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June 2011 Moms
LollyBug18
member
Anyone else struggle with the grandparent stereotype?
LollyBug18
member
First, let me start out by saying that I'm thankful Emma gets to know her grandparents and see them regularly enough for this to be a problem for me. Second, it may be a little escalated right now because I'm very anxious about leaving her for 4 days in a couple weeks while we travel to New York. She'll be staying with my in-laws and it will be the first time I'm away from her for more than just the day.
That being said, the whole "grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren" is really annoying me right now. We stayed with my IL's this past weekend and they seemed to want to use this every time I turned around. Plus they don't seem to realize that she's only 16 months old. Friday night, they kept wanting to give her M&M's. I probably said she was too young for any sort of candy 10 times before they stopped on that subject. Then MIL started bragging about how DH knew his colors at that age because she'd tell him he could have a red M&M and he'd take a red M&M from the pile. Saturday morning, MIL gave her 2 cookies and of course she wanted more. Then MIL talked to Emma, with me sitting right there, like she'd give her more if I weren't there in this condescending "mommy's no fun" tone. Sunday it was about iced tea, just because Emma was acting like she wanted a drink of MIL's tea. I remember my mom letting me have iced tea when I was in 1st grade. She'd send it to school with me in my lunch thermos and then I'd feel sick to my stomach from the caffeine at recess. No way does my 16mo need caffeine whether I'm there or not! My parents have their little things too, the IL's are just at the forefront right now since we just stayed with them and she'll be alone with them in a couple weeks.
I really don't feel like I can trust them because they think they should be able to get away with anything just because they're her grandparents. I don't want her learning to expect things like cookies and not eating her veggies and I feel like she's REALLY picking up on that stuff right now. I just hate that grandparent stereotype right now! And, I know a little spoiling won't kill her in the long run. I just wish it would hold off for awhile, or maybe show in different ways. She's still so young. And I'm also a little nervous of this stay with the IL's really throwing things off just before the new baby comes. I wonder if it would bother me as much if I remembered my grandparents being like that. My dad's parents never were and my mom's parents passed away before I'd have a chance to remember things like that. DH thinks I need to stop worrying so much but he had MIL's parents always doing the grandparent thing with him. I didn't mean for this to get so long or ventish...feel free to commiserate!
Have you found a way to deter some of the grandparent spoiling w/o turning into the bad guy?
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Re: Anyone else struggle with the grandparent stereotype?
Sigh... I've been very firm with my parents, and they don't let her have things that I say are off limits... However... My ILs are the type that won't let her have things when I'm around, but if I were to leave her there they would. It's so frustrating. She's really good with eating, so I don't mind a treat every now and then, especially if she was a good eater at dinner.... But my IL...FIL is the worst...will bring out Oreo cookies and try to give them to her.
I haven't found a good way to deal with the ILs yet because they see me as uptight and strict....
I am in a constant battle with my mother, MIL, my sister, my aunt who all love to give the boys sips of their soda. Now they just won't do it in front of me. I just know pop is one of my biggest downfalls and I'm trying to avoid that with the boys...since I'm really trying to stop drinking it all the time myself. Its not like I'll deny them when they are older but they are just way to young to have it now.
I'm pretty laid back so most things don't really annoy me. But pop is the big one. They've never said "mommy's no fun" after I asked them not to give the boys pop. So I don't think I come off as a bad guy. But I also pick and choose the battles I fight with them and which things I can let slide and which ones are absolute no-nos.
I let candy slide....as long as they aren't eating more then a fun size pack.
I struggle with both sides when it comes to food and junk. The in-laws are more of over processed junk/juice, my parents more sugar/sweets.
We only let the in-laws watch DD at our home so i pre-plate her meals for the day and hide DH's junk food. Particularly the OJ and other Juices. Had to tell them on three different occasions only milk or water for DD (all of which they ignored) so now i just make sure its not in the kitchen fridge when they are over. Doesn?t really solve the problem but at least I can avoid the issue this way
My parents are big cake for breakfast people and while i grew up with it (have the weight issues to prove it) I dont want that for DD. So i constantly remind them what she can?t have. Its always going to be an issue with my parents but they do a better job of listening to our wishes than the in-laws
**Siggy Challenge What You're Looking Forward to Most after Baby Arrives**
Oooh, you and me both.... They wonder why I'm so adamant against her not having soda... And I'm like, uh, look at your other grandchild who wants nothing but Mountain Dew... And he's 3!?
I swear I nearly fell over when I saw him take a sip of coke at like 8 months.
The way I figure it, kids generally know that grandparents let them do stuff their parents never do. That's part of their fun. I can constantly nag about it but they know that it's stuff that isn't allowed so there's little point to harp on it unless I just want to hear myself talk. I stop it when I catch it but I also know that things are going to happen.
I think it's easier for me though because her grandparents live a plane ride away so anything they do is rare.
Basically I agree with this. A few treats aren't going to hurt and honestly it sounds like LO is going to get them while you're gone anyway.
