical insurance (although you would have the right to COBRA off of his insurance for 36 months at your own expense). And if your soon-to-be-ex is so unstable, why would you expect that he would be able to maintain employment and health insurance for your son - even if the court orders it?
If you are able to provide for your son with a part time job, that is great, but if those financial calculations include counting on child support/health insurance from a man so unstable as to require a restraining order, I think that you are putting your eggs in the wrong basket. Better to get full time employment and base your future on YOUR earnings rather than count on this man whose outbursts are likely to get him arrested at some point.
Have you tried calling his therapist/case manager/physiatrist? The place where I get help for my mental illness, you can call the person he's seeing and tell them you want to stay anonymous or something. (in the current situation it would be hard to exactly pinpoint you as the one that left the tip.) They might say when you call "I can't acknowledged or denie that he gets services here." That doesn't mean he's not seeing them, it's just protocol if he hasn't signed a form or something to give you access to his records or something.
I can tell you right now, from years of experience and attending many groups threw the place I go for my illness. He is in a huge need of a med change, the ones he's on are obviously not working; so he either needs an increase or a total change of the medications. Now if he goes to one place for his bipolar, you can tell either the person he sees for meds (physiatrist) or his therapist (who can then relay the message to the physiatrist). You don't have to tell them nothing fancy, just that he is having this huge anger issue and tell them about him yelling at his boss and getting fired. That he has been yelling at you and that it is so bad that he felt the need to tell you to not be home that one time. Keep it about him in the conversation and your concerns; like you're worried his depression may get worse because of the loss of the job and (even though he was the one that kinda broke it off) the divorce/separation. I'm sure he will mention to them that he was fired and that you guys are separated; so it wouldn't be that hard for the therapist/CM to piece in what you said (but not saying it was you) or get him to mention what you already told them. Then the person can see that you're not blowing smoke or anything and mention to the physiatrist, that they think he might need a med change.
Now if you are also seeing someone for your own mental illness, bring all this up with your own therapist. Mine would e-mail or mention my concerns (probably not that it was me who said it) to his therapist. But both me and soon-to-be-ex , go to the same place, so it's not hard for mine to contact his discreetly.
Exactly. I don't have much experiences with restraining orders. My dad has one on one of his exs and it's not keeping her away, she still comes by his place from what my brother (who lives with our dad) says. But his situation is probably different then yours, she lives in the same apartment complex as him.I would suggest keeping distance (like cities between where you live and him) from him so the chances of him just swinging by are slim. But at this time, if your sister or family would take you in, that would be great so you have someone who can sort of keep you and child safe; as well as back you up if he does get violent and the police get called on him. It's also nice to have someone in real life you can talk to about things and a shoulder to cry on.