But the thing that pisses me off about your story is them undermining you in front of LO or telling LO that mommy is mean, etc. I don't think that's appropriate.
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yeah all of this. maybe you could make an alternate suggestion? "she can't have a cookie but she can have some fruit as a treat" or "why don't we give her her own cup but put water in it?"
a cookie or 2 is ok by me if it's a special treat, but every mama has their own set of rules.
my mom does that "mean mommy crap" and i say to J in the same voice "no, mommy love you and knows that we need to follow rules" or "no, mommy loves you enough not to poison your body with soda" she shuts up real fast
OP- I do see your point, and it's not cool how they undermined you right in front of your LO. I think it's OK to spoil now and then, but I agree that there is a line that should not be crossed. A few M&M's fine, cookies for breakfast, not OK in my book, nor is giving something like soda if they have never had it before. My mom tends to over spoil and unfortunately that leads to less visits with grandma, as I said, little bits here and there are OK, but cr@p for breakfast lunch and dinner just doesn't sit right with me.
I deal with this too, but on a more ongoing basis. My MIL, who I love to pieces, keeps my DS every day while I work. Her eating habits are terrible, and she's told me that she didn't do a good job with nutrition with her own kids. She does the whole "don't tell mommy" routine sometimes. It's frustrating, and if it were just a random grandparent visit, I wouldn't mind as much. But she has DS 5 days a week. I can't have him eating that way every day.
She's like this about discipline, too. Fortunately, we haven't had to do much yet. But I have serious doubts about whether she can handle disciplining him when the time comes. She's seen me discipline him just once (and it was very minor), and she was upset saying that it breaks her heart to hear him cry, she wants to cry too, etc. I think DS is an angel too, but he is a toddler and will need limits and discipline.
Don't misunderstand, I'm very thankful for her keeping my DS, and she is loving and sweet. I just wonder sometimes if she'd be better off just doing the grandparent visits and not daily care.
Agree agree agree! My IL's do this, and it drives me crazy. I try and let things slide, even if it frustrates me, but I hate it when they do the, "aw your mom is so mean" thing to LO. It makes me let them take liberties even less, because I don't want to hear it.
Oh wow. I don't care who it is, if someone tried to give my toddler POP or CANDY I, ish would hit the fan. I would be even tougher on family, my own parents or in laws, I don't care - they should know better than to give babies anything without okaying it with parents first. So, I would be laying down the law on that - my baby, my rules, or you don't see LO. I am all about a cookie at snack time every now and then, but seriously - M&Ms at less than a year and a half old? Um, no. Pop? Hell no. I didn't give up all caffeine and junk food for nine months while pregnant, and choose healthy foods and meals for him to eat for over a year now, for someone to mess that up. You ask me (or DH) before feeding anything to my kid.
I sound mean, lol, but that's how it is. DH totally agrees - there's plenty of time when LOs are bigger to eat and drink those things as treats.
If anyone undermined me and said things like that to LO, that would lead to them not seeing LO as well. That's just not right - I'd shoot right back with, "Well you must not want to watch LO if you think that poison is a good thing," and leave.
Sorry, I had to laugh about the M&M thing. Our grandparents are 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours away. We do call them if our daycare needs the day off first. We have a backup daycare, but the first time we called them one set wanted to see DS. Now we call them first to save some money. However, last time we called MIL she let DS have M&M's. We weren't there. I guess she told DH and he said it was okay. I about lost it when he told me. But 1/2 hour after she left, DS spit up alot of chocolate.
This past weekend MIL, FIL, and MIL's sister came to visit. Guess what was in her purse for DS. It was a small travel size container of M&M's. She was like look what grandma has. DH told her that he spit them up last time. She still offered them until her sister told her no. Both of us had to laugh. She still gave him one. I guess I am fine with that because she had already offered it and I know DS would have been upset if she would've taken it away. You can't tease a baby like that. I was glad she did not give him anything else.
DH & I have had this talk though. DH eats snacks and DS wants one. I say we should give fruits and veggies as snacks and not processed foods. DS doesn't care he just wants to eat when we do. DH has gotten better about it.
MIL is amazed at how well LO eats. I agree I do not want that ruined. I would not mind if they bought small gifts for him, but they know he has plenty. So, put money you would've spent in an account for him later.
My grandma, yes! Which would make her Liv's great grandma. OMG! She is a junkie (food junk that is) herself and she thinks it's okay to give Liv cookies all the freakin' time she comes to her when we come over to visit. Well of course she likes them! They're like sugar cubes! I'm okay with a piece or two but no more and not every dang time.
My mom's sisters are the same. Junkies themselves. My mom knows better. She knows I'd have a fit.
ILs would feed her until her belly is tight and big! Thankfully they don't like cookies and stuff and it's usually pieces of fruits and veggies (carrot, cucumber sticks etc) but guess who cleans up at home when she pukes out the blueberries she was overfed with at the end of the day? I do!!!